You tell me that you’ve been loving
Old school rap lately
And send me a song that you promise has been a bop
For a month now
And suddenly I’m reminded that you love
To change your tastes

How you listen to a song on repeat until the lyrics
Leave a sour taste in your mouth
And suddenly you want nothing to do
With it

Maybe you got tired of listening to me
Late nights in your car and movies on your couch
Became stale
And you looked for something new
To peak your interest

I have a habit of loving a song forever
Once I fall in love with it I never stop listening
Maybe that’s why I still feel torn up
And you’ve moved on and we don’t talk anymore
But you never miss an opportunity
To show me your changed taste
Each month
New songs filling up my Spotify
I make playlists with titles like heartbreak
And hazel eyes
Entirely made up of your music that changes
Like the seasons

Growing up all I wanted was to be pretty
My dreams and ambitions
Revolved around physical aspects of myself
I always told myself that I would be better if I was
Skinnier
Or prettier
And eventually I couldn’t tell the difference between
Want and need

I was convinced my depression would go away
If I was 100 pounds lighter
If my skin was clearer
That I’d be more talented if I was a size zero
Because then I’d be able to write about happiness
And someone loving me back
Instead of being sad all the time

If I could tell my younger self one thing
It would be that you were not put on this earth
Just to be pretty

So now I tell myself that I am brave
And strong and resilient
I lived through parts of my life that should’ve defeated me
But I’m still standing here
And maybe I would be happy if I was a size zero
But I need to learn what happiness feels like
Without beauty getting in the way

Today I showered for the first time in 6 days / I changed my clothes after 2 weeks / somehow it all feels better this way /

I ate breakfast at the table / alone / and I didn’t cry / I sat there for longer than I had to / let the sun from my windows warm me up / and for the first time in months / I felt okay again /

I took a nap mid day / worried I’d wake up further behind than I was before / but my chest was still light / my bones weren’t weighing me down / I’m beginning to see / that happiness can last more than an hour /

Tonight I’ll go to the store / I’ll buy food I probably won’t eat / and I’ll see someone I went to high school with / and maybe I’ll cry in the bathroom / but maybe I won’t / I’m learning how to deal with other people seeing me /

I don’t know if I’ll feel this way tomorrow / or if I’ll wear these clothes for 3 weeks / not leaving my bed / but I pray tomorrow is easier / I hope I’ll wake up and see the sun / eat lunch somewhere other than my bed / I hope my body remains light / like it’s supposed to be /

I don’t know how to help people
without inviting them
inside of me.
I’ve always hollowed myself out for others.
Allowed people to hide in my veins,
or make a home out of my rib cage.

I don’t know how to save you without giving up
everything about myself.

I starve myself of love  
To give it to others
But it’s never enough,
Sometimes I wonder why I bother
Yet I can’t stop emptying myself
To keep people full.

Sometimes I wonder if I give enough,
Like maybe if I were to scrape the inside of my bones
I’d find the love to give you
That would make you love me back.

Most days days i’m reminded
that my body is an ATM machine.
You see me as something that gives
I don’t have the option to take
And maybe that’s how it will always be.

Reasons I’ve convinced myself I’m unworthy of love:

1. I cry. All of the time.
2. I can never fully give myself to someone
3. I listen to folk punk far too often
4. I’m reckless with other people’s emotions
5. I break my own heart but never know when to give up
6. I laugh in every situation. Especially funerals.
7. I live to please others and never myself
8. I give up opportunities to better myself in case they hurt someone else
9. I say sorry more than anyone should ever say sorry in a lifetime
10. I annoy the people I love
11. I lash out at the smallest things
12. I have attitude all of the time
13. I cause myself problems but never try to find solutions
14. I’ll never love myself, so how could I expect someone else to love me

In the past year I fell in love
With parts of you
The way you drink iced coffee
No matter the season
The way your eyes get when you’re tired
And they’re more green
Than brown
The sound of your voice at 6am
Low and rough
But still playful enough to tell you’re joking
You never take anything seriously

The way you laugh at your own jokes
Even if nobody else finds them funny
When your eyes crinkle
Because you refuse to get glasses
I wouldn’t trade it for the world

These things are not mine to love
I don’t have your heart
But I hope the girl who does is happy with it
I hope she wakes up everyday
And counts the small things
That make you unbelievably you
I hope she holds onto your heart
Brings it gently to her chest
And thanks a god you don’t believe in
For being lucky enough to hold it

It’s been a year of falling in love with you / for a brief moment in time you looked at me / and saw a galaxy inside of me / but like the night sky / morning came and suddenly / I was too bright to look at for too long /

I don’t remember what it’s like / not to love you / it’s become a part of my daily routine / loving you is as natural to me / as brushing my teeth / or combing my hair / my love for you is a muscle memory / and forgetting how to love you / feels an awful lot like unlearning how to ride a bicycle /

I need to learn to look at you / and not see the sun / I built up my identity around loving you / and now I have nothing left / I need to grow again / from a seed to a flower / you used to make me bloom / but now I need to find a new way / to survive when the sun isn’t out /