Step 1: Get out of bed
Step 2: Look in the mirror
Step 3: Practice your smile
Step 4: Eyedrops to hide the red eyes
Step 5: Conceal the dark circles
Step 6: Breathe
The curtains are almost up
Step 7: Lock down the pain
Step 8: Ignore the weight on your chest
Step 9: Silence the screams inside of your mind
Step 10: Choke down the sobs
Step 11: Ignore the stinging in your eyes
Step 12: Swallow past the tightness in your throat
You’ve put on this show a million times
Step 13: Don’t let them see
Times up. Curtains up. Camera rolling

It was my birthday.
And the first thing i could say to my coworkers when I saw them after was
“I didn’t cry”

And it’s true.
For the first time in 25 years
I can genuinely say I’m happy
And I had an amazing day.

I didn’t cry,
I smiled and laughed,
Had fun
And felt like myself.
Free, happy, unshackled.

I’m happy.
It took a while,
It took some tears,
It took pain,
It took blood,
But I am happy.
So extremely me
And so ******* happy.

I miss you my bestfriend
This break isn't easy
But it's what needs to be done
I just hope someday...
We can go back
Back to how it use to be
Without the drama
Without all the emotions and pain
I really miss you
No matter how unhealthy you are for me
You're my bestfriend
I love you
No matter that you're a fool
Hearing your voice can brighten my whole day
I miss it my bestfriend
I miss you

The Covid here again, see
affecting both you and me
I think it will stay
and we all will pay

Red were the roses, the ones I left on your casket,
Orange were the leaves, the ones in your tree,
Yellow were the bruises, the ones that covered you head-to-toe,
Green were the stains, the ones left on the hems of your jeans,
Blue were your lips, the day you were found in your noose,
Indigo was the night sky, that night that you died,
Violet was that bruise, the one you wore around your neck

Friends

Friends stop and stare,
I wonder if they even care.
Ones you thought were friends,
end up being just trends.
Moving on to better things,
lets see what tomorrow brings.
Some friends you think are the best,
all their drama just leave you stressed.
Most friends just pass you by,
even on the show they all said goodbye.
No one likes friends that are fake,
their more slippery than a snake.
Friends may come and friends may go,
its always money that they owe.
A once best friend is now an enemy,
its usually because of some kind of jealousy.
Some friends sleep with someone you love,
shoot them twice, then carefully dispose of.
Some friends from school you never see again,
they moved away to their new domain.
Some friends will last forever,
will stand behind you on every endeavor.
Most friends you can not trust,
even knowing you think you must.
No matter how big the fight,
true friends will make it alright.
Your best friend is usually your lover,
some friends you may never discover.
A real friend will stand by your side,
not run off and pretend to hide.
I've had so many friends, I can't even a count,
it doesn't matter the number or the amount.
Friends you have today, could be a foe tomorrow,
they leave you swimming in a sea of sorrow.
I'm very thankful for my friends, now and from the past,
with each other, I've had a blast.
Even the ones that did me wrong,
one way or another, you once did belong.
I've learned something from each one,
some friendships have not yet begun.

what does it feel like to be held
not by another body
not by a set of limbs, a chest, a chin
but
by another soul

what does it feel like
to see truth in another pair of eyes
instead of hidden intentions
instead of absence

what does it feel like
to hear a familiar heartbeat
resounding next to your own
reaching through skin
through bone
two rhythms
indistinguishable

what does it feel like
to write poems about
a love that exists