Break my bones;
cut my throat.
Pull me open,
learn the ropes.

Breath me in;
taste the fear.
Shank my skin;
stand and cheer.

Kick my head;
let me bleed.
Unbolt my veins;
enjoy the read.

Gouge my eyes;
punch my face.
Wrap me up
in your embrace.

I stepped on the scale the other day.
It startled me in an unpleasant way.
What the number was, I'd rather not say.
Doesn't seem like you'd care anyway.

But it bothered me, and I know why.
Not the weight on my *** or thighs,
But the weary look inside my eyes,
As I gaze in the mirror, pinch my flesh, and sigh.

Effortlessly, I lose my appetite,
Without putting up any kind of fight.
My insides grumpled through the night,
But I refuse to take a bite.

My therapist thinks it's about control,
Something deeper within my soul.
The hunger makes me feel more whole,
But it slowly begins to take its toll.

I learned to enjoy the weakening pain,
Feeling the blood slow in my veins,
Any movement, a forceful strain,
But it makes sense inside my brain.

Feeling cold in a warm room is a success,
But I am not quite able to express,
Why I keep coming back, why I regress,
When I feel the slightest stress.

I had a dream about you
last night.
you died.
in the dream,
I missed you.
I cried for you.
but I don't miss you
in my life.

I wonder
how you are.
but I don't wonder
what we might have been.

you are an a d d i c t i v e substance,
     and you still haven't left my system.
a potent chemical coursing through my veins,
     making me beg for just a little more.
one more conversation, one more smile,
     one more hit to tide me over for a while.
but i keep coming back a g a i n and a g a i n,
      "i promise this is my last hit,"
           but it never is.

i can compare you to nicotine,
     but in some ways you are worse.
the stench of that "lava flow" vape juice
     is still permeated in my car upholstery.
the sickening, sweet smell reminding me
     of what i have disallowed myself to posses.

but with you
     the reminders are all around,
and the cravings
     don't lessen after three days.

you aren't doing me any good
     i'm aware.
that's why i'm trying to quit you.

but the voice in my head w h i s p e r s
     that you aren't that bad,
           that i can handle it.

so i'll keep waiting for these cravings to fade,
     but i won't say that i'm an a d d i c t.

The clouds are passing quickly
Too fast to say hello
The world is rushing past me
And I'm still stuck in slow-mo