I spend.
I drink.
I rationalize.
I think.
No filter.
I speak.
Hypocrite.
I leak.
Overdrive.
Can’t stop.
Socialize.
I shop.
   Mentality.
No breaks.
Try to heal.
I ache.
Pray.
For sanity.
Vanish.
Vanity.
Love.
Conditions.
        Strive.
Submission.
All is fine.
Squander.
Why?
I wonder.
Stand up.
I pledge.
        Not worth the fight.
Allege.
        Drained.
Mentally.
Stained.
Fundamentally.
Saved.
Eternal.
Grateful.
External.
Unchanging.
All praise.
Loved.
Unfazed.

The loops.
Intrusion.
They permeate.
Confusion.

All the lies, they arise.
I'm advised to realize
the illusion.

I see them for exactly what they
are.
Concretely
Deceit
Disbarred from my mental radar.  

you thought you had me?
ha! for a while, sure.

Now I'm reassured.

Yes it's true, you romanced me.
Entranced me - for a time.
But He has washed away your grime
from my mind.

you should walk along, forget me.
I march with a different heartbeat.
you don't fascinate me
at all.
I absolve
myself
of everything you stand for
you know what's in store.

This is war.

Up… Up… UP. Down… down… down…
My mind is a storm. Chaos. An ocean of thoughts.
Ideas. Aspirations.
Confusion. Despair. Isolation.
    How long must I suffer?


alone


   Surrounded yet alone.


But then I’m not. Up, up, up I float.
      I walk on clouds.
       Mountain tops.
I cling to this feeling.
  How long will it last?
   I, naively, hope forever.
I float in peaceful rivers.
I lift my eyes to the Heavens, and burst with thankfulness.
I’m okay
I’m not alone.
I am at peace and enveloped by everlasting love.
Though I crash, abruptly.
I fall and fall and fall. I crack.
But I heal.
    I endure, keep trudging.
The confusion and lies of Satan don’t pin me down.
                                Not anymore.
You are with me, forever.
You wait for me. Love me. Hold me. Walk beside me.
I am a warrior. Survivor. Stronger than ever.
I can’t do it alone. This life, this rollercoaster of a mind.
I can’t trust myself, I put myself in Your Hands.
I trust You.
I cling to you, with all that I am.
For You are good, and You provide. 
 I repent.
I am renewed.
Peace ever flowing, Love everlasting.
My Love. My Father. My Savior.
Thank You.
I am not a disappointment, or crazy, or demon possessed.
                       Your Holy Spirit remains.
You love through me. You were intentional in my creation.
  I am Yours.
                         Forever and always.
                                    Amen.