This poem is for the beautiful boy
That makes my heart jump to my throat
And to this day makes me stutter and choke
on my words

This poem is for the beautiful boy
Whose happy golden eyes
That will someday bring my demise
are so alluring

This poem is for the beautiful boy
Who doesn't like to read
But tries to understand my need
for books and poetry

This poem is for the beautiful boy
That loves the ocean, sea, and lake alike
And cannot picture life
without me or water

This poem is for the beautiful boy
That never fails to make me smile
And makes me laugh when all the while
he wasn't even trying to

This poem is for the beautiful boy
Who knows what to do when I panic
Who tells me to breathe and shut out the static
of the rest of the world

This poem is for the beautiful boy
Who laughs at his own bad jokes
That somehow help me cope
with my troubles

This poem is for the beautiful boy
That's much too tall for me
Towering at six-foot-three
I stand on my toes

This poem is for the beautiful boy
Who I don't deserve to keep
And doesn't know what a relief
it is to have him

This poem is for the beautiful boy
Who can make me forget
Everything with just one kiss
leaving me wanting more

This poem is for the beautiful boy
This poem is for my beautiful boy

To the left was my mother
To the right was my father
Both turning as blue as the ice that lay beneath me
My vision goes black
When it comes back I see the white of my breath traveling above my nose
They were gone
Dust from ******* caught my lungs
My cough echoed into the dusk of winter
I pulled at my curls as I usually did
Little golden locks follow my white knuckles until they start to fall out
I had no idea what to do
Men in suits passed me as if I wasn't even there
I cried and cried for help but they didn't seem phased by my tears
I kissed mother and father goodbye on their pink frozen cheeks
The man yelling orders stood far away
I climbed over mountains of broken brick to reach the man in the uniform
Running right into the ironed crease of his khakis
I felt nothing
So I opened my squinted green eyes to see I had passed right through him
My family destroyed in the streets made it to the kingdom in the sky
& I was stuck in the middle yelling at men that couldn't even hear me cry

I panicked.

My brain attacked today.

It attacked my lungs,

Stupid sharp whistling sounds.

I looked out of control.

But I felt aware,

that I wasn’t breathing,

that I was attacking myself again.

It attacked my heart,

terrifying skipping stones in my chest.

Whipped one by one,

Muffled blows in my breast.

I panicked.

I looked out of control but I was aware,

of the guilt,

of what will drag along with me.

I can’t be freed from fault,

It’s not the way.

Because I panic;

is why I don’t relate,

is how I cleanse.

Fright being necessary,

like a dream

where you muscle tone fails you,

I was paralyzed.

My knuckles hit the laminate –

again, again, again.

But I don’t move.

Feeling my bicep twitch,

Feeling my throat raw,

My mouth wide open,

But I don’t make a sound.

Because I panic.

The power inside,

will never translate,

to the outside.

People may see flickers,

of insanity in my eyes.

They may see me tighten up.

They may seem me strain and ease.

But I will never translate.

Until it snaps,

Until I no longer attack myself.

Until I no longer panic.

Until I bellow,

Until I howl,

Until I wail,

Until I swing and connect.

Until it attacks outwardly,

Instead of inwardly.

In the winter I am made of smoke,

rising aimlessly

in dancing twists and turns 

against dark, cold air. 

I wander with translucent skin

and mind

desperately feeling the sky with my fingertips 

praying for snow to hug my body 

and maybe bring me back down. 

I come in waves,

I hurt your lungs,

try to touch me and I will disappear.

I am weightless

but so, so heavy. 

Some days I feel like I am floating away

and foggy

and the result 
of something

burning.