Sorry.

Not for the bruises inscribed in my knees at six years old,
or gravel-shaped cuts dotting my palms
after being kicked off my bike like a rodeo bull,
or even the sliver of a scar on my right index finger
from closing it in a van door when I was seven.

No, I have no remorse
for the innocent;
not a twinge of sympathy regarding the unfortunate results
of relatively harmless careless actions
and playful worth-it memories.

I’m sorry for the other things.

I don’t mean running
or swimming
or dancing
until the soreness embedded itself in my muscles, my
heart racing, pulse pounding
in my ears.
I don’t regret that.

I’m sorry
for the other things.

I’m sorry for hating you.
I’m sorry for all of the
preening and plucking and
shaving and waxing and
hair burning.

I’m sorry for the countless repulsed glances at the spot
where my stomach puffs out
and all of the daggers I stared into the place
where my thighs meet.

I am sorry for getting slashed at
by the perfectly intact glass
of the bathroom mirror, for feeling severed,
just by seeing its reflective surface.

I’m not sorry for taking up space,
but I’m sorry I ever was.

I am sorry for
switch off the light,
lock the door,
the scratch of fingers in my throat
and the starkness of the cold linoleum floor
routines
I practiced because I loathed
the way you curved
and the fatness of my pseudo-waist.

I’m sorry for falling into patterns of self-hate
that I aimed at you. Patterns
not unlike that of an alcoholic,
commencing with afternoon drinks or slightly restricted meals
and ending with wildly depressing stories to tell
and crying on stranger’s floors—
but there is no Lackers of Self-Esteem Anonymous,
no chips to collect
for every time I tell myself I’m beautiful
or, better yet, value more
than my appearance.

I am sorry for thin red lines that ran deep into my wrists
and I am sorry for the faint-inducing heat
that followed,
caused by the oversized and long-sleeved sweatshirts I hopelessly donned
to cover you up.

I’m sorry for discarding that one dress
(that you looked stellar in, by the way)
because I had degenerated into such an unhealthy
and addictively abhorrent relationship with you
that I feared
even the slightest tightness
in my attire.

I’m sorry for habitual body monitoring. I’m sorry
for using my fingers to count calories
and not positive attributes. I’m sorry
for all of the aforementioned repugnant routines
I’ve picked up over the past few years,
whether I’ve stopped them or not,
I’m sorry.

I am.

So, body, when I say
that this is an apology note,
I don’t mean I’m sorry for  the time
I skipped salad and went straight to pizza,
or even the countless dinners when
I put an extra brownie on my plate.

No, I have no remorse for that.
I don’t regret that.

I’m sorry for hating you.

But, like a sinner coming up after sinking
in a blessed lake of holy water,
I am ready to fill my lungs with new breath. I will repent
with the radical act of self-love

and I promise that I will treat you better.

if you choose her I
will understand. My heart is
breaking regardless.

When I think of you
I don't feel any emotion
I never knew you
And I never will

When I think of you
I want to know
What you were like
And if you would be proud of me

When I think of you
I only think of the few stories I've heard
And the pictures I've seen

When I think of you
All I have to say
Are questions

Dear alarm clock,
We need to talk
There needs to be an intermission
Between used and the user.
For you're the first thing I hear in the morning,
Sometimes before the rooster has even awoken
BUT,
Your obnoxious tone, that pierces the serenity
makes me remember all the mornings you tricked me into thinking I had 5 more minutes.
You s l o w down
When I stare at you
And you speed up on the moment my glazed and zombified glare ends.
You abruptly ruin my my slumber, are you crying for attention? Is there something wrong?
But the reason I'm here
Is to
Apologize..
I've ignored
Your patient plastic all day till I need you most,
And your metal arms ask nothing of it.
I guess our friendship can have its ups and downs
As long as
You're here for me tomorrow.

Oak tree
You are brooding
Exponentially grand and simply looming
At the edge of the yard that lines my childhood home
Fading into the tree-tinted horizon
One with the picture in which you paint
You
Are not a focal point
You are more like a subtle brush stroke easing its way into the foreground
But you don't mind
Oak tree
You are patience
A hundred years have touched your membrane
Stiffening and caking it in
The wrinkles of an old man's skin
Somehow still soft
Somehow still able
To reach into your moss-covered heart
Nestled neatly within your wood
And find the bravery to reach out
With winding branches
Providing the birds a place to nest
The squirrels a home to burrow and
The termites a space to feed
The worms make playgrounds of your roots
Oak tree
You have no eyes
But I know a small part of what you've seen
The burst of spring in the warmth of slanted sunshine
And the near suffocating scent of
Blossoms, seeds, and
Sweet struggling saplings
Life
Death
The stifling absence of birdsong
And presence of snow
Crumbling leaves
Rotting trees
Ice sleek to the touch and the barren shadow
Of being alone
Oak tree
Through all of this
You grow
In pursuit of the sky
You live with the will the pulsates straight up through your roots
And radiates to the end of every one of your golden branches
Oak tree
I can only hope to pick up a fragment of the wisdom you emit
As I ponder your existence
In the shade your glorious leaves provide

Dear room,
I know
It's not your fault
That you're small
-you're supposed to be an office

Clean crisp piles of
White clear paper
Stacked and neat
But instead

You're cluttered
Like you were hit with a bomb
And cramped
With a bed, closet, shelves
And who knows what else

It can't be fun
I'm sorry it has to be this way

But you're an office
As a make-shift bedroom
Cluttered and cramped.

Angels and cancer
Two TOTALLY dIfFeReNt things
My world
                    C
                       O
                           L
                     L
                   A
                          P
                              S
                           E
                        D
                                        when you died
My lungs stopped breathing and my heart beating
I miss just sitting watching Wheel Of Fortune or Jeopardy  
with you stroking my hair
I miss going to the bakeries
and pretty much  E  V   E  R  Y  W  H  E  R  E

I still have your bracelets
and wore them on my birthday
They make me feel closetoyou
and not so far                        a               w                                    a                                 y

When I see angels, chickens, bakeries, or antique shops
I feel comfort and see you
I really hope you know that even though we're apart,
I still really love you

This letter is for my Grandma Liz
and I hope she knows how much we miss her
I still have her angels but
her love will always be more than a

w
    h
       i
         s
           p
              e
                 r