I'm holding my breath
and trying to stifle my cough in my sleeve
So you'll stop yelling at me
that I'm scarring my lungs
and that you've got to be a parent sometimes

I wish I'd get healthy again, quick

in more ways than one
My brain sighs and agrees

Fists clenched so hard,
Nails piercing the skin.
Memories flow, like an endless river.
I am not alone

Searching for the answers,
Tearing through the fantasy,
Digging through the graves of the past.
I feel so alone

Pushed against the wall,
Forcing away my breath,
Feeding the fire kindling in my heart.
I can't be alone

Eyes darting back and forth,
Wondering what wall will tumble down,
Scared that my every move will cause pain.
*But I am alone

Decisions.
Deciding who you are,
what you're life will be.

Experimenting.
Something you are allowed to do,
to figure out who you are,

but don't drag anyone else into it.
*I am not here to be experimented with.

I shiver, I shake,
I rattle, I wake.

From across the room I stare at the bar,
Wondering how the hell I ever got this far.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say,
Everything around me seems to be in the way.

I wish I could just curl up into a ball,
Going through my mind just to erase it all.

I cry, I break,
I smile, I ache.

I'm lying to myself, for that I cannot deny,
You ask me questions for which I can give no alibi.

I've done it before, and I can do it again,
But this time, I am more afraid of your reign.

Please help me dear soul, for you're all I have left,
I hate this feeling of despair and bereft.

Free me from, this life of illusion,
I am still lost on the path of confusion.

I'm scared, I'm hurt
I hide, I avert.

I don't know how long this can go on,
Before you know I am completely gone.

Things near and far,
will never change,
the here and now.

Things can  last forever,
or never start,
Nobody can see in the furture.

Things will prospure,
and never lose.
the positives.

Things will end,
and never begin,
the negatives.

Things near and far,
will never change,
the hear and now

The one who I vent to,
The one who listens.
The one who probably thinks I'm crazy,
but loves me anyways.

The one who I trust for anything,
The one who I tell everything,
The one who knows all,
but never judges me.

The one who trusts me,
The one who has my back,
The one who I am here for,
and doesn't push me away.