Your words melted from the heat of your mouth
and dripped from your tongue.
The syllables sounded like gunshots firing from your lips
dropping against the ground with a metallic thud.
How many times have you performed this execution?
Deep down I knew you were a fox and I was a rabbit
but I never thought you would stop my heart in such a way.
My heart stuttered when you said my name
but now the mention of yours freezes me
like the cold that creeps into a lifeless body.
You always said you had no soul
but with every death you leave in your wake,
you collect yet another.
I remember begging you to stop speaking
to stop reloading your bullets.
But what's the point when you already planned
to leave me behind, struggling to breathe?

marvel at the complex-pattern
painting such a span of swirls
light-panels less than shimmer
in the afternoon shadows on the wooden kitchen-table
biggest fear - your leaving


1.
beautiful summer-days lost in your eyes
oblivion dances like a wily-***** at hypnotising fire-licks
from our languid-bed, I'd lazy-feed you lox-on-crackers
and everything you liked
heaven never had it so good

........................till

woke up and *you weren't there
where'd you go to?
no letter, no call.. for days


2.
to overcome this fear
I brought in a  b-i-g-g-e-r  one
that used to drive me to serious-pitfalls in the past

off to the exotic pet-shop, my toes marched me
and I got one - very toxic thing on legs
without a natural terrarium

once home, I set it free
I set free.... my biggest fear
        to blot out your absence
        to overcome your presence
        to forget you

it crawled around and made a home
while I hardly breathed nor slept
and moved about on ginger-steps


3.
I kept feeling strands of your hair
          in my sleep
          on my cheek
          inside my cry
and woke to moonlight bathed in sweat

I did not wash your pillow, after weeks now
I bury my face in olfactory-memory lingering
and pine for you, but I see your missing set of keys and..

/ scratch .. scratch /

I hear a sudden scurrying
heartbeat jumps out cage
eyeballs to the parquet-floor

nothing.


4.
I'm getting used to this new pet
and she doesn't mind my breathing
                    oh, I swear she's a brain-scanner
                    when she looks at me that way
                    like she can read me.. through and through

I dare not pet, I dare not touch... ohhhh no!
       I leave her the daily-bowl of delicious, fresh worms
       to find it empty in the evening
I guess, thanks for freedom.. of sorts

one day, I left the window open
as I jotted down some poignant thoughts
at my antique-escritoire
    espied her legs upon the solar-sill
    thought she'd be running... a leaver, too
but no..    
                 she was sunning all her legs awhile


5.
the season's changing.. leaves are falling
crackle of wind in the air

now, I'm making me some coffee in my silver whistle-***
hot, solo beverage to calm my settling-mind
when.. ping-ping.. comes a text
lo and behold....
it is you...

you!


6.
delirium / delirium /
(I'm on cloud-nine... you're coming home tonight..
                                      you love me so much, you say..
                                      made a mistake..
                                       you've got something big to share..

I've taken time to prepare a special-meal.. candles and all your faves
but must pop out quick to get some lox...)


I'm back now, got the stuff now
key in lock
but the door.. jammed by a weight.. of sorts
can't seem to push the ****-door open...
shoving hard, I see........







fear compounded by a minus
simply multiplied
disaster




S T - 4 dec 13

the first time I ate them
I felt guilty
because all I could think about
was you staring at your ceiling
you were too afraid
to look at the floor
but I'm going to be honest
I want to try more

The first time I went to the guidance office
(without being asked)
I was crying

You see, my friend had killed himself the night before
And I was having a hard time coping
He was 2 weeks away from graduating high school

We weren't going to school together at the time
But we lived in the same neighborhood
He was close to many of my very close friends

His mother was an addict
His father was abusive
He was forced to move in with him despite the fact

Some kids had decorated a tunnel in his name
There were pictures and poems
I left flowers and ribbons

The police officers told us that the pictures didn't look like him
When he was asked how he knew Cal
He said, "I met him on Sunday"

His only reference of a beautiful soul was
Him hanging above a bike path
By a rope he kept hidden from his family

Yet he claimed to know him
When he probably didn't know his name
Or what he did for us

They covered the art with paint
Claiming it was "vandalism"
This was the day after the funeral

I recanted this to Ms. Jackson
She told me he would want me to focus on my school work
She sent me back to class

They ask us why we never open up to them
How can we open up when the system is broken?
This isn't the story of a young boy's suicide

We are supposed to build trust with those who are around us for seven hours a day
But how can we
When they turn us away as we're crying?

I am addicted.
The atoms of the universe drift apart and violins cease to sound,
the everything we believe we know floating away.

My breath catches in my throat,
choking me as if it was your own hands,
it doesn't burn.

All my color, my shapes,
drifting to nothing and dissipating into my skin.
Starvation gnaws at me,
But I can't eat,
can't sit,
or sleep,
see,
think,
Dying?

But I'm only starting,
preparing to exist as ink stains my hands.

I love you?

We clash like titans,
smashing vases and cracking drywall,
my fingers rake down your back and I scream
at the top of my lungs
with every molecule of my soul
but no one, not even you hears it.

We fade to static,
twin lies drifting in the ocean,
you are an angel fish and I'm an ocean star,
we were never meant to touch
but formed our perfect harmony.

I know,
all the things about you,
that you could never dare to think,
and you only touch the surface of me,
buried in your own lies,
and thinking this is love.

We sit and burn,
calmly
not speaking a single word;
and our candle is gone.


We are the calming smoke after your last cigarette for the night.
Darling, we have died.