I have grown afraid
of awareness itself—
of awakening into a moment
where I cannot speak with you,
of being alone without the ability
to reach you
whenever fear grips me.
I will go on chasing dopamine,
feeding it,
raising it higher,
just to escape.
And so,
I lose consciousness every day,
because
whenever I return to awareness,
I remember you,
and I break into relentless tears.
There is no savior from
the desire to end it all,
and no savior from the terror
of the end itself.
I miss you Daniel