I don't know what's happening
Anymore
Anymore
My mind
Against me
Like water on rock
Hot tears
Blinking
Down my cheeks
Fast beat of my aching heart
I want to go back
Or I want to die
I'm not sure which
Perhaps both
But I don't
Don't want
To be here
Anymore
Anymore
My soul is weary
I cannot feel
I cannot fight
I can't go on
Anymore
Anymore
For the first time
In a long time
I'm thinking
Of walking outside
Into the street
It would hurt for a moment
Then no more pain
Anymore
Anymore
I want to **** myself
But I haven't the courage
And I want someone
To know
How my mind
Is betraying me
But I don't
Don't want to tell
Anyone
So when they ask me
How I'm doing
I tell them I'm fine
Because I don't have the heart
To tell them
I don't want
To be alive
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore

I know
You want me
I want you too
But it's hopeless
Fire and water
Cannot become one
The sky
And the ocean
Can never meet
Summer and winter
Know not each other's names
But I know yours
And my darling
Our souls
Have known each other
For a far longer time

I just wanted someone
Who makes no demands on me
                       He doesn't want me for my body
Or to make himself feel good
                He doesn't want me just to touch me
Or have me cook his dinner
Or show up at work functions
Or simply to be a husband
                    He doesn't want me for a moment
A week
A month
Or even a year
                                   He wants me for 20 years
50
60
                              He wants me to embrace me
And tell me I'm his
That's all I want
Someone who doesn't want me for my body
Or heart
But for my soul
Someone who wants me for the
Rest
      Of
         His
              Life

Hello
   "Sorry, I've been busy"
I know
   You've got no time for me
And oh
   How your absence hurts me
"Okay"
   "It's fine! Don't even worry!"

You break
   My heart when you don't text me
I know
   If I don't, you'll forget me
I see
   That you don't really love me
But god
   How you have destroyed me

Love is not the cure for loneliness
Or depression
Love  is the ill-working
Flow of a broken heart
And damaged soul
Only one can heal me
I just can't hear His voice right now.

Haven't felt like this in awhile
The anger
The sadness
The need for red
Running
Down
And
Down
For anything
But this
But I was okay
I was fine
The relief I took for granted
But it always comes back
I just wanted to be sane for a
Little
While
Longer

I can go minutes
Hours
Even days
Without missing you
But then
I'm laughing
In the rain
At night
And all I can think of
Is how much
I wish you were here with me

Humans are just humans
Friendships are good
And healthy,
And fun,
But none of us is any more than flesh
And
Blood
You don't need to earn anyone
And they don't need to satisfy you

I don't like myself when I'm confident
I would rather carry the demons
On my own
Then put them on those around me

Its been a year
And I finally know
What went wrong
You didn't know how to love
And I didn't realize
So I always felt
That I had to earn you
And I was never good enough

I want to
Hold you softly
Watch sunsets with you
Kiss you deeply
I want to
Go swimming
And hiking
And make memories
I want to
Buy you things
Tell you that you look handsome
Wake up with you
I want to
Learn to slow dance with you
Your hand on my waist
My head on your chest
I want to
Spend the rest of my life
Loving you
Making you dinner
And
Making
The most
Of the time we have left
I want to
Love you
More than I've ever wanted
To love someone
I just don't know you yet

For so long
I've remembered all the bad things
I've remembered how much we fought
There near the end
How hard it was
How many days
And nights
I sat
Sobbing
In my room
Ten feet from yours
And wishing I had never come
All the mornings
With puffy eyes
Hoping it would be
My last day
And the long nights
With empty lungs
Hoping it would all be a dream when I awoke
But I'm tired
I'm so tired
I'm tired of remembering it that way

I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I have two voices
In my head
Interrupting each other
Telling me things
And I'm sorry
That I can't tell
Which one is telling the truth

Maybe
A word that ricochets in my mind
Maybe we weren't meant to meet
Or maybe I wasn't meant to break your favorite spoon
It was all a fantasy
We just meet way too soon
Maybe
You weren't meant to whisper "I love you" when we sat up at night
Watching the stars
And seeing the clouds swiftly covering the harvest moon
Maybe
We weren't meant to spend happy Sunday mornings
Dancing around the kitchen
Drinking coffee
And laughing at your funny ties
Maybe we weren't meant to see that side of each other yet
Maybe we met too soon
And there's a hundred maybes waiting for us
But for now
All we have
Is that hard echo
Of "Maybe you weren't for me"

It hurts
Things don't
Always go
How you thought they would
There are
So many
Ugly things here
In this wretched world
That is burning to gray
Powder
Dusting the ground
Like fresh snow
But there is
So much beauty
Among the ashes

The thing about growing up
Is that you realize
That no one really gets a happy ending.

How do I tell you
How much I miss you
Without you knowing
How I want to kiss you
How do I let on
How much I need you
To put your strong arms around me

How do I show you
I would like to know you
The way that I know that
The day sky is blue
Can't I just open
My heart so to look in
Would tell you of all
That I see there in you

No I'll just wonder
If your heart might wander
In my direction
Or the other way
I'll hope for maybe
And that if you glimpse me
In far away memories
You'll remember me

Even at my best
I'm never good enough

I wish I could feel it
That deep longing pain
To fall in so deeply
Like drops of the rain
I'll feel it someday
Though I fear I will not
A happy thereafter
May not be my lot
I wish I could hold him
So warm and so sweet
But I guess I must wait
For the day that we meet
I wish I could feel
The soft brush of a kiss
I've not earned it yet
But so I will wish
My heart spins in circles
I wish he were here
Heart flying and pounding
As he drew ever near
Alas I shall wait
For my fairytale end
My heart is now broken
But soon it shall mend

Yeah
Being away from you hurts
The memories we shared
Still stain the backs of my eyelids
But now
I get to make new memories
With better people
Memories
That don't bring tears
To my eyes
And memories
That don't make me wonder
Why I wasn't enough

How is it
That seven years later
I still see your face
Blurry
And in stone
And you don't even remember who I am?

It's a rainy day
The sun is hiding
The fog rolls in
The road is guiding

A sweet nostalgia
Pulls strings on my heart
It's been too long
That we've been apart

The miles go on
I'm closer to you
The clouds fade away
The sky is blue

The time has come
I see your eyes
Miraculous
They match the skies

I'm in your arms
As daylight fades
And all my worries
Melt away

Yeah
I might stay up
Late on Saturday nights
And wish you were with me
That things were different
But I will never forget
Why I left.