It was never about winning or losing
It was about seeing things the way they are
And learning to use them to work towards better things.

Sometimes I want to forget you
I want to forget all the pictures we took
All the adventures we went on
Braving the cold
When no one else would
I want to forget
Laughing with you
So hard it hurt
On car rides to nowhere
I want to forget
Going hiking
And getting coffee
Sometimes I want to forget
That you were ever in my life
And imagine that all we were
Was passing strangers
On a busy street
But then... And now
With tearful eyes
I remember how full of each other we were
I remember the joy we had
Bundled up on Sundays
When we refused to turn on the heater
Because we'd rather buy pizza
Than pay the electric bill
I remember all the memories we made
With such naivety
That all that happiness would last forever
I want to freeze us in that frame
And pretend it never fell apart
I want to forget the icy cold
That is between us now
And I want to forget I ever knew you

You are worth so much**
Think of all of the thousands of leaves
And of all the blades of grass
That would have never stirred had you not driven that car down the old asphalt of your hometown
Those people who you held the elevator for
Wouldn't have gotten to work on time
Think of every bird that never would have roosted in that tree you planted when you were 17
And of the squirrel that you braked for that someone else wouldn't have
You have a place in this universe
You are a sky of greatness
And without you
Nothing would be the same

Sometimes
I'll drive down
Country roads
With the tall trees
Dips and curves in the pavement
Wind reaching through my hair
And the sun warm on my face
And
I can almost imagine
I'm home

I always wanted
To believe
That there were only good things in my future
That life would be smooth
Like an ocean
After a storm
But You ******* me up
You broke me down
In my heart
And my bones
And I spent so long
Waking up
Inhaling sobs
And exhaling
Misery
And being alive
And not wanting to be
But
It's peaceful now
And I wake up
And I can imagine
Good things happening
Again

It hurt at first
It hurt so much
All I could think of
Was pain
And you
And I thought
That the rest of my life
Would be
A rollercoaster
A typhoon
A hurricane
Of never being over you
I never thought
I'd be here
Typing these words
But it's a cool September night
There is a warm breeze in the air
Whispering of the coming fall
And pulling red leaves from their branches
I live in my own home
I love in my own way
And I can finally say
We don't belong to each other
And that's okay
And it doesn't hurt anymore.

All I want to do
Is tell someone
Scream to the world
How sad
And angry
And bitter
And hurt I am
But nobody is listening

I always needed you more
Than you needed me
Wanted you more
It was like
I could feel you slipping
Between my fingers
And I'm sorry
That it made me
Jealous
And smothering
I miss you
But you're happy now
And that's all I really wanted

True love is
Wanting someone to be happy
Even if you're not the one who gets to
Make them happy.

With His mighty hand
He lifts a star
Above the horizon

We have traded ourselves
For a sculpture
Made up of
A 20" waist
And a pawned off face

Every time we talk
.
.
.
.
.
.
I come away crying

I thought we were an endless ocean
*But even waves break upon the shore

She tore me in two
Ripped my heart from my chest
Stole 20 years of my life
And yet
Seeing her now
Kneeling on the floor
Begging for me
Giving me everything I ever wanted
For all my life
Asking for me back
I guess what I'm asking is
If the illusion of
True
Love
Love that ties a cord
Under your ribs
And pulls and pulls
Until all you are is broken shards
Of a happily ever after
If all you would ever need
Lay at your feet
A mendicant
Would you go?

It's peaceful tonight
I guess like
The eye of the storm
I'm still lost
And confused
Pain
Like a constant reminder
Is shooting up my spine
I know that tomorrow
I'll wake up and have to do this all over again
But for now
It's quiet
The sun is setting
I am warm in my bed
Waiting for the amber release
Of drug induced sleep
To weigh down my eyelids
And my heart is somehow calm
In the midst of this hurricane

In ten years,
I'll still remember you
Your smile
Your scent
The lull and tone of your voice
The missing piece of
Who I used to be
To me
You are always a star in a
Black expanse
But to you
I'll only be a
Distant fragment
Of a sunny childhood

I want to write a poem
But you've even taken that
Even every word in my mind and heart
Has been squeezed out
Broken from it's home
You are a thief
A robber in the night
You have taken all my happiness
Every drop of positivity is gone
Dripping down
         And
               Down
Into the darkness
A wall of black
That even light cannot penetrate
It's wrong
How you live
With every will
Gone
Every wish
And hope
And dream
Are no more
Because you
You
Have taken it all
You deserve nothing
And you are nothing
And you will amount to nothing
You are a worm
In a wonder world
Wandering
Breaking everything
Failing everyone
And losing everything
Good
You have pushed it all away
You are a burden on all
And you deserve your loneliness.

Wrists bleeding
Heart leading
Mind screaming
Out for help

Eyes glazing
Brain blazing
Pain raising
Higher now

Hands shaking
Thoughts quaking
Voices making
Me insane

Temples banging
Cymbals clanging
Life hanging
By a thread

Stop breathing
Chest heaving
Mind leaving
Me to die

Because of you I can't sit still in public
My hands are shaking
My body is rocking
Back
And forth

Because of you every compliment
Is seen as a lie
They can't be telling the truth

Because of you I am an expert
Overthinker
Every conversation
Every thought
Every word that comes
From my mouth
Does so incorrectly

Because of you even people
Who have never given me a reason to think
That they think lowly of me
Think so anyway

Because of you I harbor anger
For years
Because I don't want to inconvenience
Anyone by telling the truth
And for that
I can't keep friendships

Because of you I can never
Make it through a full week without
Sobbing
So much that it hurts
And my eyes are red day and night

Because of you
Not taking that step off a cliff
Makes me a coward
And I dare myself to do it every day

Because of you
I'm exhausted
Because getting through a day is so
****
Hard

Because of you
I can't do anything right

Because of you
I spend my days
Assuming that my boss
Is always looking for reasons to fire me

Because of you
I am too hot
Too cold
Too sore
This stress and pain makes me ache
Every moment is pain

Because of you
If I'm not faster
Better
Smarter than everyone else,
I am worth nothing
I am nothing

Because of you
I can never look anyone in the eyes
Like a dog, I submit by lowering
Mine too the ground

Because of you I am never happy
For my day begins, goes on, and ends with
Worry
And anxious tremors
Afraid of everything

Because of you, courage
Is something I will never have

Because of you
Everyone leaves

Because of you, it is taking me so
So
Long
To get better
But I will defeat you.
Because the one thing I am certain of
Is that I'm competitive
And I'm going to win
It's only a matter of time

I thought that maybe just this once
Everything would change
I thought that somehow my heart could
Begin to beat again
But here we are, my heart is torn
And I am on the ground
Asking for a helping hand to
Show me up from down
But you in all your pridefulness
Can't seem to bend down low
And break a nail or ***** hands
You can't tell friend from foe
So call me when your mind again
Is back to sanity
Goodbye, old friend, here's to the end
***** all your vanity

Just know oh faint of heart
Though you are not at home
We all carry our sin
But carry not alone.
Oft times we seem to stumble
And the earth seems to shake
Our hearts are torn asunder
Our balance seems to quake
But when at break of day
When all of sin and shame
Has hung upon the cross
And you have entered thus
There will be no need
For sun or light of day
The man upon the cross
Will always light our way
Henceforth tell your tale
And tell what you have seen
My Lord and God take me
For I come unto Thee

I sob for the little things
When somebody yells at me
When I just got in a fight with a dear friend
But when something touches my very soul
Reaches inside of me
And pulls my heart out
For all the world to see
Silent tears
Slip their way
Down my cheeks
And gather
In the crevices
Of my consciousness

I suppose your
Winter romance
With warm hugs
And long dinners
I guess it just
Wasn't meant to be