and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

The house I have built within myself for you
is not an empty nest
It's cupped palms that hold water just fine
a cool, stone cage for a hummingbird
the door is open
I am waiting for the right moment to fly

I have 76 missed calls, and all of them are from you. I always find myself pressing the ignore button instead of answering. It's becoming a natural reflex. You were always good at letting people out, never letting them in and seeing who you are, and what you've become. You have drug addictions and a dark past but even I can see the beauty in you. You never would believe me when I complimented you but I swear everything I said, was all true. You had long brown hair and gorgeous cheekbones, perfectly aligned with your lips. It's been 5 months since we last spoke, and it still to this day haunts me that I could go so long without touching or kissing you or even speaking to you. I always get anxiety attacks whenever you are bought up in conversations. You always made me happy, I guess people were right when they told me to not rely on others for my happiness. When we were together I felt weightless, light but still very dangerous. We always took chances and risked our lives just for the thrill of it all. But I could've sworn as long as I was with you, I would die happily in your arms, our last whiffs of air taken in together, our last heart beats, chest to chest. But now, I feel heavy, dark and dependent. Too afraid to let anyone in and repeat the same mistakes I had with you. I still love you, and a part of me always will. After you, after us, I'am not sure of anything anymore. You're probably out getting drunk, drinking ***** like it was water.  I always wonder if I should call, but what would I say? I miss you? How's your drug program going? Have you met anyone new? I still have your fingerprints on my thigh, no one could ever touch me like you did. I miss you. I hope you're doing okay. I'm lost without you, are you lost without me? All my friends think I'm crazy, but in reality I'm just crazy about the thought of  you.