Even in the
midsts
of all my
despair,

saying your
name
feels like
a breath
of
fresh-air.

start
at the
beginning
just to
follow
you to
the
end
over
  and
over
  and
over
  again.

My hands died slowly,
with blood vessels surrendering
to the chill.  They turned grey, yellow, lavender,
dusky. Dusky, like the sun had been setting
for hours and I only just realized it.
Pills made them pink again,
but I can’t help but notice
you flex your fingers after we shake.
A cold grip doesn’t suit you

yet. Gloves on, or else I’ll hold the
palm over a light bulb in the bathroom
before running it along his spine.
Blood thinned out to
water, bouquets of nerve

endings wilted.  I lost a piece
of each pinky promise, the weight
of a wedding-band.  Flipping the bird
at the catcallers carries one joint less
meaning, and I have trouble
getting to the point. As I
brush my thumb along my lover’s
wrist, back and forth and back
and forth, I only feel the holes.

We used to spend hours
driving around looking at houses and
I never understood why you went to
the middle class neighborhoods
with the big homes that all looked the same and
pointed to the ones with
heavy wooden doors and thick brick walls
and all the cars in the garage and
called them your favorite
until I heard your voice crack when you said
they just look so sturdy
and I knew that
your walls were rotting and
falling down and
your foundation was cracked and
your windows were shattered and
the ceiling was starting to
cave in and
you liked the
big homes with
heavy wooden doors and thick brick walls
and all the cars in the garage because
they were
strong
when you
weren't.

Over the years
I've built this home inside of my mind
To put away the thoughts and fears
The for sale sign allows me to leave behind.
Soon the prevailing wind
Will soon bring vacation to an end,
I'll return to find a cracking foundation
Crumbling walls and stagnation.
I'll search for answers from the beginning
The cracks in my concrete grow
But you're the one filling them, I hope you know.

I wanted to
thank you
for not giving me
what my heart
so desperately
longed-for.

It actually
made a
better man
out of
me.

The less
you
tried,
     the more
      I fell
      in
      love.

And that's
been the
story
thus
far.