Stop handing out pieces of yourself like you've got anything left to spare.

My feet may be small but in certain shoes they create thunder,
I try to walk lightly.
I feel that I make too much noise as I walk.
I don't want the world to take notice of me.

Sometimes,
I clank my heels against the pavement,
waiting for heads to turn,
waiting for the world to notice me.

I am a bundle of contradictions,
I am the biggest hypocrite that I know.
I give advice that I would never take,
tell people to run when I stand still.

With you my feet are not quiet nor are they loud,
they are shaky.
For the past nineteen years they've done a great job of holding me steady,
but around you they seem to forget how to function.
I forget how to function around you.

I thought I built walls tall enough for only the ones who cared would scale,
but you got in and started swinging.

I was never as infatuated with you as you were with me, for that I am sorry (that is the only apology I will ever owe you). I was fourteen and the earth was shaking underneath my feet, yet you somehow had the gall to try to pull the rug from under me. You were the first person I had seen who could be made unrecognizable by anger.
2. I was younger than you and desperately seeking attention. You used that against me. I still wonder if pitting two friends against each other accomplished whatever it was that you wanted. If I saw you on the street I would not recognize you.
3. The first time I kissed you I felt a hunger that I had never felt before. I could not seem to get enough of you so I called it love, talked about you like you put the sun in the sky. I gave you everything I could and in return you gave me new insecurities, I wonder if you know that. When I look back on the years we spent together I am ashamed of myself. I should have left when I found out that I was not enough for you, but I stayed for a while longer. I'm sorry that you're stuck still, I hope that one day you find your place.
4. You never mattered to me. You tried and failed at making me some sort of outcast. I forgot you existed.
5. You were my friend and we were both drunk. I thought that I loved you but realized I was saying that to spite someone else. I don't think of you, ever. I no longer appreciate the times when you decide to call me and tell me how in love with me you are, please stop wasting both of our time. I am looking for consistency, not something that fizzles out when life gets a little bit busy. I'm still waiting for an apology.
6. You had been on my radar for years before our paths finally crossed and when they did I felt invincible. The first time you kissed me I drove away cheering, I think that was when I put you on a pedestal. I made far too many excuses for the things that you said out of anger, I made far too many excuses for you, period. We are strangers now and I am only now beginning to realize that it is probably a good thing. I still think of you from time to time and wonder if you do the same.
7. I met you telling you about my broken heart, about how I hated to be ignored. You put on your best smile and told me that you would not lie to me. I now know that most everything was a lie. You didn't have to try to hurt me, I had already told you that it would be impossible. I hear you look like **** now (it makes me smile).

step 1: de·ni·al
noun
the action of declaring something to be untrue.
i thought about sending you an email today.
i got through four drafts before i quit.
i haven't talked to you in three months. i haven't deleted your messages in three months. i haven't stopped thinking about you in three months. my heart is still synced with yours. it stopped beating 131,487 minutes ago. please leave a message after the beep.

step 2: an·ger
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
i'm glad you're gone. you were a house but you were never a home for me. i've moved three times since i left.
you shoved your fingers down my throat and left me retching in the snow, excuses tripping on their way out of your cherry bitten lips.
you made me your slaughterhouse, blood on my hands and heart.
i am made of too many things, a conglomeration the size of a galaxy, thirty people sewn into my skin. there is a hole in my chest the size of your fist. please leave a message after the beep.

step 3: bar·gain
verb
negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction.
(maybe if i had loved you a little less you would have learned to love me back)

step 4: de·pres·sion
noun
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
i spent more time thinking about you than i ever did about myself. i'm not sure if this is selfish or selfless and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i hung up on you once and you didn't speak to me for a week and i'm not sure if this is love or hatred and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i haven't spoken to you in seven months. please leave a message after the beep.

step 5: ac·cept·ance
noun
agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.**
you told me that acceptance was the same as tolerance.
i don't think i believe you.
i haven't spoken to you in twelve months.
please leave a message after the beep.