as a kid we can't wait to grow up
we want to explore the world
cause nobody wants to explain with words

afraid to crash you down

so I got to be strong
cause I can't wait this long
I figured it out myself
and found the darkest place
and now need space
cause I’m falling in this phase people call it "youth"

Almost there

now I’m past halfway
3 years holding me back
and every day feels like a trap

It doesn't matter what I say,
You won't read it anyways.
But you don't hurt me,
You make me happy.
What makes me unhappy isn't you,
It's when you push me away,
Please stop icing me out.

You won't notice when you hug your mom goodnight for the last time
When you start going to bed soundlessly
You won't notice the last time your dad picks you up and carries you in his arms
You won't notice when you stop liking coloring and cartoons and focus on make up and drama
You won't notice the last time you and your best friend stop talking about an inside joke
You won't notice the last time you see your dogs big puppy eyes
You'll be too busy focusing on school and friends and love
Though you won't know true love
You'll be too focused on a job you hate instead of one you really want to do
You'll be too focused on money or how you look or what others think of you
Until you have nothing to do
Then you'll wish you had noticed all those last times
Made more of the firsts.

I've got an hourglass of time
And people I've hurt
Countless as the sand in it
I've got a broken heart
Full of regret and pain
But you don't care
Once more, I stab the wound
That was once a person
A memory that I drank away
On a cold night
A memory burned out
Leaving cold ash
As countless as the sand
In my hourglass of time

I cup the moon in my hands
from a safe space
on untamed ground
in a forgotten place.

The moon—
its glow, it lingers,
wrapping soft eggshell hues
around my fingers.

I become what I hate,
     probably with the stress of late.
A victim of lust and quick attention,
     but a being of my own invention.

The stereotype I so stubbornly resisted,
      the part of me that never coexisted.
I wish for once to be loved not desired,
       but maybe that is no longer required.

I look in the mirror and feel disgraced,
       after all, I only wished to be embraced.

Proof that people have so many layers, and that we are all so beautifully complex and interesting:

Whenever I yawn as I get up from bed
I do a high pitched sequel
Because my old dog used to do that when I was younger
And I wanted to be like her

When I want someone to get something for me I always say "I can't reachhhh"
And stretch m out my arm
Even if it's on the other side of the house
Because once when I did that I made someone laugh as they were crying

Whenever I ask someone if they're okay
And they say they are
I always ask
"Do you promise?"
Because someone did that for me once and it made me feel so loved

I have a folder on Pinterest saved as
"Everything is alright sweetheart"
Full of strangers talking to the camera
Comforting the theoretical strangers watching
Because the very fact that someone would do that
Is enough to comfort me sometimes

Whenever I need help to do the simplest electronic-related task
I always ask
"Can you do magic pwease?"
Because it always makes one of my friends smile
And I would do so much for that

When I was younger I used to light a candle in my room
Close my eyes
And pray to the stars
To make things better
Because I knew that no god I wanted could put me through this pain

I reread old text messages every night
Over and over
To prove to myself that it's all in my head
And no one hates me
Because once when my friend told me she felt that way
I gave her that advice randomly
And I realized it was actually helpful

you said you’d plant
weeping willows for me,
one in the backyard
of a house we don’t live in yet.
but i can see it.

the wind makes the branches sway
like they already know our names.
like they’ve been waiting
for us to come home.

you say,
“whatever you want,”
and i think
i want everything
as long as you’re in it.

maybe someday
we’ll take that car ride
where we’re not supposed to go,
laughing too loud,
with the windows down,
breaking a few rules,
but not each other.

and maybe
the world won’t always be kind.
but we’ll have that backyard.
those trees.
this promise.
and i’ll know i was loved
by someone who wanted
what i wanted
just because it was mine.