you said you’d plant
weeping willows for me,
one in the backyard
of a house we don’t live in yet.
but i can see it.

the wind makes the branches sway
like they already know our names.
like they’ve been waiting
for us to come home.

you say,
“whatever you want,”
and i think
i want everything
as long as you’re in it.

maybe someday
we’ll take that car ride
where we’re not supposed to go,
laughing too loud,
with the windows down,
breaking a few rules,
but not each other.

and maybe
the world won’t always be kind.
but we’ll have that backyard.
those trees.
this promise.
and i’ll know i was loved
by someone who wanted
what i wanted
just because it was mine.

I have the urge to be one of the poetic person the universe has seen;
To show up to somebody's house unannounced with their favorite flowers and poems and chocolates so we can kiss in the rain and so we can talk about the very fact that despite the odds being against us, we both live in the same world at the same time

I want to send long handwritten letters
Ask what their love language is
Hold everyone's hand
And make sure everyone knows that my shoulder is theirs to lean on

I want to walk up a stranger who looks like someone Id want to be friends with
And ask to be penpals

I want to send people every song that reminds me of them
And write them poems about the conversations we had

I want to write all over bathroom stalls
To make every person feel so so loved
And ever so precious

Why is that so strange in our modern day world?

I am the rays of sun through the window on a sleeping cats warm body
I am the pouring rain of a summer flood that waits for nobody
I am the wind turning leaves and carrying sparks
I am the blaze that tore apart the soaked forrest parks
I am the char that will replant the acres
I am the leaves that are created by makers
I am the devine
-LJ

"you need a father in your life"
He shouted at me

"Exactly" I say, choking back tears

she’s not in broken pieces.
she’s whole.
like she’s never had to tape herself back together just to get through a day.
her stomach is flat,
but all that’s flat about me
is my humor.
when i try to be enough,
and still fall short.

she’s hilarious.
she knows what to say, always.
how to make people laugh,
how to make him feel heard,
how to end a fight
with a kiss or a joke.
me?
i freeze.
i shut down.
i say the wrong thing,
or nothing at all.

she can argue with him
and still make him feel loved.
i argue and feel like
i’ve already lost.
she knows how to be fire and warmth.
i’m just scared of being
too much heat,
or not enough.

she can fill his bed
like it’s made for her.
like she belongs there.
i flinch at the thought,
afraid my body isn’t
something that could hold comfort.
she fits into all the places
i don’t.

he rests his head on her shoulder,
like it’s the only place peace lives.
with me,
he only watches from a distance,
like i’m something delicate he can break,
or something heavy
he’s too tired to carry.
i am.

she is everything i’m not.
she is confidence,
and comfort,
and beauty,
and laughter.
she is ease.
and i?
i’m just a pause between heartbeats.
i’m just trying to be worth
the space i take up.
she is everything.
and i…
i don’t know what i am.

I'm running out of time
run run running out of time
time to share my story
my words
let them flow onto the page
run run running out of time
more words more words
I need more
I need to explain my pain
and healing
I'm running out of time
more words
more lines
more sentences
more paragraphs
I'm running out of time
time to share my story
run run running out of time