Dear Anyone

I lay awake listening to the sounds of a settling apartment
It creaks and moans and then goes still what I hate most is the silence
It’s ominous

I lay there in a cold bed
My chest feels tight
And my throat feels like it’s closing
My legs are shaking
My eyes are heavy

I ask for rest
I close my eyes and pray
I feel my hot breath escape my lips
My eyes burn and water leaks from them

I want to sleep
But I cannot
I think about leaving the room
But I’m scared I’ll disturb the silence

Tears try to leave my eyes
And my eyes begin to sting  
I cannot sleep
I will not sleep
Tonight.

I miss feeling alive
Everything had a purpose back then

There was music in my heart
I want the melodies back
I want the harmonies inside my head
But alas the record that once played
Each sweet melody is broken
And I am left alone with my thoughts

My thoughts are a prison
Or a labyrinth
Either way I feel like im stuck there
The only time the feeling fades
Is when the sun comes out
And there is work to be done

I force myself out of bed evey morning
And I try to smile and make everyone -happy
But on the inside I’m dying

Im hiding in a facade of happiness
Crying behind a cracked smile
And watching as life passes me by

I miss the smell of dew covered roses
And the warmth of the sun on my face
I miss the quiet moments I used to have
Now thoughts of dark gray cloud any -sunshine

I want to exist
Because existing is way more easy
Than living
Especially when you’re not living your - truth

I smile
Hoping to give someone a reason
To talk to me
I’m ignored

Lately I’ve felt lonely
I have friends
But there is still an emptiness inside of
Me

I look at walls of beige
And carpet floors
I feel like I’m in a cage
Or a display case

Each day I live in a character
Someone who I wish I could be
I feel like I’m not genuine
I’m a clone of what society fixated as normal

It’s exhausting looking in the mirror
And seeing a ghost
Fighting it seems useless
It just crawls back into my mouth
And burrows there

Why must we become someone we’re not
To feel whole again

Tonight I am scared
I hear voices
They dont like me

Tonight I think about all my insecurities  
The things I’ve done to be loved
The lengths I would go to feel wanted

Tonight I soak myself in hot water
Hoping to drown out the regrets I hold
Blinding myself from reality with steam

Tonight I pull the covers over my head flushing out the rays of light that are supposed to comfort me

Tonight I look at the moon
I wonder how many people are like me
Whoever is just know I’m sorry

Tonight I took one step forward
And a million steps back
I took my pills to sleep

Tonight I relapsed

I look at you
And I see the future
Of humanity
The pain
The suffering
And the peace

You look at me
And see nothing
For your eyes are blind to the truth
Scars from your past cloud your vision

We look at each other
There is a ominous static in the air
A heavy burden weighs on both of us
The undying love and our insecurities

I want
You want
We want
To be healed

You were a work of art
Made from golden strokes of light
A picture of a thousand solar flares

You were a quiet wind
In the still of the night
As the leaves danced in the wind
You followed in their footsteps

You were a queen at a young age
Born to rule
Given every chance to be successful
Yet you wasted it on a boy who couldn’t love you

While you rotted away from a broken heart
Your parents tried to save you
They tried to paint you in gold
And remake the art work
That showed who you were

You took their brushes and ripped them to shreds
You gathered their paint and smeared it across a canvas Of miserableness
You tried to ruin each piece of art they made of you
When you crushed their brushes they were sent to tears
Yet they started painting with their fingers trying to reach out to you

You slowly realized that you were gold
And when you saw the art that showed who you were you began to cry
Tears of golden lace and crimson made way for the shower of rose patches on your cheeks

You are loved

I feel like my heart is longing for affection
The heart cries and hopes that one day
It will see the light of love and feel it’s warmth

Its cold all alone
I grip my sheets at night hoping that
A warm body will be there
I nuzzle my head into my pillow wishing that it was a warm chest that I could lay on

In my head I see you
Holding me with your arms around my waist
Breathing softly against my neck
That vision makes my body feel warm
It gives me chills
It gives me hope

One day I hope to find someone like the man inside my head
I hope that he loves me and never leaves me
I want someone like him so badly.