As Hamilton once said,
"I imagine death so much
it feels more like a memory."
The thoughts come often,
images of the ways I could **** myself
flashing in my mind.
I walk by a busy road
and I imagine jumping into it.
I stand on top of a building,
and I imagine falling off of it.
I see a bottle of pills,
and I wonder how many it would take to overdose
My mind,
constantly looking for ways out,
searching for the end result of death.
My body has decided to shut off all emotions.
Just cold calculations.
My mind has started to drift away
from my body,
as if I am not of myself anymore.
I don't want to die,
and that is my biggest problem.
It seems as if my mind and my body
want me dead,
but I want me alive.
I can't hurt anyone else,
and I am too much of a coward
to go into the unknowns of the next world.
So I stay here,
trapped in my mind,
trapped in my memories,
trapped with the thoughts and calculations,
of death.

I always thought
to look to the future.
What job do I want?
What job can I survive off of?
Who will I marry?
Will I marry?
Can I find a job that I can enjoy and live off of?
What pet will I have?
How many pets will I have?
WIll I travel?
What type of house will I live in?
My wonderings go on and on.
I became so trapped within my mind
that I forgot to look where I was going.
I forgot to look at what I was doing.
Days passed, then weeks, then months, and years,
and I still have no answer to my questions.
But I do have a lot of scars and hurt.
I get stuck in my mind again,
this time trapped in my memories.
Why did I do that?
Why did I say that?
Why are they gone?
Will I ever see them again?
Why did I hurt them?
Why was I so stupid?
I was trapped.
Always somewhere,
with someone,
but never here.
Never in the moment.
My mind moves a million miles per hour,
never slowing,
never stopping,
never noticing what was right in front of me.
I can barely remember so many things
that I should.
All because I couldn't stop my mind.
Lately, I've begun to realize my mortality.
I've begun to ask the age-old question of,
"What is the meaning of life?"
"Why am I living?"
I've begun to realize that I don't know
how much time I have left.
So why would I trap myself within my memories?
Why would I trap myself withing my wonderings?
I have begun to force my mind
to slow down.
To take it easy.
To live in the moment.
It helps.
It really does.
I now know I am loved.
It is not some made-up fantasy or wondering
made in my mind.
I am wanted.
It is not some longing deep behind my walls.
I am needed.
It is not some hidden guilt somewhere.
I mean something to someone.
I can be someone.
I can make a difference.
I can help.
I can make it.
I can do it.
I can beat my mind.
I can overcome my depression.
But first,
I need to learn to live in the moment.
To not let my life pass me by.
To love and to be loved.
I can do this.
I can make it.
I can live in the moment.

As I drift through this endless lie called life    
I struggle on.    

As I walk down the dark path that is my future    
I bring light.    

As I fall into the seemingly endless abyss    
that are my failures    

I spread the wings I didn't even know I had    
and I fly.

My love,
you look so tired
you are so pale
so sickly looking
so thin I can count your ribs
why don't you and lay down?
Those dark circles under your eyes
have you looking less than attractive,
have you looking like a starved, beat down animal.
Love, just lay down
and I will pull you into the safe darkness
where you will sleep
until you wake up screaming from your nightmares.
I see you going out and talking to people,
spending time away from me
happy, smiling, free,
but that's not allowed,
you belong to me.
Come home to me,
come cry to me,
I will hold you and love you,
I will tell you everything is okay,
I will show you how to be okay.
You can push away everyone,
scream at them,
cry, punch, yell, and let the thoughts come.
Let your mind take over.
It will all be okay.
Lay in the dark,
hiding for hours.
Let all of your thoughts through your wall.
Let your mind tell you exactly what you are.
When you can't take it anymore,
come to me and I will tell you what to do.
Love, don't cry,
Do see the blade over there?
Sharp, clean, shining?
Take it into your hand,
all you have to do it slide it across your skin,
just one little action.
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Keep repeating until your hands are covered in blood,
do you see how beautiful the color of your blood is?
How dark and red and mysterious?
My love, why do you continue to try and push yourself away?
You know there is no escaping me
no matter how happy you think you are,
no matter where you go
or who you see
or what you do,
I will always be there.
Watching
Waiting
Waiting for that little bit of doubt to creep into your mind.
That is always when you think of me,
that is when you always come back to me.
Do you really think you can run from me?
Did you really think you could ever escape from me?
From your thoughts?
From your scars and your past and all of the mistakes you've made?
You really want me to go away?
Do you really think
anyone else could ever love you?
To leave you?
To die?
Fine, I'll die
But here's my last bit of victory,
you'll die with me.

Dear Best Friend,
In the last year, you've become everything to me.
No matter what happens,
I know you will be there.
If I fall, and we both know I fall often, you're there.
You laugh with me and pick me back up.
If I cry, you tease me to make me laugh and make sure I'm okay.
If someone is a ****, you make them stop, you protect me.
Even though we both know I could make them stop, or at least I think so.
If I need a hug I know you will hold me until everything is alright.
I know I'm not the easiest person to be friends with, believe me, I know.
I know sometimes you may want to run away screaming from me, but if you stay,
I will be your best friend,
and I will work to be the best, best friend ever.
How you stay? I can't say.
But you do, and I love you for that.
You're the best person I know, my favorite person.
I can't be more thankful to call you my friend, my best friend.
You understand me, so utterly, so completely.
From the odd music to the crazy books, to the weird people aversion.
No matter what insane things I dream up in my mind, my unique, crazy mind,
you listen to it and try to understand it.
You deal with my dancing,
my poke in the face that I call a greeting,
you deal with my awful jokes, my clumsiness, my poetry, my art,
my over-emotional self, my under emotional self.
You accept my quiet, but also my loud.
You read my books, you try my music,
you understand my clothing choices.
BLACK GOES WITH EVERYTHING!
You go on the craziest adventures.
You get into trouble with me, and for me so that I won't be alone.
You're always there when I need you.
We laugh over the people at school, the awful principal that HATES us both,
and share so many memories.
Great and terrible,  the good and the ugly, the large and the small.
Even though I annoy you, and don't deny it I know I do,
you always have a smile for my antics.
You find the best in me.
I am a better person, and partly because of you,
the rest is definitely my own doing.
I know you'll laugh at that.
You encourage me to keep going,
even when I want to accept defeat,
you aren't afraid to pull me up,
to push me back into the fight,
to keep me alive.
When I want to let myself succumb to the voices in my head,
to the darkness pressing in,
you stop it.
You make me laugh and smile.
No matter how scared of the world I am,
no matter how afraid I am to explore,
no matter how worried I am of what may happen,
no matter how anxious I am to grow up and to stay young at the same time,
no matter how terrified I am to lose you;
I know you'll be with me,
for years to come,
for everything to come.
I know there will be fights,
but I know we will laugh in the end.
I know there will be tears, mostly from me,
but I'll dry yours and I know you'll do the same for me.
I want you to be there for me like I want to be there for you;
for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I want to be there.
To make new memories and to laugh at old ones.
Do you remember couples counseling?
Yeah, that crazy adventure.
What about the overnight?
insert vine reference here
insert tired, slightly crazy laughter from me
insert rolling of eyes while playing solitaire at IHOP at 2 am
We laugh and smile, cry and frown, and just be us.
The unstoppable us.
I feel like I could rule the entire universe,
all of the galaxies, stars, and planets,
with one hand,
as long as you were there to hold the other.
I feel like I could walk the whole earth,
as long as you walked with me.
I feel like I could soar to the highest heights,
travel to the deepest depths,
explore the farthest ends of the universe,
as long as you came with me.
With you, I am unstoppable.
With you, I am whole.
I am myself.
I am wholly, and completely, Elle, your best friend.
Words cannot describe everything you are,
everything you've done for me,
or anything you will be to me.
I've always found it cheesy when people say
"you complete me"
or something stupid like that.
Are you not fully yourself or anything without them?
Were you nothing before you had them?
The truth is, I don't know,
but I believe I'm starting to figure it out.
I am my own person,
but I don't know what I'd do without you,
and I know I cannot lose you.
I may not know what the future may hold,
but I do know I need my best friend there,
for every step I take.
So for now,
we can be us,
and stay us,
and I can deal with that.
I will stay your best friend, as long as you stay mine.
I am completely myself,
and you are completely you,
and we are completely and irrevocably us,
and I'm good with that.
It's all "Hip and cool" right?
Your best friend,
Elle

Time
unique from any other idea.
Never stopping,
always moving,
ticking,
counting down.
But for what?
Time has no thought,
no care for anyone,
or anything.
Things that should stop time,
and the earth itself,
hold everything frozen,
just for a little bit,
don't stop it.
Time plows on.
Things that should be suspended,
held in perfect clarity,
and beauty,
so that you can remember it for always,
aren't.
Time moves on.
I should be able to envision my first kiss,
my last kiss,
moments that should last forever in my mind.
But I can't, because time goes forward,
and I forget.
Time seems to be going faster.
Ever moving.
My days are running out,
and quicker than I think they should.
I know I'm not very old,
but my youth is running out if that even makes sense.
I graduate in three years and I'm on my own.
The big world, mine to conquer.
To make a difference in.
But I realize, no matter what I do,
time will move on.
With, or without me.
With, or without my memory.
Sometimes I wonder if I really matter,
or if there is any reason to go on.
If time moves on and forgets,
if time never looks back,
then why should someone remember me?
Time doesn't care.
But then I remember,
Time keeps ticking,
and so should you.
So should I.
So keep moving on,
keep fighting.
Be the person you want to be,
be the change in the world you want to see.
Be remembered.
Keep moving.
Just like time.

I guess after a while,
we just shut off.
We stop feeling,
we stop caring.
We have nothing left to give
so all we do is take.
But taking, without giving
just seems so wrong.
But we're so lost
we don't know how.
We try and we try
and we fail and we fail.
We're failures.
We're not worth anyone's time,
not worth anyone's energy,
and we do not deserve any love.
We are the broken
and
the broken cannot be fixed.
We are broken glass
and if you get too close
all you'll do is get hurt.
We try to love,
but all we leave are
scars and cuts
all over.
The only thing to do that's right
is leave the broken to die.

Darkness like a cloud
covers my mind
like a blanket over a child.
Thoughts slither into my head
telling me,
"You're not worth it"
"Nobody loves you"
"You're ugly"
"You are stupid"
"Just hurt yourself"
"Drag the knife across your skin"
"Take the iron and touch its hot surface"
Pain fills my body.
Emotional, mental, physical pain
all at once.
My vision clouds with red and then all I see is
Black.
Cold seeps through my body
tiles on the bathroom floor
blood pooling around my body.
This is my living hell.
Waiting for someone to come find me
because I can't help myself
and my attempt at death failed.
Death watches over me like a loving mother
waiting patiently to reach out its arms
and scoop me into them
and then take me into the great unknown.

Looking at my reflection
I barely know who I am anymore
I see my eyes
Brown, blue, green, grey
Not even my eyes stay the same color
Always changing
My hair as well colored differently in the light
Red, blonde, brown
Small, and teased for it
Barely over 5 feet tall
I stand tall, but still I feel weak
tanned skin from hours
walking aimlessly in the bright sunlight
Small, weak, insignificant, ugly
I glare at my reflection
A broken girl
With scars deep inside
A single tear falls
drip
Onto the counter
weak
I think
stupid girl with your stupid emotions
you know where that gets you
The bottom of the food chain in high school
Annoying, weird, not worth my time
words flung at me in the hall
My reflection breaks
who is this broken girl?
With the dark circles under her eyes
does she ever sleep?
She's so thin, does she eat?
The scars on her, what are they from?
Countless on her wrists
Some on her legs
One right on her eyebrow
what has she been though?
She has been through both heaven and hell
To reach where she is today
She straightens her spine
She is small but she is strong
She is annoying to some
But at least she's being herself
She may have trouble sleeping at night
But that doesn't stop her from moving on
From fighting
She may deal with incurable headaches
Or fighting at home
But she keeps going
She is strong
She will not let anyone tell her
Anything else

Love seems farther away than ever.
Why do people believe in it so strongly?
Everyone I've ever loved has left me
and now I feel alone.
My parents are fraying
and soon I feel they will snap.
My siblings openly tell me they hate me.
My friends are almost non-existent
and getting closer every day.
The one that I love
looks at me like I will break at any second.
Maybe he's right.
I feel broken inside.
Like glass milliseconds before it shatters on impact.
Every time that I feel I'm ready to love
I get hurt
and I'm too afraid to try again.
Every day I see his face
and I want to love him.
But I can't.
Because my mind is stronger than my heart,
my mind says to flee from him
and my heart says run to him.
My mind and my heart war every day
sometimes winning ground
sometimes losing.
But in the process,
I hurt him.
Because he never knows
if he is allowed to love me that day.
I don't know why he sticks around for me.
Why he holds me and loves me softly.
Why he kisses me and holds me so gently
when he should be running away from me.
running away from the pain that I am bound to bring.
As long as I am around,
he will be hurt.
Over and over again.
Because I am broken,
and I can't be fixed.
My heart is shattered.
Like glass, it can never be a whole and beautiful piece again.
I am broken glass,
and if he gets close
he will be cut.
I'm sorry,
but I can not love you.

Do you ever sit
among hundreds, maybe thousands,
of people
and yet, still feel alone?
Do you ever sit with your closest friends
and still feel like an outsider?
As if you are just an extra,
the unneeded friend.
You are a nobody.
But that is not such an awful thing to be,
because if you are a nobody
you have no obligations,
no promises,
no restrictions.
Start from the beginning.
Ask yourself
Who am I?
Work on yourself
to make yourself
exactly who you want to be.
You can make yourself somebody.
You just have to try.
So go.

Tears fall
running down my cheeks
dripping off of my chin
onto the notebook.
Inside my notebook
I write,
"Dear Teds"
I scratch that out.
"Dear Theo"
that is scratched out too.
"My love"
I write,
the tears come quicker.
"My love"
I break down.
"There is no easy way
to tell you this"
my tears have blurred my sight,
what I write is through a haze.
"we just can't go on"
My chest is closed,
there is no air for me to breathe.
"But I can't do this to you,
I can never be
who you need me to be.
I can never love you
the way you need to be.
I can never be
the perfect person
you deserve.
I cannot sleep
or breathe
or function,
knowing that you suffer
and all because of me.
You need to go.
To move on.
Please go,
I'm setting you free.
Please believe me,
not you,
it really is me.
I love you,
I always will.
I miss you already,
too much to put into words,
Don't forget me my love,
but please don't try
to wait for me anymore.
I'm not worth it.
Find another who is worth it,
one who will love you
and hold you
and keep you safe.
No matter what.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I'm letting you go."
My tears have run their course,
I have my letter,
I type it up,
and
I
press
SEND.
MESSAGE SENT
MESSAGE DELIVERED
READ
...............
................
.................­..........
Teddy has left the chat.

When you fall in love
you sometimes don't even realize.
You have known someone so long
and you know them so well
that you start to love them
even without realizing it.
It starts with the things you notice.
Just the little things,
the way he seems ducks his head when he talks to people
the way he tries to hide his smiles when you do something ridiculous
The way he does his hair
The way he pushes up his glasses
when they start to slide down his nose
the way he talks
sometimes hesitant but excited sometimes completely sarcastic
sometimes quietly
sometimes loudly.
You notice the way he laughs contagiously;
the way he smiles and lights up the world,
or at least, it seems that way to you.
You notice when he gets a new ring,
you know when something is wrong.
You know things no one else in the world would know about him
unless they truly loved him.
But he's just a friend....
Right?

How do you know that you love someone?
You may never recognize it
Love can be many things
Love; Verb;
“To like very much”
Love; Noun;
“An intense feeling of deep affection”
Love; Noun;
“A formula for ending an affectionate letter”
Love; Noun;
“Any real interest or pleasure in something”
Love; Noun;
“An affectionate greeting or name”
Love; Noun;
“A personified figure of love often represented as Cupid”
Love; Noun;
“A person or thing that one loves”
Love; Verb;
“A deep attachment to someone or something”
Love is difficult sometimes
Its not always easy
Its not all sunshine and unicorns and rainbows
Even though you wish it was
To love someone there has to be truth
You have to be willing to give your time to them
You have to be willing to be willing to be there when they need you
Love is amazing
But its also work
You have to be willing to give them attention
You have to be willing to give as much as you take
There will be smiles
There will be sadness
There will be blushing and giggling and laughter
And there will also be hardship
There will be happiness
And there will be silence
That hurts more than any words could ever describe
After those fights
After those loud, hard fights
But the thing about love is you have to be willing to try
You have to be understanding
You have to make up for those mistakes
That you will inevitably make
Love means that you tell the truth
No matter what
Love can be for a friend, it can be family
It can be for dating and maybe eventually marriage
Love means your okay with their craziness or oddness
Love is a wonderful thing
Its unexpected sometimes
But in the end you know that you want it
Love is true
If you truly love someone
You will be there for them
You’ll need them
As much as they need you
You’ll be protected
And you will protect them
Love is nights laying under the stars
Talking about the future
Love is holding each other during tears
Love is watching movies together
in your parent’s living room together
Love is inside jokes and gentle teasings
Love is understanding
Love is knowing each other
Better than anyone else
Love
Its messy
But its worth it
Sometimes it comes when you don’t even want it
But as soon as you have it you know
There’s no one else that you’d rather be with
Love is crazy
Love is wild
Love is everything you are
Everything you need and more
Love may not have the most in common
But love is there
Love will love you when you don’t even love yourself
You need to be willing
To do and to be the same
Love is a beautiful thing

No one
around
darkness
pressing in.
No voices,
no sounds,
just the heavy silence.
No talking,
no laughing,
no elephant feet on the stairs.
No welcome home
No "I missed you"
No hugs
No kisses
No smiles just for you.
No love
No companionship
No one
Walking through an empty house
with empty walls
and empty rooms.
Shadows cast on the walls
from my body
and only mine.
Curled up on the floor,
tears streaming down my face
trying to hold myself together
before I fall apart
Dark hearts
dark minds
dark thoughts
swirl through the house.
You never should have left
you know how you're like
and only when you're....

If I could tell you
What I needed to
Maybe things would finally be fixed
And you would be mine.
But my secrets stay buried
And guarded
And safe.
I wish I could tell you
How much I love you.
I wish I could describe
how hard it is for me every day
To see you and love you
And not call you mine.
I wish I could explain to you
About my past
About how I'm too scared to trust anyone
Because I've been hurt and beat down
Too many times to let someone in again.
I wish that I could let myself love you
Instead of being scared to be hurt
In the end.
I wish I could tell you
Of the friends that hurt me
And the boys that broke me
Beyond repair.
How the boys kissed me
Used me
and left me hurting.
I wish I could make you see
How the depression darkens my world
And crushes me daily.
How some days
I can't even get out of bed
With the darkness in my world.
How my anxiety makes it hard
To talk to people
To even breathe right.
I wish I could hide my burns
My cuts
My scars
From your eyes.
I wish I didn't sound so selfish
And stupid as I write this poem.
I'm not trying to.
And I think it's time
To go for good.
I'll pull the trigger.
I'll go.
I'm sorry.
I love you
Goodbye

I'm in love
Or am I?
Holding hands and stolen kisses.
Snuggles and hands in hair with skin on skin.
Gentle and lovely.
Urgent or patient.
"Falling in love" is never true
It's more of "Falling in like"
I don't need these things
to be in love.
To be in love
I only need you;
and no matter what,
I will work and I will try to always be there.
No matter what, I will be there and I will stay.
No matter what.
I am in love
and not just in like.

My head
Filled with pain
Of many types
Lost loved ones
Stress of life
And the headaches
The daily headaches
That haunt you
The pain rocketing through
Every fiber of your being
Explosions of pain
Leaving you gasping on the floor
Wanting everything to just
Stop
For one moment
For life to hit the pause button
To have just one breath
Free of stress, pain, and depression
Hovering over you like a dark cloud
Reaching its cold hands
Freezing you where you stand
And leaving you
Wishing you were dead
Instead of dealing with this agony
Of this game we call life
And this disease
The doctors call incurable

Dear Diary,
I miss him.
Oh my God, do I miss him.
But he pushed me away because of the things I did.
I deserve it.
I was so afraid to hurt him.
When I explode like the grenade that I am,
I didn't want to hurt him too.
So I hurt him.
Now he's gone and it hurts.
I feel like he is physically hurting me
when I hear the razor-sharp edge to his voice when he talks to me.
But it's my fault.
I know this all sounds like talk from someone crazy,
but think about it, it makes sense.
A lesser pain for him
versus dealing with the empty hole that would appear in him
when my clock runs out and
I finally give myself over to the sweet unknown of death.
-Me

On one hand, I can't wait to leave,
but on the other, I'm terrified of growing up.
I have trouble seeing the light.
What's the point if you can't see?
There isn't.
There's a ton.
There's none.
You're stuck in this void of emptiness
and you can't get out.
Stuck in a darkness where there is no light.
There is no way out.
You stay there alone, confused and afraid.
No one comes to find you.
Suddenly, there is someone;
suddenly, unexpectedly, amazingly,
and yo don't feel alone anymore.
Then they leave you, and it's worse than before.
Why did you try to grow up and to love?
Now you're afraid to love again.
Afraid to try again.
Afraid to be.
Besides, if they couldn't love you,
Why should you love you?

I have poems swirling in my head
that I want to share with the world
but they just feel trapped
as if the walls of my mind
are actually a steel cage
holding them against their will
as if my mind is afraid
that if it lets them go
that they will flow into the world
and be taken by the wind.
It's as if you hold onto the
thing you love most in the world
Because as soon as you loosen your grip
just the tiniest bit
it leaves and it never returns
and so anything you get you hold onto because if you let go
you will lose it.
If I let my words go
I will lose them to other people's minds
they won't be just my words anymore
they will be the world's
and I won't have the beauty
that I made just for me anymore.
I guess I'm being selfish?
But I mostly just think I'm scared
I'm scared to lose the things that I love

"I love you."
he whispers.
My heart is fluttering in my chest
like a billion butterflies
are loose and stuck inside.
"I love you too."
My foolish young heart answers.
Months pass.
My first kiss stolen
by one who doesn't deserve it.
He touches me
in ways he should never
have been allowed.
But if I left him alone
he would "**** himself."
I couldn't let that happen.
It would be my fault.
Plus I loved him,
right?
Hands in my hair
sliding on my skin
up my shirt
down below.
"No one can know."
I let him control me
overtake me
then hurt me.
Over and over again.
I was empty.
"Leave him"
"He doesn't deserve you"
"Look what he's doing to you"
"Leave me alone, you don't understand"
Seconds, minutes, hours, days
Then months and finally a year passes by.
I know I should leave him,
but I love him,
right?
"You need to stop."
So I do
"I'll die without you"
His last words haunt me,
but I knew they were lies
crafted to poison my mind.
I turned my back
and I walked away.
Now seconds, minutes, hours, days
then months and now a year has passed
and I am okay.
I am alive.
I am still hurt and afraid to let myself think
of trying to love again
to trust again,
but I'm moving on.
I will make it.
I am tough.
I am strong.
I am me.
I am free.

Dark, chocolate brown eyes smiling
behind your old wire-rimmed glasses.

Your hair is thick and dark and soft.
You refuse to cut it
because you know I prefer it long.

You have a serious face
that would break if you actually smiled,
but when you do actually smile,
it lights up the room.

You always wear black
because you claim it goes with everything
and it brings less attention to you.

Your hands are calloused and bigger than mine
but they’re warm
when you poke my face as a greeting.

You aren’t tall,
but you’ve got a few inches on me,
which you hold over my head,
literally.

You don’t talk often,
but somehow
we still spend all of our time together,
talking.
When you do talk,
your voice is strong and sure.
Sarcastic and hiding a smile for my craziness.

You smell like laundry detergent,
so at least your clothes are clean.

You have a clumsy walk
that makes you look like a puppy
growing into his paws.

You like to stay up late
talking to me on the phone.
You understand me perfectly
and always know what I need
and when I need it.
Your warm arms wrap around me
to make me feel safe.

You listen to loud music
and like to read odd books.
But they’re the same books I read
and the same music I listen to.

You’re dorky and odd and adorable.
Even though you would never admit it.
You don’t get along with people
or like them typically,
but when you find friends,
you’re loyal and always there.

You’re understanding and amazing.
I couldn’t ask for a more perfect best friend.

I love you
even if I'm terrified to tell you

Dear Younger Me,
you are going to love and love often.
But do not give yourself away to boys
who do not care.
Younger me,
please listen
stolen kisses in a hallway while whispers of
"I love you"
are sent back in forth is not love.
Love is not the same as lust.
When he touches you
and you feel uncomfortable
tell him no.
Pull away.
Your discomfort to make him happy
is not love.
When he tries to touch you
when you already told him to stop you run.
Run like hell.
Don't look back.
Younger me,
you are not some prize to be won.
You are not some toy for him to play with
and leave you cast away
like some forgotten childhood toy.
You are not some object
with which he can do whatever he wants.
Dear younger me,
When he says
"I love you"
only when you are letting him control you, is not love.
Love is being patient. Love is waiting.
Love is only touching you with your permission.
Love is only touching him with his.
It goes both ways.
Love is work. Love is hard.
But love is worth it.
Do not search for love in all the wrong places.
Love is patient,
so wait.

I am the girl
that looks to the rest of the population
and wonders what the hell they think they're doing.
I am the girl who is small
yet strong.
I am the girl that never cries
until someone I love is lost.
I am the girl that will fight
anyone or anything
just to survive
just to keep the ones I love safe.
I am the girl who is scared to trust
and scared to love.
I am the girl that will love fiercely and stay loyal
as long as they do the same.
I am the girl who fights
to appear strong
even when I am broken inside.
I am the girl who is now
past her breaking point.
I am the girl who struggles every night
to keep the blades away.
I am the girl who knows every possible way
to **** yourself and how much pain it brings.
I am the girl with fresh cuts and barely healed scars.
I am the girl with burns on her arms.
I am the girl who never sees light,
no matter how bright others say the sun shines.
I am the girl who others avoid and call a freak
or a ******.
I am the girl that has been pushed down so many times
sometimes I wonder if I should even get back up.
I am the girl who tries her hardest to reach her goal,
succeed and survive.
No matter what.
I am the girl who has lived heaven
I am the girl who has lived hell.
Who am I?
Well, I'll leave that to be decided.
Who are you?

I cannot sleep
through the night.
I cannot breathe
from the pressure I feel.
I cannot eat
I've lost all taste.
I cannot see
the hallucinations are taking over.
I cannot function.
I just need to
stop.

But I can't.
I need to push,
to live up
to the impossible expectations.
To look perfect
and put together
for everyone.

Nothing bothers you.
Answer with,
"I'm okay."
But you're not.
They tell you,
"You're so smart."
Even when my grades are dropping
faster than I can move
to stop them.
"You're so strong."
But what they don't know,
is that I'm breaking inside.

You just can't see it.
I've learned to hide
who I am,
how I'm feeling.
I learned to appear
perfect
even when
I'm crashing
behind my perfect mask.

I'm falling behind,
and I'm so lost
and so far.
I don't know
who I am anymore.

My head is screaming
in pain
and with words.
It hurts
from what
I'm screaming inside.

I'm stressed,
I'm hurting,
I'm sad,
and I hate myself.
I'm not the perfect girl
that I'm expected to be.

Stop telling me
I'm better
and I'm smarter
than this
when I'm already pushing past my limits.
Stop telling me
I'm a mess up,
a ***** up,
a bad daughter,
sister,
friend.

Just stop.
Please.
You're just killing
and by now
I'm almost
dead.

And when you ask
if I'm "okay"
what does that even mean?
What would be the definition of
"Okay"
in this messed up,
awful, world we live in.

So no,
I am not "okay"
but at least I'm still alive.
I'm still moving.
I'm trying not to stop.
If I do
I know
that will be the end
of the awful human being
that is me.