My love,
you look so tired
you are so pale
so sickly looking
so thin I can count your ribs
why don't you and lay down?
Those dark circles under your eyes
have you looking less than attractive,
have you looking like a starved, beat down animal.
Love, just lay down
and I will pull you into the safe darkness
where you will sleep
until you wake up screaming from your nightmares.
I see you going out and talking to people,
spending time away from me
happy, smiling, free,
but that's not allowed,
you belong to me.
Come home to me,
come cry to me,
I will hold you and love you,
I will tell you everything is okay,
I will show you how to be okay.
You can push away everyone,
scream at them,
cry, punch, yell, and let the thoughts come.
Let your mind take over.
It will all be okay.
Lay in the dark,
hiding for hours.
Let all of your thoughts through your wall.
Let your mind tell you exactly what you are.
When you can't take it anymore,
come to me and I will tell you what to do.
Love, don't cry,
Do see the blade over there?
Sharp, clean, shining?
Take it into your hand,
all you have to do it slide it across your skin,
just one little action.
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Keep repeating until your hands are covered in blood,
do you see how beautiful the color of your blood is?
How dark and red and mysterious?
My love, why do you continue to try and push yourself away?
You know there is no escaping me
no matter how happy you think you are,
no matter where you go
or who you see
or what you do,
I will always be there.
Watching
Waiting
Waiting for that little bit of doubt to creep into your mind.
That is always when you think of me,
that is when you always come back to me.
Do you really think you can run from me?
Did you really think you could ever escape from me?
From your thoughts?
From your scars and your past and all of the mistakes you've made?
You really want me to go away?
Do you really think
anyone else could ever love you?
To leave you?
To die?
Fine, I'll die
But here's my last bit of victory,
you'll die with me.

As Hamilton once said,
"I imagine death so much
it feels more like a memory."
The thoughts come often,
images of the ways I could **** myself
flashing in my mind.
I walk by a busy road
and I imagine jumping into it.
I stand on top of a building,
and I imagine falling off of it.
I see a bottle of pills,
and I wonder how many it would take to overdose
My mind,
constantly looking for ways out,
searching for the end result of death.
My body has decided to shut off all emotions.
Just cold calculations.
My mind has started to drift away
from my body,
as if I am not of myself anymore.
I don't want to die,
and that is my biggest problem.
It seems as if my mind and my body
want me dead,
but I want me alive.
I can't hurt anyone else,
and I am too much of a coward
to go into the unknowns of the next world.
So I stay here,
trapped in my mind,
trapped in my memories,
trapped with the thoughts and calculations,
of death.

I always thought
to look to the future.
What job do I want?
What job can I survive off of?
Who will I marry?
Will I marry?
Can I find a job that I can enjoy and live off of?
What pet will I have?
How many pets will I have?
WIll I travel?
What type of house will I live in?
My wonderings go on and on.
I became so trapped within my mind
that I forgot to look where I was going.
I forgot to look at what I was doing.
Days passed, then weeks, then months, and years,
and I still have no answer to my questions.
But I do have a lot of scars and hurt.
I get stuck in my mind again,
this time trapped in my memories.
Why did I do that?
Why did I say that?
Why are they gone?
Will I ever see them again?
Why did I hurt them?
Why was I so stupid?
I was trapped.
Always somewhere,
with someone,
but never here.
Never in the moment.
My mind moves a million miles per hour,
never slowing,
never stopping,
never noticing what was right in front of me.
I can barely remember so many things
that I should.
All because I couldn't stop my mind.
Lately, I've begun to realize my mortality.
I've begun to ask the age-old question of,
"What is the meaning of life?"
"Why am I living?"
I've begun to realize that I don't know
how much time I have left.
So why would I trap myself within my memories?
Why would I trap myself withing my wonderings?
I have begun to force my mind
to slow down.
To take it easy.
To live in the moment.
It helps.
It really does.
I now know I am loved.
It is not some made-up fantasy or wondering
made in my mind.
I am wanted.
It is not some longing deep behind my walls.
I am needed.
It is not some hidden guilt somewhere.
I mean something to someone.
I can be someone.
I can make a difference.
I can help.
I can make it.
I can do it.
I can beat my mind.
I can overcome my depression.
But first,
I need to learn to live in the moment.
To not let my life pass me by.
To love and to be loved.
I can do this.
I can make it.
I can live in the moment.

Love seems farther away than ever.
Why do people believe in it so strongly?
Everyone I've ever loved has left me
and now I feel alone.
My parents are fraying
and soon I feel they will snap.
My siblings openly tell me they hate me.
My friends are almost non-existent
and getting closer every day.
The one that I love
looks at me like I will break at any second.
Maybe he's right.
I feel broken inside.
Like glass milliseconds before it shatters on impact.
Every time that I feel I'm ready to love
I get hurt
and I'm too afraid to try again.
Every day I see his face
and I want to love him.
But I can't.
Because my mind is stronger than my heart,
my mind says to flee from him
and my heart says run to him.
My mind and my heart war every day
sometimes winning ground
sometimes losing.
But in the process,
I hurt him.
Because he never knows
if he is allowed to love me that day.
I don't know why he sticks around for me.
Why he holds me and loves me softly.
Why he kisses me and holds me so gently
when he should be running away from me.
running away from the pain that I am bound to bring.
As long as I am around,
he will be hurt.
Over and over again.
Because I am broken,
and I can't be fixed.
My heart is shattered.
Like glass, it can never be a whole and beautiful piece again.
I am broken glass,
and if he gets close
he will be cut.
I'm sorry,
but I can not love you.

Darkness like a cloud
covers my mind
like a blanket over a child.
Thoughts slither into my head
telling me,
"You're not worth it"
"Nobody loves you"
"You're ugly"
"You are stupid"
"Just hurt yourself"
"Drag the knife across your skin"
"Take the iron and touch its hot surface"
Pain fills my body.
Emotional, mental, physical pain
all at once.
My vision clouds with red and then all I see is
Black.
Cold seeps through my body
tiles on the bathroom floor
blood pooling around my body.
This is my living hell.
Waiting for someone to come find me
because I can't help myself
and my attempt at death failed.
Death watches over me like a loving mother
waiting patiently to reach out its arms
and scoop me into them
and then take me into the great unknown.

Do you ever sit
among hundreds, maybe thousands,
of people
and yet, still feel alone?
Do you ever sit with your closest friends
and still feel like an outsider?
As if you are just an extra,
the unneeded friend.
You are a nobody.
But that is not such an awful thing to be,
because if you are a nobody
you have no obligations,
no promises,
no restrictions.
Start from the beginning.
Ask yourself
Who am I?
Work on yourself
to make yourself
exactly who you want to be.
You can make yourself somebody.
You just have to try.
So go.

Time
unique from any other idea.
Never stopping,
always moving,
ticking,
counting down.
But for what?
Time has no thought,
no care for anyone,
or anything.
Things that should stop time,
and the earth itself,
hold everything frozen,
just for a little bit,
don't stop it.
Time plows on.
Things that should be suspended,
held in perfect clarity,
and beauty,
so that you can remember it for always,
aren't.
Time moves on.
I should be able to envision my first kiss,
my last kiss,
moments that should last forever in my mind.
But I can't, because time goes forward,
and I forget.
Time seems to be going faster.
Ever moving.
My days are running out,
and quicker than I think they should.
I know I'm not very old,
but my youth is running out if that even makes sense.
I graduate in three years and I'm on my own.
The big world, mine to conquer.
To make a difference in.
But I realize, no matter what I do,
time will move on.
With, or without me.
With, or without my memory.
Sometimes I wonder if I really matter,
or if there is any reason to go on.
If time moves on and forgets,
if time never looks back,
then why should someone remember me?
Time doesn't care.
But then I remember,
Time keeps ticking,
and so should you.
So should I.
So keep moving on,
keep fighting.
Be the person you want to be,
be the change in the world you want to see.
Be remembered.
Keep moving.
Just like time.