it's like,
cutting an apple in half;
with one drop of the knife
it won't split.
you have to keep pushing
for it to break.

similarly,
a relationship;
with one incident
it won't split.
you have to keep pushing
for it to break.

13 years ago
that Magnolia tree hovered over my yard.
it cast such a shadow
that everything underneath was always so cool.  
the flowers were so beautiful;
the purest white to the palest pink.
when the sun was at a certain angle
the tree looked magical.
5 years ago the tree split in half.

back then
the grass was so much greener.
i don't mean the metaphor
the feeling of thin lucious grass running through my toes
always amazed me.
the grass is dead now.

we used to love the rain.
we would run up
and play in the middle of the street.
until the thunder cracked
and we'd race back home,
laughing the whole way.
I'm terrified of storms now.

you used to be able to hear kids playing.
you could drive through any neighborhood at any time of day during the spring and summer.
there would be kids outside.
playing baseball, rundown, release, soccer-
riding bikes, scooters, skateboards, go karts-
jumping on pogo sticks, trampolines, and over ropes.
even at night
we would go out
trying to catch lightening bugs.
we're inside on our phones now.

the trees going to school.
God were they something.
they lined the road,
every tree was the exact same
but something about there being so many in one place
could take your breath away.
2 years ago the road and trees were destroyed

I wish things never changed

who am I kidding? it doesn't matter, it never did

I changed my wallpaper back
to that picture of us
and I put the hearts back next to your name
because
I don't want things to change
and I thought maybe..
if I did that..
you wouldn't leave & nothing would change

you're happier without me
I understand that
just please don't rub I'm the fact that you're okay
& I'm not
I can't stand to see you smile.

for someone to put the light back into me.
for someone to make me smile permanently,
not just hours at a time.
I want to feel complete
without someone having to be infront of me.
but I want someone here
or there...
someone who doesn't think I'm crazy.
someone who I dont see every day,
so the most important things
can be told on the days between.
someone who can make me feel special
who can confide in me
as I do them.

all I ask from you is
to not be what I want.

it's 8:00
the long stretch begins
when I help people up
one by one, bringing them back,
helping them finish.
suddenly I can't see straight any further
my vision is forced to bend
and I'm stuck turning the corner.
the only difference now
is those who I helped,
are not around the corner
unwilling to run my long stretch with me.
I run this alone,
much longer than I thought it to be.
theres a wall I'm supposed to climb,
but no one is on the other side to catch me.
I jump off the top.

it's now 8:30*
I land in my bed inside my dark room.
back to the place where most are comforted,
but four years ago this soft bed
felt like knives running across my skin.
days like these I'm not sure how to feel about my old friend.
today I wish we would've walked off together.
and woken up in a different time.