I'm an optimist that loves
                          the sweetness of tragedy

Self confidence
                          pushed down by gravity

Cause I'm too attached to this earth
                              It controls my sanity

Can I escape my own self?
                      Or will I stay forever ruled by fallacy

Is life a circle or is it a road ?
A means to an end
Or a forever rolling stone?

Are my actions causing an effect
Or am I repeating my steps?

There is a road less traveled
And there the road that looks pretty

And they both lead me to the same place

Rolling in my own mistakes

And I stare at people and think
Are they real or is it a combination of my minds ink
Mixed with something unknown
Making everyones story, my own

I wrote this
Or did I?

I  dont know.

But I want you to hold me when I'm alone.
Even though I live my life like the true man show

Is any of it real ?

I dont know.
But I still want you to hold me
Cause I am alone.

Hey . . .
I'd like to get to know you .. everyday
Let's get personal .. all the way

Talking is beautiful
I want to hear you articulate all your feelings and everything going inside your head
I wanna see your eyes in every mood
I  wanna see your face in every expression
I wanna touch your skin
I want you to feel my skin
Feel the heat you bring to it
Feel the pulse you accelerated
With your eyes

Don't look at me that way
Cause you got me thinking
God you've got me thinking

I can throw the papers on your desk aside
Make you feel the fire inside ..

Ugh god I can't hide .. it
Don't look at me that way
Please stop looking at me that way

Now I can't I can't get you out of my mind

I know you felt it too
The electric vibe around you
It was hard to ignore
And I knew it showed
How whenever I'm around you
I'm not in control

I dreamt about you
and it felt true
Real like my reality is fake
And the dream is the truth
Like not having you had no reasons like everything in the world was okay
I felt Contempt around you

Complete

Whole

I felt real
But my conscious is over you
My limits erased my feelings
My efforts of forgetting you worked
I forgot
But my unconsciousness is clutched on
With its steep claws in my heart
So every night I dream about you

Shame on me

But I dream about you

Shame on me

But I still dream about you

I'm over you

I just dream about you

Out of place, out of space & time
Wide awake out of papers, I am
Not okay, I am out my mind
Outer space, that's where
I've been going
To a place where
Place where nobody knows
Floating, at a pace where
Now you see me, and now you don't

I do not feel the fear of falling
I wanna fly
If it all goes well, then I will
But what if I don't?
I'll be right where I was before
But I'm not alone
You say "take my hand"
And we go (and we go)
And we go (and we go)
And I hope that we don't overdose
Cause we don't (cause we don't)
No we don't (no we don't)
Ever know when we have had enough

Wait
Now my thoughts so cloudy
And my heart's so crowded
With pain
I am so frustrated
Like my soul's been taken away
Broken promise of everything
That I thought you were
Thought you said this would never hurt
That's what it did
That is all

I do not feel the fear of falling
Thought I could fly
It didn't go well, but oh well
What do you know?
I'm right back where I was before
But I'm not alone
You say "take my hand"
And we go (and we go)
And we go (and we go)
And I hope that we don't overdose
Cause we don't (cause we don't)
No we don't (no we don't)
Ever know when we have had enough

I'm a be so cold
Need some more
I've never felt these things before
I'm a think, for sure
Please don't go
How could you not need me no more?
I don't get it
You're the only thing that I love
You're the only thing that I want
You're the only reason
The only reason

I do not feel the fear of falling
I wanna fly
If it all goes well, then I will
But what if I don't?
I'll be right where I was before
You're all that I know

All my feeling and emotions
have turned into thin paper
that you can easily cut

all what I'm going through means nothing
yet it means alot


I know I'm an open wound
but I keep ignoring it as it bleeds.

I can't tell you how much it's bleeding
if its right in front of you and you can't see.

and I don't want to depend on anything
to help it mend
to help it heal

So, I just ignore it
even though it's real

and now my thoughts have turned paper thin
cause I keep cutting down the trees
and remaking them.

Right now I just wanna move on
So being Paper thin
seems better than a growing tree

And you wonder why blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed
There's things in life you can't accept
You would fight till you die
Than stand a day in its mess

And you wonder why blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed

Freedom has a high price
And it's not given
It's taken by the oppressed

And you dont have to look far
At the world's most horrific tragedies
Look at your own anxieties

When you act like your living
But every vain in your body
Is shivering.

Cause you're supressed by capitalism
Working day and night
And your opinion is not for the giving.

Nor are you allowed to be sad
Nor are you allowed to be mad
This is how life is, they tell you
This is how life is, they convience you
Don't be a woss
They tell you
Be strong by following me
While I follow what they want me to be
And they follow what they were taught to be
By people who followed their own misery
Thinking this is how life should be

You don't wonder anymore
When you have tasted it
The depression the pain and the downgradment
It drives you insane

You don't wonder
Why the blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed

Cause freedom has a high price
And it's not given
Its demanded by the oppressed

So, are you up for the battle
Or your ganna shut up, and cry every night?
Down your pills ?
Roll a blunt ?
Down that drink ?
Then go numb ?
And go with the cattle ?

All that's real to me
Is these angels and demons
Battling my reason
The smoke fills the scene n'
The sparkles on the road
Hunny  

All that's real to me is
The lights of passing cars
The mid night cigars
Burning like the stars
Hunny  
                      
I wanna go
I wanna  **fly

Shades of pink mixed with the shades of blue *

Shades of me mixed with shades of you *

You shaped what I am as I let you inside

My shades of blue .

I write this I write it for you *

Cause even though you shaped me . I'm not shaping you

but I am loving you

I am wanting you

I want that harmony of your pink shades mixed in my blue

I want those nice days mixed with my days that I wish to undo

I want you

but keeping up with you feels like I bit more than I can chew

I bit more than I can chew

I walk down the road
Cars flashing by
Do you see me
Can you hear my screaming insides

I walk down this road
People passing by
Can you see this
The crimes Committed in my mind

I speak loud
I speak low
I told you everything you want to know
But do you want to know this
Do you want to know me
Coup d'état in flesh

rainbows and wars mesh
walking in a dress
Do you want to know
This coup d'état in flesh

I reach for the stars
but I'm a mess
I aim for your heart
But I miss

You can't define me
cause am a coup d'état in flesh

And so I walk down this road
I keep walking nothing more nothing less
Can you walk with this
Rainbows and wars mesh ?

You are an incomplete thought
a wandering boat
set to sail in my mind.

You posses that magic
That can take me away
but neither of us can drive.

You are all the radiant colors in a sun beam
you are all the hollows of the night

You are nothing I know
yet I studied you so well
I even traced the details of your smile

sometimes I give in and I let your hollows caress me

But sometimes
                      I Give up myself to complete you .

Why can't I say what I want to say ? Why can't I dance in the middle of the day while I'm walking your way across the halls to get to class why can't I sing and sing and shout why is it not allowed . Why do I have to follow a certain guideline in a conversation why can't I just say random things why does it bother you so much when I'm odd when I'm being whatever I feel like doing or saying .. it doesn't hurt anyone .. I'm not doing anything bad .. god! It's so sad the constrains we put on each other trying to fit in .. why do I have to live life already knowing everything u might do! Why why why ? And why are u scared to love and care too much , I mean I know the heartbreak can do that but still you can care as much as u want instead of wasting most of your caring on trying not to be over caring trying not to over do it cause that's not how others do it ! Again others others why do u care why do we care why do we stare , when someone does something out of the ordinary . Sometimes I get it but putting people down for being who they are that I will never understand.
So ask yourself why not??
why the hell not do what you want when u wanted there are no standards for anything
Don't over think

Will you give me love
Will you give me comfort
Will you give me security ?

Will you care about the money
Would you give me some of your money ?
Does it matter ?
Do I matter ?

I smoke my cigarette  
That I depend on for comfort
I smoke my cigarette
As I wait for my problems to end

With a broken screen on my phone
A broken heart that chokes up my throat
With a broken life I write those words

Can I depend on you ?
Cause our love is "true"
Cause you know my life
Cause you know my fight
Cause you know I'm not fragile
But you know that I've broken

Can I depend on you ?
Can you prove my past my present as untrue ?

They say money can turn people bad
But is it only the money that they had
Or are all humans conditioned to care for themselves only
Care for their wants only
And caring for others has a limit
See I can help you but with a price
You can help me but with a price
Even this cigarette has a price
But I got nothing else to depend on
So I pay my price
I'm in debt and I dying inside

So can I depend on you
To prove what I'm saying to be untrue
Please prove me wrong
Cause I can't believe my own self
How could all those people be doing me so wrong
Independency is myth
And dependency has its price
So leave me to smoke my cigarette
Atleast the cigarette never lied
And it warned me about it price

love me

Like I'm your dopamine .

Endorphin

Oxytocin

Serotonin

and I will be

Tell me . . .
Take your time and articulate it perfectly
Express your thoughts
And tell me

Your voice carries a combination of vitamins that ease this world
Vitamin passion, hope, and care
Vitamin love, and sweet complexity
And a hint of dare

So tell me
And articulate it
And I'll listen

I want to admire your creation
Bring me back to earthly life
And in you let me dive.

We are okay ..
Are the words you should never say
to someone like me
someone who can see
the salt particles in the deep blue sea

we are okay ..
but the truth is we will never be fine
as long as I exist in your life and you exist in mine.

Feel the guilt and its killing me
Even though it might be a mire perception of thoughts accumulated by my desires and insecurities triggered by my needs to satisfy and by the hurt of hurting   that is only felt by the kind hearts
A thing that might be a little pebble but it consumes the mind
Leaving nothing but worry and sickness and I'm tired so ill just break out with the truth even if it makes me look like a foul even if I'm crazy even if your the one doing me wrong  cause I'm sick and tired of this chaos of mind ill cut out all the *******. A clear conscious

I don't want to hurt you even though you hurt me, does that make sense?
I've forgiven you even though you don't deserve it , I helped you and I asked. When you didn't .. do you even care ? Sometimes I wonder am I blinded by your sweet eyes? Is what your saying just a bunch of sweet lies? What am I to you ? What am I in your eye ? Cause I've been trying to figure it out that it's always on my mind making me act different trying to shape my image in your mind so self conscious that I lost my image I don't know what do I wanna show you ?  You make me insecure, cause you are soo cool . If I could stare at you I would stare and drool. Cause I love hate you and I hate loving you. But my emotions are a roller coaster I hate then love everyone I know while your just like snow .. c o l d and though im obssessed I still pretend.
And I don't know what am I Doing to myself.

I'm always in a rush
Cause I don't ever wanna stop
Cause if I stopped I'd realize
How meaningless things are
I like the adrenaline
So why would I stop
Cause all the new people I meet
Are pieces of everyone I knew
And there's a tiny piece of you
I can tell what ya'll ganna do
Repetition
And I hate repetition
Cause I've got too much of an intuition
I can read through you
You hear me but you don't feel me though
I feel you but you don't hear me
So, There's no need to understand nor comprehend
lets just rush things
And never stop
Rush it until the day we drop

They say be free
Be great
Be unique
Words spoken with no reason
Cause with them you can't treason
Be free
While they cuff you every time you try to flee  
Be great
While they're controlling your fate
Be unique
Means choose one of what they chased  
They say be free
They say be free
You hypocrites
You base words on what ?
how can you be so tortuous
As to make me reason my every step
Then you crush it
You make me dream so big
Then you crush it
Over and over and over
They say be free
I guess freedom in their dictionary means be everything we want you to be
Be replicates of us    
So they say be free
They say grow
They mean grow around this tiny box
Grow but don't you dare and argue with us
So they say be free and grow and be unique
But they mean standard unique
You know, like being like everyone else.
So be free but don't be
Be free like us
Grow but don't grow
Grow like us
Be unique but don't be
Be unique like us
Well guess what you got your wish
Now you feel how unpleasant dealing with someone like you is ..

I doubt my own depression
I doubt my own tears
I doubt my own fears
is any of them real
what's real for me is unclear
What's unclear is who I hold dear

I doubt my own existence
I doubt if I want you away or near
I stand alone and alone I fall  
and when I'm down  I have no one to call

And I doubt my doubts if maybe I was stronger I would have more .

You've signed and sealed your soul
all over my identity.

And now they see you
in me .

Paint me in your favorite  colors
Because what your eyes see is what's beautiful in me
so would you keep looking
when I'm happy when I'm sad when I'm mad
Just keep looking at me

and paint me in your favorite colors ..

Rain on my parade
Of loud nonsense
where each drum and trumpet
Plays it's own tune on it's own tempo
and all the big balloons
are popping from the intensity of the sound
The destination is blocked so we keep going in circles round and round
but with all the noise I can still feel the sharpness of one sound
One sound
the lowest yet so loud
rain on my parade of nonsense
so I can stop and look around
under the phony moving vehicles
behind the eyes of people watching so critical  
Heavy rain would be a miracle  
rain
rain
rain
and break everything down

Our trust as been smudged
like the lipstick on your shirt

The love has been squeezed out
like our old toothpaste that's in the trash

and our conversations keep repeating
like that song on the radio that I'm sick of

your eyes used to pull me in from a distance
Now I'm right next to you and it feels like a magnetic field
Pushing me away
repelling like 2 negatives

I could've and I would've loved you unconditionally ..

I'm still that 6 year old curious little kid
I'm still that 6 year old Asian looking short hair hyper little kid
I'm still that 6 year old confused about why people act the way they do little kid
I'm still that 6 year old opinionated little kid
I'm still that 6 year old innocent kid that knows a bit more than they should
I'm still a fragile 6 year old
I'm still that ...

So why do you treat me like I'm an adult ?

Since the lights went out it has only been getting Darker .

خالي
Like the emptiness of the dessert
That is my حالي

مالني؟
Questioning my decision like a
مدير مالي

اهمالي
And if I run from it, nothing will disappear
It fact it hunts me back like a جني

عادي
Getting used to it like its my profession
And I follow it let it domesticate me like دجن

And so I created my own سجن
ملل bored of myself
I look at you for لهو
Distract me like a filler
Botox me up till I انفجر
Fake it cause ill never make it
Blind sighted like سحر

مرّ
Like the stinge in my cigarette
Like the stinge in my black coffee
Is the crave to be free

تحت جلدي
Is the truth that would punch
Hit, hurt
Get hurt and bleed
Cause from you I dont استفيد

Im leaving this earth lonely
And I dont even know me
Screaming for help
******* انبح صوتي
And everyone knows it lowkey ..

أركض
أركض
Till the last breath.

And this feeling
You will never undress

He called me up at midnight monday
Talking to me like we have met in another life
telling me how he wants me to be his future wife
telling me about all the trouble he is going through
telling me about his secrets that I never knew

I never gave him a penny of my love
and he got attached
he doesn't really know me and he got attached
to the mystery of me created by his mind
he got attached to his own solution to his own issues
Giving his own thoughts a name that happens to be mine

but the truth is if he ever listened or took the time to know me
he wouldn't be soo attached
like all the people I opened up to
gave my heart to and they threw it in the trash
If he knew how I laugh like a monkey
and how my lungs are burned like ash
how I wouldn't fit his thoughts at alll
how I'm insecure
how I'm never  sure about anything
how I overdose on everything
how I'm messy and irresponsible
how I can never tell a full story
how I can never flirt
how easily I'm open to getting hurt
how clumsy, weird and awkward I am
I told'm
agh I swear I'm not that interesting
atleast not to someone like you

but that intrigued him more
And he was tipsy
he said you will miss me when I'm gone
I told him we are not on the same page at allll

He said tell me one thing
do you love me
and I said no
he said you do cause your still talking to me
and I felt like I wanted to slap some sense into him
I really don't want to hurt you
but where your mind is talking you
I swear it's not true
but he didn't listen
he didn't call to listen

he called to give in to his thoughts
he couldn't let it go
his thoughts he gave my name
Not me
but to him it's all the same
And that's when it got lame

he said I want you
and I almost screamed
I don't want you !
hung up

And now
I'm sorry It had to be that way

I have thoughts
I have thoughts
I might be one of the greatest writers
I might be one of the greatest poets
I might be one of the greatest composers
I might be one of the greatest singers
I might be one of the greatest movie makers
I might be one of the greatest influential speakers
I might be one of the greatest actors
And I might be one of the greatest lovers

But here I am working in marketing not sure how to go about it not sure if I wanna be here
And here I am studying not sure if I wanna graduate not sure if I want to face real life
And here I am craving you not sure if you crave me too not sure if I can ever truly love you if you don't love me too
And here I am thinking
But my thoughts are not coming true

I am not sure how to go about it
I am not sure how to apply it
I am not sure how to define it
I am not sure how to define me
I am not sure how to define you
I can't explain me

And I'm not sure if anyone can
If I can't ?

My powerful thoughts are just thoughts it seems no matter what I do
I have come so far
And I might have went the wrong way ..

Even that I'm not sure if it's true

And every bit of you
is something true

Deep as the ocean
Even your tears are blue

every inch of you
is different
every piece is new

Your soul is paradise
I want to live in you

you are so true
you are so true

very bit of you

Your tears are drops of the ocean
and who doesn't love the deep blue

Your tears are drops of the ocean
and who doesn't love the deep blue

You're a thought I'm trying to explain
you're like a melody stuck in my brain
you're there but it's hard to keep you there
but I want you there
I want you to be there

4:26 am
white ceiling
Cold floors
ain't got no miss calls
I got 1..  actually 2
but none from you .

white ceiling
cold floors
I keep trippin' I stopped counting my falls

This white ceiling
those cold floors
these phone texts
My obsessiveness  
I keep compressin' this
feeling into a tiny whole
Over it I built a wall
Why don't you ******* call !

This white ceiling
This COLD WORLD
understanding is getting old
There is so much scars I can close

This white ceiling
is so clear
That I let it go
I have no one in my heart that I hold dear
no more
thank you for making that clear
world .

I like the bitterness in my black coffee
I like the singe in my cigarette

And I fall in love with the pain you cause me
the roughness in your words
The bitterness in your black soul
the singe that burns on the tip of your lips

I'm addicted to the bad in good things ..

I'm fading away
what a waste of efforts
I've invested so much in me
and now I just gave up on me
****.

I'm fading away while holding on
I'm fading away like a sand castle on a windy day .
I put so much time and effort in me
it's a shame
but who's the one to blame ?
Cause my self worth has already faded
by my own self I'm degraded

I'm fading
fading away.

Grin till the wrinkles find their place
find their space to mark their trace
The trace of every struggle you couldn't get through
So you grin, grin so they can notice you
Have you seen what I've been through ?
And so you grin to make them understand understand how steep this uphill battle is
Grin grin in their faces, just in case they have missed
Grin till it wrinkles your face
Grin till it leaves a trace
Have you not seen what I've been through ?
If you haven't my face is the proof .

I don't understand how to be
What
         I
            Want
                      To  
                            Be .

Like the front lights of a car flashing right in my eyes  
I can't see.
It's right there I know it is
but I can't see.

and
I don't want to look down
I don't want to look back
and I can't get myself to look up

I just look straight forward at oblivion light
                          Cause
Being oblivious is better than my reality.

Ya I'm talking to the 50 year old guy at the bar
Telling him how growing up is nothing but a big fat *** scar
But **** it

Ya Im waking up at 6 am but Im still drinking like its the weekend
But **** it

Ya Im the one dancing on my own without anyone even playing a song
But **** it

Ya I cut everyone out of my life
But Im speaking to this drunk old guy and he seems fine
So **** it

Ya Im spending every penny Im making.
Even though I got to take care of who made me
They're growing old and its crazy
But **** it

Ya Im holding hands with the bartender
Ya I texted my crush on tender
Ya I sent a creepy fangirl essay to that singer
But **** it

Ya Im kinda depressed and Im creating such a mess
But **** it

Ya this system is making all of us opressed
And Im a slave working day and night
But still ******* my work up
Im trying to pull it together but they think Im not even tryin'
SO **** IT

Ya Im screaming my lungs out at you saying **** this world
And **** IT
So **** IT

Ya Im 22 and you think I'm being over dramaticly blue
But **** it

Ya my anxiety is kind of paralyzing me right now and I can't move
But **** it

Ya I seem weird cause I am weird
So **** IT

AND YA IM SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT SAYING **** IT

ya I might be damaging myself
But I dont know any other way yo exist
So **** ... it

See I could tell you about the world
about the reasons we exist
And how we are living a lie
And what they show on the t.v screen
How wrong has been done to me
how much is on my mind
how I don't sleep at night


but the way you smile at me
is sweet .
And I all I can say is I have
a sweet tooth ♡