and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

Words spilled from my lungs until the day a boy kissed me.
The words were trapped inside as he pumped his own soul into mine.
I had lost all sense of what was mine.

When he left, he left like a stranger on a lonesome street.
I felt my lungs sticky and limp without use.
It **** so long before words began to pour out of me again.
I know what is mine.

I remember a day,
it was a very rainy day,
mama told us we couldn't come out to play,
but with stubbornness in us, we hid away from her,
put our wellington boots on,
and quietly,
tiptoed outside the house,
to run away,
at that time we were brave,
so young and childish,
yet so gay,
we accepted all sorts of dares,
and created our own little silly games.
I won't forget that rainy day,
when you whispered into my ear,
I was the best est sister ever,
those words brought tears to my eyes,
that's the day I plucked a daisy and placed it in your hair,
and told you that no matter ,
how many days were filled with rainy sad weather,
you always brightened up my day,
you were the reason why the rain didn't bother me then,
when in actual fact it does now that your no longer there.

how do you sleep at night knowing you broke me?
teach me.
how do you stay high without being brought down by the heavy emptiness that weighs down?
teach me.
how do you swallow the sweet and claims it's the most bitter fruit you've tasted?
teach me.
because i see you moving on so fast,
i get stuck.
dumbfounded.
if what we had,
meant something to you,
how could you turn,
our love to hate?
teach me.
so i won't have to drag you down no more,
with pathetic cries and pleads,
teach me dear.
teach me how,
you can pretend.
because i've had many masks,
but this,
bled through them all.

(FAH)