Enough
This word
Enough
Has haunted me
For so long.
Skinny enough?
Pretty enough?
Smart enough?
Am I doing enough?
Am I good enough?
Sometimes it feels like
No matter how much I do
Or how much I try
The answer is a resounding
No.

Why am I not tough enough?
Why can’t I relax enough?
Take a joke,
Laugh it off.
Let me have my fun.
I try to but I can’t.
The weight of expectations
Both self-imposed
Or otherwise,
Feels like its bearing down
Crushing me
‘Till I can’t breathe.
Every mistake
Every perceived misstep
Feels like a fatal blow.

I don’t know what enough
Even means
Or who I need to be enough for.
But maybe once I reach it,
I will know.

You said I have a heart of gold
Is that why you’ve tried so hard
To take it?
Because you want it for yourself
You can’t stand to see it shining,
Can you?
You want what you don’t have
But you offer nothing in return
Except lies
You hide away your true self
Even as I give freely of mine
Well I’ll tell you what
This heart of gold
Isn’t for you to take
I won’t let you steal it from me
And leave me aching
I’d rather save it for someone
Who wants to share in the wealth
Instead of robbing me blind

Oh how you make me smile
Every word, every story shared.
The fact that you always call me
Driving home from work,
Just another daily ritual i get to be apart of.
Id be a part of it all if i could.
With every second that you shower me in your love and attention,
My heart swells with more and more love for you,
More than i thought possible.
Every look shared between us
Every kiss,
Even every tear or tough conversation
Im grateful for it all.
Because as my love for you continues to grow,
So too does my love for someone else.
Me.
Loving me has never come easy,
But with you it only gets easier.
Goddess, koibito, babygirl,
Youve shown me that im all of these and more.
Kindness, a stern gentleness,
The way you are with me and with all those you love.
Youre so special and i wish you could see it.
Sunny disposition, always jokes at the ready.
Never fails to make me laugh
Never fails to make me smile.

everywhere I turn
there's a wall.
brick after brick,
piled up endlessly.
every corner turned
there's yet another wall.
how did I get here?
i feel so alone, so trapped.
i feel stuck in this brick prison.
and yet, still I can't recall
how I got here.

i remember the light inside of me
once radiating from every pore,
once shining out from the core
of my very being
went out.
the flame that carries my essence,
carries my very soul,
waned out slowly
like a candle,
until I was left in darkness.
but how?
yet again, I ask myself how
did I get here.

i want to blame the ones
who I shut down against.
ones who knocked and knocked
on my brick walls,
calling out to me
until I found a way to let them in.
the very same ones
who then hurt me.
each time they did
the bricks piled up more
and more.

with every part of myself
close to being irreversibly shut down
i can't bear to face it.
i've closed myself off
in a maze of brick walls
that I don't yet realize
is of my own making.
sad, frustrated, confused
i turn my inward gaze
outward instead.
i find a ladder,
using it to peer over my walls
and into the mazes of others.

i spend my time
helping others escape
their own brick prisons,
both self made
and otherwise.
but still I cannot look
at my own walls
which I carry with me
from maze to maze
keeping others
at arm's length.
bricks upon bricks
continue to pile on
making my walls
seem insurmountable.

ready to give up
and shut myself inside
these walls forever,
a tiny light beams in
through a crack
in one of my walls.
a familiar voice calls out
calling my name.
i do not want to be hurt again
so i listen to the voice
but shut myself down
from what they're telling me.

but the voice persists,
reminding me of my own strength.
you have built the maze
currently surrounding you.
you have laid down brick
after brick, and hidden inside
to protect yourself-
and in doing so,
you have imprisoned yourself.
only you can find the exit
because you created it.
only you can create openings,
windows in your maze,
because you created it.

and for the first time
in a long time
i actually believe.
i believe there's hope
because there's strength
in knowing that I can
tear down the walls of my own
making, if I chose.
i can find the exit
because only I know where it is.
so I open up that one
tiny, little crack in my wall
and let more light in.
i feel the warmth of
this light on my face,
for the first time
in a long time.

feels like the universe is screaming at me to do less
but by virtue of who i am and how i love
it’s hard.
actively trying to care less.
is this how i’m meant to live then
loving with only parts of me
the parts that others deem comfortable enough
for them?
must i cut out only the parts of my heart that you want
so as to not be too much?

I wish I could be
Unbothered
Or at least think a little less.
Anything but the noise that happens in my head.
A vicious cycle,
The more I try not to feel something
The more I feel it.

I close my eyes and imagine
That I’m one of those cool, carefree girls
The kind who effortlessly glide their way
Through conversations.
The kind who would never spend so much time
Fretting over little words,
Perceived missteps.

What I wouldn’t give
To be thoughtless sometimes.
Not permanently,
But even just for a day.
I’d do anything
To flip the switch,
To be able to know what it’s like
To float through life
And be unbothered.