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Sep 2020 · 208
the maze
Laura Sep 2020
everywhere I turn
there's a wall.
brick after brick,
piled up endlessly.
every corner turned
there's yet another wall.
how did I get here?
i feel so alone, so trapped.
i feel stuck in this brick prison.
and yet, still I can't recall
how I got here.

i remember the light inside of me
once radiating from every pore,
once shining out from the core
of my very being
went out.
the flame that carries my essence,
carries my very soul,
waned out slowly
like a candle,
until I was left in darkness.
but how?
yet again, I ask myself how
did I get here.

i want to blame the ones
who I shut down against.
ones who knocked and knocked
on my brick walls,
calling out to me
until I found a way to let them in.
the very same ones
who then hurt me.
each time they did
the bricks piled up more
and more.

with every part of myself
close to being irreversibly shut down
i can't bear to face it.
i've closed myself off
in a maze of brick walls
that I don't yet realize
is of my own making.
sad, frustrated, confused
i turn my inward gaze
outward instead.
i find a ladder,
using it to peer over my walls
and into the mazes of others.

i spend my time
helping others escape
their own brick prisons,
both self made
and otherwise.
but still I cannot look
at my own walls
which I carry with me
from maze to maze
keeping others
at arm's length.
bricks upon bricks
continue to pile on
making my walls
seem insurmountable.

ready to give up
and shut myself inside
these walls forever,
a tiny light beams in
through a crack
in one of my walls.
a familiar voice calls out
calling my name.
i do not want to be hurt again
so i listen to the voice
but shut myself down
from what they're telling me.

but the voice persists,
reminding me of my own strength.
you have built the maze
currently surrounding you.
you have laid down brick
after brick, and hidden inside
to protect yourself-
and in doing so,
you have imprisoned yourself.
only you can find the exit
because you created it.
only you can create openings,
windows in your maze,
because you created it.

and for the first time
in a long time
i actually believe.
i believe there's hope
because there's strength
in knowing that I can
tear down the walls of my own
making, if I chose.
i can find the exit
because only I know where it is.
so I open up that one
tiny, little crack in my wall
and let more light in.
i feel the warmth of
this light on my face,
for the first time
in a long time.
May 2020 · 84
too much
Laura May 2020
feels like the universe is screaming at me to do less
but by virtue of who i am and how i love
it’s hard.
actively trying to care less.
is this how i’m meant to live then
loving with only parts of me
the parts that others deem comfortable enough
for them?
must i cut out only the parts of my heart that you want
so as to not be too much?
Laura Mar 2020
Happiness, but for how long?
How long until sadness returns?
Peace, but for how long?
How long until anxiety rules again?
Safe, but for how long?
How long until fear takes over?
Love, but for how long?
How long until it's gone?

Always fretting over what's to come
Forgetting to enjoy the present.
Blessings on my lips and tongue
But my mind will not relent.
Feb 2020 · 92
Using Logic
Laura Feb 2020
Why do I love you?
Logically, you ask.
It's simple, really:
Nothing has ever come more naturally.
With you there's never guessing,
Only certainty.
The unknown, ambiguity, uncertainty,
all poison to my mind and heart-
And with you I get the opposite.
You always say exactly what you mean,
With blunt honesty I'm not accustomed to.
You always express exactly how you feel,
With a raw vulnerability I'm only used to giving,
Not receiving.
You state your intentions upfront,
Never playing any cruel games with my heart.
You share in my love instead of trying to possess it.
Feeling emotions comes easily to me,
Trusting in them and in myself does not.
At least, it did not until I met you.

You put me completely at ease.
From there, it just flows.
Communication of needs, desires,
Happens freely both ways.
You are able to meet me where I am,
And I'm never left wondering what it is
You want or expect from me.
You let me know,
So I am able to give it to you.
You mean, I can make you happy?
Without giving up my own happiness?
Huh. I didn't know that loving someone
Could be this equal.
Both giving freely of ourselves,
A symbiotic relationship.
Simply put, it just feels right.
You have given me reason after reason
To trust you
To love you
And that is why I do.
Feb 2020 · 263
Unbothered
Laura Feb 2020
I wish I could be
Unbothered
Or at least think a little less.
Anything but the noise that happens in my head.
A vicious cycle,
The more I try not to feel something
The more I feel it.

I close my eyes and imagine
That I’m one of those cool, carefree girls
The kind who effortlessly glide their way
Through conversations.
The kind who would never spend so much time
Fretting over little words,
Perceived missteps.

What I wouldn’t give
To be thoughtless sometimes.
Not permanently,
But even just for a day.
I’d do anything
To flip the switch,
To be able to know what it’s like
To float through life
And be unbothered.
Feb 2020 · 129
Empath
Laura Feb 2020
How can someone feel everything
And endure it?
What a burden it is
To feel not only each emotion
That wracks your own heart
Your own mind,
But also each emotion
Of those around you.
You can’t help but care
Want to help
Often at your own expense.
It sometimes feels
Like such a burden.

Surely though,
Surely it is a blessing.
To be able to feel
Everything,
When there are those
Who cannot feel at all.
There are those
Who do not allow themselves
To feel at all.
Some are so numb
Not only to their own emotions
But to those around them.
They may never know the joy
Of helping another.

Surely those who feel everything
And survive it
Are some of the strongest.
Feb 2020 · 193
Heart of Gold
Laura Feb 2020
You said I have a heart of gold
Is that why you’ve tried so hard
To take it?
Because you want it for yourself
You can’t stand to see it shining,
Can you?
You want what you don’t have
But you offer nothing in return
Except lies
You hide away your true self
Even as I give freely of mine
Well I’ll tell you what
This heart of gold
Isn’t for you to take
I won’t let you steal it from me
And leave me aching
I’d rather save it for someone
Who wants to share in the wealth
Instead of robbing me blind
Feb 2020 · 98
I See a Girl
Laura Feb 2020
I see a girl shrouded in fear
Doubt, anxiety plague her every thought
She clings to what she knows
Seeks only what’s familiar
And has trouble opening up

I see a girl steeped in insecurity
“Too fat, too dumb
Too sensitive, can’t take a joke”
She seeks validation from others
And thinks she’s unlovable

But now I see a girl
Who is strong, resilient
She wears her scars proudly
Like armor
Her willingness to be vulnerable
Is her greatest asset
It allows her to love fiercely
And unapologetically
She knows what she’s worth

Now I see a girl
She projects light
And hope
All she wants
Is to instill into others
That same spark of passion
She now feels
Because she knows that life
Is very much worth living
Feb 2020 · 77
Smile
Laura Feb 2020
Oh how you make me smile
Every word, every story shared.
The fact that you always call me
Driving home from work,
Just another daily ritual i get to be apart of.
Id be a part of it all if i could.
With every second that you shower me in your love and attention,
My heart swells with more and more love for you,
More than i thought possible.
Every look shared between us
Every kiss,
Even every tear or tough conversation
Im grateful for it all.
Because as my love for you continues to grow,
So too does my love for someone else.
Me.
Loving me has never come easy,
But with you it only gets easier.
Goddess, koibito, babygirl,
Youve shown me that im all of these and more.
Kindness, a stern gentleness,
The way you are with me and with all those you love.
Youre so special and i wish you could see it.
Sunny disposition, always jokes at the ready.
Never fails to make me laugh
Never fails to make me smile.
Feb 2020 · 83
Enough
Laura Feb 2020
Enough
This word
Enough
Has haunted me
For so long.
Skinny enough?
Pretty enough?
Smart enough?
Am I doing enough?
Am I good enough?
Sometimes it feels like
No matter how much I do
Or how much I try
The answer is a resounding
No.

Why am I not tough enough?
Why can’t I relax enough?
Take a joke,
Laugh it off.
Let me have my fun.
I try to but I can’t.
The weight of expectations
Both self-imposed
Or otherwise,
Feels like its bearing down
Crushing me
‘Till I can’t breathe.
Every mistake
Every perceived misstep
Feels like a fatal blow.

I don’t know what enough
Even means
Or who I need to be enough for.
But maybe once I reach it,
I will know.

— The End —