You're a ******?  Hey me too!
I've waited all my life for you.
Looks don't matter, not to me
I'm looking for inner beauty.

I have a car, it's in the shop.
I won't call you a tease if you say stop.
I live with my mom cause she gets lonely.
Who's cheating? Not me, you're my one and only.

It was before I met you, it didn't mean a thing.
Hey, the diamond was real when I bought the ring!
I'm hung like a horse, I can *** all night.
She came on to me!  I put up a fight!

I'm not drunk...I'm not high...shoot I'm barely buzzin.
That chick you saw me with?  Man, that girl's my cousin!
I'll call you tomorrow.  I had a great time.
I know for a fact that baby ain't mine!

These are some of the lies that are told by some guys,
but no need to give up if you're looking for love.
No need to freak out!
That's not all that's about.

I know some of them lie and I don't know just why,
but, just sit yourself down take a deep breath and then....
Since guys cheat and lie and make us all cry....
Just go out and look for REAL MEN!

So soft and loving,
Your hands on my face
I felt special and warm
I knew you cared

So deft and strong
The way you kneaded dough
I learned at your hands
To feed those I love

With your hand in mine
I always felt brave
I could conquer any thing
A little squeeze was all it took

My hands on your face
Gentle and loving
I hope you felt special and warm
I hope you felt how much I cared


Your trembling hands
Would spill your food
So I fed you with the same
Hands that prepared your meal

Your hand in mine, I was still afraid
You couldn't give me that little squeeze
So trembling, I held tightly
Til my hands had to set you free

Me, you
Deja vu
Once again, I fall for you

Late at night and I'm still awake
afraid to close my eyes.
We tried to fix us, too little too late
Now I'm dreading the sunrise.

I know in my heart, you've made up your mind
Come morning, you're gonna leave.
I'll stay here broken...left behind
but I'll grant you your reprieve.

Perhaps someday you'll come back to me
but really, I think you won't.
I guess that's how it's supposed to be
We must move on so we can grow.

but I'm so gonna miss you.....

I'm counting every breath you take
as I pretend to sleep.
I know you're laying there awake
Why won't you talk to me?

I wonder just what I should say
when the sun lights up the sky.
Should I ask for one more day
or should I just say goodbye?

I guess you want me to go,
guess it must be too late.
Better that I find my own road
before your love turns to hate

but I don't want to leave you.....

This morning it stormed
Lighting flashed, thunder rolled, rain fell...
All gone now

Just a sweet scent of rain in the air
And a steady wind are left to remind me
....such beauty

The birds celebrate with a cacophony of calls
That chase each other through the air
all vying to be heard

The trees dressed in their best
Dance in the breeze to their music
I sit, blessed to watch the show

It hits me, as it so often does
Most especially on days like these
God is such an artist....my favorite in fact

As night fades to dawn
Day breaks and the world carries on

When the sun lays his weary head to rest
Mother moon rises, to take a breath

Even as the stars dim away
And ready the skies for another day

Through it all, this much remains true....
My love for you

Some times I catch myself smiling as I look at her.  
My sister, deep in concentration hardly notices.
She is no procrastinator!  If it needs doing, get it done.
That's my sister.  Loyal, smart, strong.  She is woman.
That's what a real woman looks like.
She is beautiful.  She is wise.  She takes no ****.
She has a silly side.  Some times her mind is in the gutter.
She makes me laugh.  She keeps me honest.
I would be lost without her.  She's my best friend.
Her daughters agree, she is an amazing mom.
She raised them alone.  She never puts herself first. Ever.
She is a wonderful Grandma too.  Yaya is what she's called.
No one beats her at anything.  Especially loving her family.
We get on her last nerve and still she takes care of us.
One day I know we will have to be apart.  For a while at least.
I dread that day.  I fear it.  Not because she won't be here to care for us, but because she won't be here.  She won't make me laugh or yell at me to move my body.  She won't be laying in her bed with the t.v on playing games on her phone ignoring the t.v but content with the background noise.  
She won't insist on sharing a room with me even if there is an extra room.  She says she'd miss me.  I love when she says that.  I feel special, loved.  
That's my sister.  I'm so lucky to have been blessed with her. I love her so much.  That's all I wanted to say.  Just wanted to tell any one that wants to know it, that there is a lady in this world that is amazing and wonderful and kind and smart and capable of anything she puts her mind into.  And I love her with all my heart.

I was thinking today
about circles
How beautiful they
can be
Never ending; continuous
Dependable and safe

Take my circle for instance
My circle of friends
Well mostly family
My closest people
The ones I love most
Beautifully diverse

Loving and kind
Not afraid to tell the truth
Hopeful and strong
Always there to help
Expecting nothing in return
Just my love and thanks

How lucky I am to have them
They....my circle, my guiding light
We may not always agree on things
We may sometimes argue
But we are always there for each other
Always will be

After all circles are never ending

I have given my all
It just wasn't enough
It was a long road
So much of it rough

You've seen the best I have to give
But that's not what you need
It's time that we move on
Before you see the worst of me

Better we part friends
Than to leave broken and bitter
Better that it ends
Than to watch our love wither

No more Journeys left to take
No regrets as I take my leave
I'll not call us a mistake
Nor will it take us long to grieve

You'll find your way
And I'll find mine
Nothing left to say
One last kiss....we'll both be fine

How easy it is to say "Happy Mother's Day!"
But to wish you a day full of goodness is not enough.
I want your every day to be filled with happiness.
I want you to feel how much I love you every minute
of every day....for always.

A mother should always be there for you.
A mother should always have your back.
She should be strong, yet kind.
She should teach by example, the kind of person
we should aspire to be....and you do.

You are a shining example of what a mother should be.
Not only for your beautiful daughters, but to me as well.
Thank you for being such a great mother.
Thank you for being my strength...my way....my sister.
I love you.

Two poems written by my great niece Layla for my sister (her grandma, whom she calls Yaya)  and me, whom she calls Lur.  
She wanted to use my real name and she sounded it out.  Lura is what she came up with.  I love her so much and when I read her poems my heart melted.  I told her I would share them and she got
so excited.  She wants her feed back so have at it.  fyi, she's 9 years
old going on 20!


For her Yaya....

Yourself

Awesome

You're the best

Awesome grandmother

and mine....

Loving

Unique

Radiant

Amazing story teller

Really thought I'd found true love

Evil entered the picture

Prison was my life with you

Ugly soul as black as sin

Loving you my greatest regret

Staying away my greatest   accomplishment

I am free from you

Villain of my story

Exculpation....never

We got together tonight
We laughed and had some fun
We joked as we ate dinner

We played games and had a
few drinks
We listened to music and talked
and talked

When the night was over, your
first born
Your baby all grown up, kissed
you goodbye

She still kisses you goodbye...

She pressed warm lips to
the coolness of your urn and
whispered "Bye mom, I love you"
Then gathered her things and drove away

I didn't cry though I wanted to
Instead I gave her her moment
and pretended not to notice
That even now, though you're gone...

She still kisses you goodbye....

She was like the sea
Beautiful in serenity
Mysterious and deep
Legions of secrets to keep

She was like the sea
Wild in its intensity
Vicious in her treachery
Savage as the waves can be

She was like the sea
dangerously captivating
Peaceful, strong, and comforting
Cold and yet alluring

She was like the sea
She will always be a part of me
She was like the sea

Some times you stand so close to me
Some times I catch you staring
At times you lean on me and sigh
And every time I shiver

Some times when you laugh your eyes seek mine
Some times you hug me from behind
At times I think maybe just maybe
And every time I'm hopeful

Some times you stay away so long
Some times you hardly speak at all
At times you seem angry
And every time....every single time

I miss you

She was already there
I think she was waiting for us
She started saying she still loved us
Then the story unfolds
She needed us....again

When my sister spoke
She was quick to anger
Just as fast she would recover
her calm
She needed us....again

"I was held at gun point!"
"I just didn't believe you loved me!"
"Your mother made me this way!"
"I loved dad! You just don't know what I've been through!"
     "I"
          "I"
               "I"

So many sad tales
She always plays the victim
Living in a world full of villains
She cut ties with us but....
She needed us....again

This time I didn't pull my punches
This time we told her how we felt
This time the dam just broke
This time nothing was held back
This time....we had nothing to lose

"Where were you when dad needed you?!
"Why did you tell him all those lies?"
"You hurt him more than you'll ever know!"
"Why did you cut ties, what did we ever do to you?"
     "Why?"
               "Why?"
                          "Why?"

Finally the veil came down
Her act melted away
Venom was in her eyes
Hatred etched on her face
She walked away flipping us off as things didn't go her way.

We stayed and tried to calm down
We tidied things up around us
Finally sister watered the grass
It all needed to be said
Just sorry it was at your grave...and that it was on Father's Day.

I can scream
I can cry
I can curse the sky
And still, nothing will change

I still cry though
I can't help it
I still ask why
And still, nothing changes

The pain is still the same
It doesn't lessen
It's ever-present
And still, I go on

I still cry though....I can't help it

On the first day I sat
I stared at my hands
I silently prayed
Please...get better.

After a week
Things only got worse
Family began to show up
Some from far away.

I didn't know how to act
Seemed like a reunion
People greeted me saying
"Oh honey,  it's been too long!"

I wanted to scream
I wanted them to understand
My dad was dying!
But, I knew he wouldn't like it.

My dad would say
"Show some respect mija"
He'd want me to say hi
He'd expect me to greet my elders.

So I did.  Every time.  
Every newly arrived relative
I faked a smile
Then sat and silently prayed

Suppose I let you in
and forgot about the past
Let's say we start again
Would we some how make it last?

Suppose that I surrender
Simply follow my heart
Would it be like I remember?
Would it all just fall apart?

Suppose I walk away
Would regret be the end game?
Supposing that I stay
Would the ending be the same?

I suppose I could forgive you
Let go of past mistakes
I suppose "trust" is the issue
That's a promise I can't make

Suppose you walk away
and the moment passes by
Suppose....Let's just say....
It's better as goodbye

fingertips tentative on blushing cheeks•gentle warmth for blossoming kisses•a sigh escapes as our lips tenderly touch•shivers dance on my naked skin•eyes closed, the moon trembles•stars explode as tongues entwine•lost in the touch of your caresses•sensations of nervous anticipation•fingertips paint glistening skin•heated blood rushing, bodies blushing•deep moaning breaths as hands explore•modesty replaced by uninhibited desires•lips brushing the soft ivory neck•teeth detecting a hot rushing pulse•taken by surprise at my eagerness•an unashamed longing to please•her back arching with aching yearning•giving herself up, surrender so beautiful•sweet blinding tension quickly intensifies•with ****** cries, i unconsciously call your name•my mind explodes into bright oblivion•in echoes of her shuddering fulfillment•thunder recedes into candle lit night•in quivering gasps, i breathe you in•your now familiar skin so close and warm•collapsing in deep honeyed afterglow•untangling each other to gentle caress•with knowing glances, we'll sleep-in tomorrow

Oh, that I could make you feel what's in my heart.
I wish you could feel how much I love you.
That I could show you how much you mean to me,
and leave you without a shadow of a doubt how
much that is.

To some how articulate how important you are.
You...my story.....my reason......
for living, laughing, crying, breathing...being.
My true north....my truth.

I wish you could truly feel my love.
That all I had to do is hold you, kiss you,
look into your eyes and you would know.
That I completely, absolutely, irrevocably love you.

With all that I am....all that I was....all I'll ever be....
I love you.
That is my wish.
Oh!  If only you could feel what's in my heart!

Who can say that they've never known pain?
Who can say they've no regrets?
If there is one among you, you're either lucky or lying

Pain and I are old friends
He keeps me company on those long lonely nights
Regret, she too is my constant companion

"That's life"  they say
I can't argue....that's my life
I suppose it's true for many

I keep moving forward
I treat people as I would want to be treated
People don't always offer me the same courtesy

"That's life" they say
I can't change it....I've tried
I suppose it's true for many

Time marches on, things change
People get older, things stay the same
That's life....or so I've heard

There's dishes to wash
Dinner to be made
People to greet
All throughout the day

The cat needs food
The dog needs water
Let them out side
No time to shatter

The days are full
So many things to do
No time to break
No time to miss you

Until bed time....
That's when I cry
When the stars shine
and the moon lights the sky

I try to sleep
But I'm filled with sorrow
I hug your pillow
And wait for tomorrow

When the sun shines
There are things to be done
No time for sadness
My day has begun

So I put it away
In the back of my mind
I pretend you're just out
You didn't leave me behind

Until night time
When I lay my weary head
and once again I stare at your empty bed
That's when I miss you.....that's when I cry

I hate you
You're ugly and weak
I hate the way you talk
Acting humble when it's praise you seek

You talk a big game
Never do what you say
Give every one advice
But don't live your life that way

Quick to judge another
You have some nerve
When your own faults are piled so high
It really is absurd

Every one thinks you're so perfect
When deep down you know you're fake
You act like you have all the answers
When really you're full of mistakes

No need to get mad
I only speak the truth
It's for your own good
I don't mean to be uncouth

It's better that it comes from me
Than from anothers inspection
Who else than the girl in the mirror?
You can't argue with your own reflection.

I roll down the window in the back seat.
The wind feels so cool on my skin.
I sing softly so no one else can hear me.
I try to hide the mood that I am in.

I stare blankly out the window from the back seat.
Scenery blurs as the tears fill my eyes.
I cry softly so no one else can hear me.
I hide my sadness and my laughter feels like lies.

The wind through the window in the back seat,
it helps me quickly dry my tears.
I whisper softly so no one else can hear me.
Give me strength Lord and always keep me near.

I roll up the window in the back seat.
We're home the day is finally done.
My sister whispers no one hears except me.
I missed him too, you weren't the only one.

I asked for truth
You gave more lies
Asked for your company
You ignored my cries

All I wanted was dignity
You mocked me again
All I needed was love
Couldn't even call you friend

I granted your request
When you asked for a second chance
Yet you broke my heart again
With out one backward glance

I've clawed my way back
From heart ache and pain
Now I'm stronger than before
My efforts were not in vain

So today when I saw you
You were truly surprised
A new woman stood before you
Confident and wise

You're no longer my whole story
I've moved on from your deception
I don't need you any more
I am my own protection

You asked if you could call me
And I could've lost my calm
I could've "put you in your place"
But that would have been so wrong

I am who I am today
In part because of you
I am strong, I know my worth
Thanks to all that we went through

You knew the answer before I gave it
Knew it wasn't meant to be
It was the ending of our chapter
Story over, I am free!

She wasn't just a "visitor"  she'd been here a while
She sat in her corner chair, word search in hand
She always had a blanket around her shoulders
A big bag filled with snacks open at her side

Some times she'd have company
Out-of-town family maybe or perhaps a friend
They'd sit and chat, drink coffee from a paper cup
But mostly, she sat alone

She'd always leave her corner neat and clean
During visiting hours a "newbie" would never know
That corner chair was taken....that was her chair
After visiting hours she'd stretch out and re-claim her area

We knew though, we'd never take her spot
We some times met at the coffee ***
"How's your husband?"  "The same...How's your dad?"  "The same"
"Keep praying."  "I will....you too."  

Then one morning I watched as she packed her things away
With tears in her eyes, she looked at me then slowly shook her head
As she walked passed me, we clasped hands for a moment
"Keep praying" she whispered, then she walked away

Perhaps it was just a coincidence....but
No one sat in her corner chair all day
She was only one person and yet...
The ICU waiting room felt empty without her

The lady in the corner chair

Yesterday.....tomorrow
Happiness........sorrow
Promises..........­broken
Warmth.............frozen

Full heart.........empty shell
Heavens bliss....lonely hell
Future plans......hopes fade
Loves light.....eternal shade

Living a nightmare....Another day dawns
A deafening silence....learn a new song
Anger, self blame.................I finally see
Threw me away..............I'm finally free!

The time is here
Time for change
We need...
No...demand
for things to change.

but.....if you are out there
Stealing....burning....destroying
Then you are part of the problem.

That's what "they" want us to do.
They'll focus on the chaos
Distract with the anger
  
Then.....they bury it and move on
Nothing changes, suffering continues
The rich stay rich, poor stay poor
Black stays last.

Is that what we want to leave our children?
The same thing we had?
Or do we want to make it better?

Rosa Parks was a regular person
Living her life....
Then she decided, "No more"

We need to be like those before us
We need leaders to lead like they did
Those that made a difference!

Who will be part of the solution?
We need to stand united
We must decide what side of history
will we be on.
Can the great among us please stand up!
because....

The time is here
Time for change.

She said that she loved us, that she couldn't live without us
She had secrets and needed our help
We sat by her side, held tight and all cried
and vowed she wouldn't face this herself

On our promise we made good, did everything we could
but in the end she needed more than we could give
She started out strong, then it all went so wrong
Now we don't even know where she lives

Through crocodile tears she fed on our fears
and took til we had nothing left
She packed up her bags, without one backward glance
Left only trash in the room where she slept

With our patience worn thin, she knew she couldn't win
She must find a new fool for his turn
Where they don't know she lies, she quietly hides
She doesn't care, just a new bridge to burn

But here is the twister, we still love our sister
and hope some day that she wins this fight
It may be, if we pray, very hard every day
We'll hear soon that she's found the light

The sky is touched with dawn
As morning conquers night

Day is fast approaching
I sit still....waiting for the light
And think of you

If I could, I would
slow down time
so that I could stay
in this moment
for as long as possible.

If I could, I would
take as many years
as possible to
let this moment unfold.

This moment with you.

I would take my time
and memorize every
line of your face.
I would run every
silky strand of your
hair through my fingers.

I would take my time
and linger over every kiss.
I would savor the sweet
smell of your skin.
Revel in the sound
of your deep throaty
laugh.

In this moment with you....

I would show you
just how much I love you.
I would say it over and
over again.
I would marvel at just
how perfectly I fit in
your arms.

I would, If I could....

Instead....I'll hug you
and ask you how
you've been.
I'll talk with you
about times past,
then smile through
my tears as you walk away.

It's been three years to the day
I remember it was very cold
I was surrounded by family
Still, I've never felt so alone

It's been three years to the day
Sometimes it still feels unreal
I still expect to see you
Will I ever truly heal?

It's been three years to the day
That I kissed you goodbye
Three years and I'm still hurting
I still feel lost and I still cry

It's been three years to the day
Three years and it feels like forever
We keep going, one day at a time
Hoping some day we'll again be together


God give us the strength to face our lives without our dad.
May we see him again in heaven.   Amen.

You thought that you could break me
You thought that I would fall
You thought that I'd be lonely
but it's not that way at all

Yes, you broke my heart
It's in pieces I'll admit
but I'll put it back together
bit by tiny bit

It's true that I loved you
It's true that my heart aches
but you'll get nothing more from me
There's nothing left to take

I did every thing I could
to show you how I felt
You did nothing but to show me
the losing hand that I was dealt

Such twisted lies you told
No real reason why
I'm putting you behind me
Time to say goodbye

If I could dance with you
Just once around the room
My dreams would all come true
....to dance with you

If I could kiss your lips
Eyes closed, hands on your hips
It would make my heart skip
....to kiss your lips

If I could hold you tight
In my arms, through the night
All in my life would be just right
.....to hold you tight

I can't dance with you
Or hold you the whole night through
I can't kiss you tenderly
....it's just not meant to be

But if I could....I'd be whole again

Today I had to let you go
Though it broke my heart to do it
I loved you then and will forever
I hope to God you knew it

The look in your eyes as we said goodbye
Said just how much you loved me
Still the moment you left won't go away
It will forever haunt me

I know it was right to let you go
There was no other way
I held you close and softly cried
Still wishing  you could have stayed

I know that there will come a day
When we're once again together
We will never part again
This time it will be forever

When I'm scared or my faith is tested
You are there to bring me strength

When I'm confused or hurt
You bring me comfort

Together we faced loss
Over and over again

You have always been beside me
You have always helped me heal

You are my partner in this life
My friend. my brother.

I love you more than I could
ever describe in words

But on this blessed day
The day you were born I'll try

It's your birthday but
It's us your family that gets the gift

We get to spend this day with you
I know it'll be a sad one for you
But try to remember the good things

We are here with you....your girls
To spoil you as much as we can
To share with you our hopes and dreams
We'll have hard times, but we'll get through
them the only way that works.....together

Happy birthday little brother
I love you more than life it self

We met by chance
We parted by choice

We loved completely
We still let it end

We lived with regret
We tried to reconnect

We failed

There's no need for you to try so hard
You don't need to break a sweat
No need to lie to me
Every thing is pretty much set

I don't need to hear your insults
You don't have to hurt me so
No real need for such betrayal
For your real feelings to show

Others have already been there
Yes, I've seen it all before
My heart is in so many pieces
You don't have to break it any more

Please, just leave now
You're free to live the way you choose
Live your loud and happy life
I'll live mine quietly loving you

I want you
But I don't want to

I want to be better.
I even know how I can be.
Why don't I take that step?
It's like I'm stuck on re-peat.

I wish I was stronger.
I always thought I was.
With what I do, I show such weakness.
Will I ever be enough?

Why can't I break these walls,
that I've built up all around me?
I long to knock them down,
and finally live freely.

Why am I so lost,
If I know the way?
Will I ever find the courage
to finally seize the day?

Procrastination is my enemy.
Yet I hold him like a friend.
Walking in circles, there's no beginning,
so then how can it ever end?

I want to be better.
I even know how I can be.
Why don't I take that step?
It's like I'm stuck on re-peat......

No street lights
Darkness complete
Moon as a night light
Your hand in mine

I look up
Awed at the sight
The stars are twinkling
Just for us

We stole the stars

I smile at the thought
You squeeze my hand
I look up at you
You lean in and kiss me

We dance you and I
In the dark
Under the moon
Beneath the stolen stars

Say what you mean
Mean what you say
Once you speak
Your words won't go away

Beware how it's received
Take care how you phrase it
Once you scream in anger
You cannot reclaim it

Argue the point
Don't shoot to ****
Apologies may keep the peace
But the pain remains still

Words may not be bullets
They may not shoot you dead
But they can **** a trusting heart
So be careful....what's said is said

When I see you
When I don't
I could tell you
but I won't
When I see you
I could cry
Still I'm laughing
Don't know why
When I see you
Do you see me?
God I miss you
Can it be?
When I see you
I'll confess
I can't see you
What a mess
When I see you
but I don't
Best forget you
but I won't

I hope when next we meet it rains
A light Spring rain that makes the flowers grow

I'll meet you in a fresh green field
I'll run through the dewy grass straight
into your arms

The misty air will mix with my tears of absolute joy
We'll hold each other and kiss wet cheeks

Then all around us wild flowers will shoot up
As if they too are as happy as we are.
Filling the air with their perfume
And blooming in colors I've never seen before

And there we'll be
Whole once again...finally together
All three of us sisters, never to part
You'll show me everything as we wait for
the rest to come

Until that glorious moment, I'll keep you in my heart
Where you've always been
Where you'll always be

Life is on pause
A part of me missing
Half alive
Going through the motions
Sadness is in charge

Everything is as you left it
Awaiting your return
You left me half way
on the road to forever

I remember your smile
I remember your words
Full of love
I believed every single one

I no longer have illusions
You'll not return
Still I don't move on
I wait for the impossible

A steady rain is falling
No sunshine in sight
A flood of empty promises
and me without an umbrella

I watch the news and see  the world in turmoil
I listen to the cries of my people and my heart
is heavy.  I pray for them.  I ask God to intercede
on their behalf....but

I watch it all and a part of me is disconnected
For me timed stopped when I got the news
"She's gone"  I heard my niece say those words
And yet they would not penetrate, I couldn't
take it in.

It couldn't be....I've been praying so hard for
her recovery.  I have never prayed harder for
anything in my entire life.  She can't be gone
It's a mistake, has to be.....but no, it's true
She's gone.

So for me, everything that has happened since
feels like it's happening to some one else.
Like I'm watching a show or movie and the
protagonist has to keep going even though her
heart is broken to bits.

I know I've done things.  Made decisions, some of them
very important.  I'm planning a memorial for her.
I've been going on but.....it doesn't feel that way.
Hell, I've laughed with my family, I've cooked for them
I've eaten with them, but every night when I lay me down
It doesn't feel like I've done those things at all.

How can I have?  You're not here.  I look over at your
empty bed and I talk to you as if you're in it but you're
not!  So all that eating and laughing and cooking and
cleaning and getting things ready couldn't have happened!
You're not here and nothing is right!

And why does my chest feel like it's caving in?  Am I dying?
No....I'm not but you did!!!  How though?  I prayed so hard!
God is real.  I know this.  I believe this with my whole heart.
So then why?  Why did he say no?

The next second I answer my own question and the
answer is....what does it matter?  It doesn't.  He said no
and that's that.  You're gone and I'm here and I'm trying
God knows I'm trying.  But nothing is right anymore.


I'm frightened that I will never feel again the way I
felt snuggled in bed looking over and seeing you
snuggled up in yours.  I'd drift off listening to
you breathe in sleep and in that moment I was truly
blessed.  And I knew it.  I swear I did.

The same way I know now that nothing will ever be
the same again.  I'll have to figure out my new normal
What ever that is.  The worst part is that feeling that
no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to shake.

I still expect you to show up.  I'm still waiting for you
to walk through the door when I hear a car door slam
outside, but it's always some one else now and even
though I knew it wouldn't be you it's still breaks my
heart into even smaller pieces every single time.

Will that ever go away?  Some how I don't think it will.
Not this time.  Not with you.  You were my everything
My best friend, my teacher, my mother.....my sister.
I feel lost without you.  I miss you more than I thought
I could miss any one.

I want you back.  I know it's selfish as hell, but if I'm
gonna be honest I want you back.  I want you here
beside me.  I wanna laugh with you, cry with you,
be afraid with you, go through hard times with you.
Because nothing is as scary if I have you beside me.

Everything is scary with out you.  Even breathing feels
like a betrayal to you.  I should have stopped breathing when you did but.....God said no.  So I have to keep going.
Even if I don't want to.  I promised I would look after your
girls.  Your beautiful daughters that you gave to me.

And I will.  Even though I'm scared.  Even if I'm broken.
I will help them and your perfectly amazing granddaughter.
She's holding on and I will help her all I can.  I promise.
I guess that's why I'm still here.  For them. So for them
I'll find a way.  A way to live with out you.  But ****...
It hurts.  It hurts more than any thing I've ever had to face.

Most of all....I just really miss you so much.   As much as I love
you, I miss you.  I promise to be  the best person I can be.
I'll give to those in need, I'll forgive when some one hurts me.
I'll love with all my heart that way God will let me see you again.
That's what keeps me going.  That thought.  That one day,
some day....I'll be holding you again.  We'll all be together
again.  Please God let us be together again.

Falling
Fallen
Fell

Losing
Lost
In this hell

Leaving
Left
Alone

Breaking
Broken
On my own

Rising
Risen
Hope anew

Standing
Stronger
Without you

Warm balmy air
Ruffles your hair
Smell of smoke
fills my lungs

Sudden lean in
Sends me reeling
Taste of drink
upon your tongue

Bad boy image
I, so timid
Your hands gentle
as they explore

Touch so tender
Sweetest surrender
A little further
than I'd gone before

Beautiful and honest
Sincere in our promise
That we would always
be true

Convinced and so sure
Innocent and pure
You'd always love me
And I would love you

It was....yet it shall never be.
How is that possible?
It is when you have an imagination like mine.
Days full of adventure.
Nights full of passion.
In the arms of the perfect lover.
You.

The way you look at me,
A look of pure love.
The way you touch me,
So soft it makes me shiver.
I've never felt this way before.
My soul mate.
You.

I can be in your arms,
any time I wish it.
Just close my eyes and there we are,
Entwined....lips touching lips.
Warm breath on my neck.
My own perfect world.
You.

Reality, a thief that steals my dreams.
Reminding me that I'm alone.
Whispering that your heart is hers.
Your eyes, full of love, see only her face.
Her smile is only for you.
You.

Doesn't matter.  
I'll just find a quiet moment.
I'll close my eyes.
There we'll be....laughing, loving.
It is, though it shall never be.
You're mine...for as long as I want it.
You.