hidden,
in the shadows
based on opinions gathered.
you hide behind the walls of all the things that never mattered.
half-open,
half-broken,
half-truths in words spoken.
you're searching for a way
to break free,
still hoping
that you can come alive again.
grow wings so you can fly again
and experience new heights before your journey reaches end.
you deserve to smile without watching who's around,
you deserve to love,
wild
and not have to tone it down.
you deserve a space where your true colors can show.
you deserve a love to take everywhere that you go.

this space is large,
vast,
expansive...
dont give up just yet.

there are days when im like
"why dont men talk to me?"
i know im not ugly,
i know i don't smell strange...
i know im not super, duper weird.
i won't steal your dna,
try to hack your phone,
stalk you on social media,
fake-marry you in my head,
or stress you..
well maybe ill stress you a little bit,
but its all out of love.
so, why don't men talk to me?
-
my friends would say its because im a loner
and i don't leave my house,
which is not a good enough excuse.
or because i look like a 16 year old and
this i can slightly agree with because every 17 year old male ive encountered at age 22 has tried to spit game and at this point..
im seriously considering.
-
but seriously,
why don't men talk to me?
i have all of the qualities that they claim they would give the world for,
i know im barely seen but isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
yeah yeah
whatever
i know..
but that still doesn't answer my question.
-
then i randomly over-hear conversations,
and situations between a male and female
and try to picture myself in the middle of it...
and finally,
an answer!
most men don't talk to me because they have nothing to say to me.
they can already tell from the way my natural expression says untouchable.
the way my eyes are set forward,
tunnel vision,
not seeing anyone unless in direct path.
these men are smart!
they would rather not waste my time or their own,
so they leave me alone.
& this is why most men dont talk to me..

unable to tell you
exactly what's going on inside my head,
so i write instead.
feeling so misunderstood,
longing to be understood.
so much to say,
who would listen?
mind racing.


                                       pacing.

passive aggression.
avoiding the questions,
lurking for confessions,
it’s like an obsession.
i am neglecting,
i’m not accepting
anything less than
what i deserve.
i know who i am,
you know what you’ve heard.
my patience is thin,
i am on the verge
of blindly falling into all that you say you are,
but if all that you say
is just your sick way,
of getting back at me
help me up,
atleast.

they say hearts should collide
to reveal a sense of fate,
that love is curse to all,
forbidden fruit.
to let the mind reign supreme in logic,
at quickened rate & separate,
because nothing else matters,
this, to them, is truth.
-
yet, my eyes wander about,
aimless,
searching for soul window.
my skin, lonely for touch.
my spirit, wishing upon satellite posing as star.
because. who dreams still of connection?
beyond the man-made,
ill perception,
to worship tangible,
to turn a cheek to ever-lasting love.
-

your 16 year old pain is temporary.
the things you stress over at 16 are not worth a single tear
or cut at the wrist.
-
  the world as you know it will only reveal itself to be more ghastly than you think,
but your world doesn't have to be a reflection of the world you live in.
-
    some people go through things because they know no better
& just because you witness pain doesn't mean you have to resonate with it.
-
sympathize with the things you see people go through,
be of help if that is something you can do.
    do not destroy yourself trying to be everything for everyone.
follow your dreams,
be the best you can be,
& be the change in the world that you want to see.

i’m stuck...
writing about past feelings and beginners luck.
running from emotions,
while still holding onto trust
that if life should take its course;
no self-ish motive or care,
there’s nothing wether high or low
that i should ever fear..
-
im learning rhymes heal wounds
but only for awhile,
growing up is tragic  
i may always be a child.
filled on magic
always wild,
chaotic,
misunderstood..
but everything will always come together
as it should.

moon-light monster seeking out the dark,
channeling destruction leaving nothing,
not a mark.
searching for parts
and pieces
or paths
where peace is.

these days its like I'm getting less interested, running from things that don't make my life interesting.
ain't playing them games or doing them things with ya, ain't making a change or adjusting things for ya.
tho im never losing hope im too focused on the growth
& when you no longer need people is when they need you the most.
but when i needed you most, when i needed you close
you stayed so far away, so you can stay so far from me.
i built myself up, i built me up tough & i ain't losing my ****, im not losing with ****.
did you forget? you were the one being choosy, the one being so confusing
searching for something better baby and now you losing..
bet them other girls ain't like me, can't ease your mind like i did
can't put it down like i did
dont handle **** like i did for you..
you know its true, they ain't waiting up til 4am to listen like i do.
i can't even lie you caught me by surprise, you opened my eyes and made me realize things aren't what they seem to me and you ain't what you seemed to be. all the **** you claimed to be, was all a claim its plain to see.
in love with the idea of me but let's face it you broken too,
both got issues and both need fixing but i still never got cold with you.
trust got ****** up and you, you lucked up.
you got me in my feelings, you got me wanting to feel on you.
you had me into feeling all the things you said you feel to do.
emotions going crazy for you baby boy i feel for you. all those issues must be hard to carry
with all those issues it must be scary,
to give up your heart and give up your love..
but if you can't give up no trust then it just ain't enough
you knew i was good for you, do anything to do good by you.
i wanted to be the good you see when life showed you how ****** up it can be.
now the only thing i can give to you is words that will make you regret walking away, words i couldn't say..
words that make me wonder if they could have made you stay, or were you too far away?

i went from craving
desires,
sxxxually.
to spurning alliance,
definitely.
from the stroking of ego,
walls evasively caressed;
to a glimpse of all that’s righteous,
& a conscience yet undressed.
drowning in depth of
intimacy,
clouding respective
intuity.
fxxxcking the **** out of my
actuality.
in reality,
there was no mutuality.
only a tempered battle flee,
consisting of my soul’s attempted plea,
to be free.

no time for burning bridges,
im over throwing stones.
this life ain’t what i pictured
but im making it my own.
be glad when it’s all finished,
i know this is not my home.
im losing myself in it.
always losing myself in this.

it’s an illusion
that’s my conclusion.

so powerful,
you make moments happen two times.
so clever,
you can change the course with your mind.
less of a bad b#tch,
closer to sublime.
true evolution,
a living goddess
in its prime.

not psychic but i predict your selfish movements.
the way you fumble in & out with ill intent.
you must be bored with them.
you know? the ones that bring comfort
that only ever last a moment.
then the coldness, it catches up.
like a game of tag...
you’re it!

my juices flow openly,
please never let go of me.
spill yourself and
let your scent linger throughout my depth so that i can find my way back to you.
this energy speaks for itself,
sometimes it takes full control,
full throttle
with cheat codes,
to unlock my beast mode...
i will always find my way back to you.
-
my essence can heal you
just show me the real you.

why settle where you are unhappy?
amongst beings that only dream in sense of nightmares,
only dream of sceneries tangible and surface,
without awareness of intensity and depth...
im wondering,
is there a place in this world
to condone my escape from this world?
are there beings that see as vivid as i....