I'm confused, baffled, unsettled. I am shamed for just existing. Most of my life Ive been treated this way.
Yet I take another breath.
I'm a child again, begging someone to give a ****.
Rejection, abandonment, ***** lil secret was my burden and cross to carry. Always has been. I don't understand why though. Guess God found it amusing or he would have made this horror movie of a life much better. Everyday I rearrange my life to fit into this stupid,small, rectangular, soffocating, tomb of a box.
I sit in this box quietly doing my best to not disturb you. Or your friends or your frequent parties. While both of those I am not allowed. I feel like a unwanted, adopted child sitting in the corner being punished. Tell me what the **** is it that I've done so bad to be shamed all my ******* life for just my existence. I just sit here and ask God why do I exist? I'm not aloud to be human anymore. But I'm supposed to watch my "friend" break every rule she ever gave me. While being looked down upon if someone comes to see me. Now she got her way only one comes to visit me. No one else is welcomed without punishment and belittling judgement. I ******* hate my life! I ******* hate this stupid, small, rectangular box! I'm in prison with a life sentence. My crime? Well it's simply cause I exist...  This is control. This is evil. You already asking me where I can take my rectanglar stupid lil box. **** I hate this box! Why don't I deserve to be wanted and valued? I treat you good and watch your back. Do I not deserve the same in return? I pay half the bills here and none of my friends can use the bathroom, take a shower or do laundry but all of your can? How is that fair? Or maybe I should just accept that you don't care and you never thought of us as friends just a come up, a lick. Maybe we were never friends. Maybe just I thought of us that way. Your taking advantage of me and I'm just supposed to sit here silently freezing in this stupid, small, rectangular box. You know I'm cold and you have two empty rooms. I offered you more money to rent one but you just ignore me. It's insanely cold at night. Last night was bad. I had to beg my dog to cuddle with me so I could get warm. You know how cold it is but you don't care. I hate this stupid, small, rectangular box! And I'm beginning to hate you too! You are cruel and not my friend. You use me. You abuse me mentally and emotionally. You are not a good person and will never have my respect and friendship again. Lesson learned. *******!


L. Mack

1/17/2022

Suppose To Be

Thought we'd grow old together, make memories and bicker back and forth like siblings do. Watch each others children grow. Attend graduations, weddings and births. Lean on each other through the deaths and tragedies. Camping in our favorite spots, playing hide and seek in the dark. Wild car rides with music blasting. I thought I'd have a lifetime of your unforgetable onory grin and big brother bear hugs. That was how it was suppose to be. Today I reflect on our childhood together. There are some good memories there. I followed you anywhere and wanted to be just like you. Jump ahead to when we both had families. Makes me smile thinking of our children playing together. You asked me to accept your wife and love her like a sister. Guess what brother, I still do. I sure do miss you. But most of all I miss how life was suppose to be.

  L. Mack
   6/7/18
    In memory of my brother
      Lance Mack
        3/18/67 - 6/7/06

I want to thank you for raising me.
I know you could have pushed me to the side,
And did things like all the other kids did.

I want to thank you for practicing wrestling moves on me.
It taught me how to defend myself.
That's why the streets didn't conquer me.

I want to thank you stepping in and taking moms place,
When I was scared and had nightmares.
You were always there to fight off my demons.

I want to thank you for teaching me,
How to open our hidden Christmas presents,
And wrapping them back up,
Without mom knowing we did.

I want to thank you for loving me unconditionally.
When I was sure no one else would.
You were always there when I felt lost and alone.

I want to thank you for standing between Dad and me.
And taking a punch in the face.
Sporting a ****** grin as your teeth slid across the floor.

I want to thank you for being so ornery.
It made life fun and interesting.
And gave me a bark along with my bite.

I want to thank you for all the times I wanted to die,
But you demanded that I live.
You never gave up on me.

I want to thank you for telling me when I was wrong,
Instead of looking the other way.
I learned accountability was mandatory.

I want to thank you for your big brother hugs,
When life felt too heavy,
And every breath felt overwhelming.

I want to thank you for not only being my brother,
But also being my parent, teacher, hero and friend.
Lessons in old school, morals and values.

I want to thank you for all the laughter you gave me.
On my good and bad days.
With it we got through all life's speed bumps.

Big brother thank you for all you taught me.
I love and miss you.
I'll see you again one day.

   L. Mack
      3/27/24

****, here we go again...
I know this all too well.  
I don't want to do this.
I can't watch you destroy yourself again.
I'm trapped in this bitter hell,
This unforgiving prison.
With no hope of being set free.
These are your choices,
But we both pay the consequences.
This cross is to much to bare.
Paralyzed with anxiety,
Heartbroken and shattered,
Greif strickened,
Drowning with fear,
Mourning you,
As you wither away.
There nothing I can do to save you,
All I can do is watch as you play on the train tracks,
Screaming "get off the tracks a train is coming!"
You laugh " I got this. I know what I'm doing."
Difiant, stubborn and cocky...
He is so much like me.
I have to protect him from the train.
I join him on those tracks again.
Knowing there nothing I can do.
I can't save him.
He thinks he knows it all.
And the train is coming soon.
It's the most helpless feeling ever,
Living on the train tracks to hell.


       L. Mack

           2/12/24

True Unconditional Love

Sitting on my porch this morning.
Thinking bout all You have done for me.
I close my eyes,
And picture the spikes going through Your hands,
Then Your feet.
A vision of Your blood dripping down Your face,
I can almost hear Your cries.
A shutter goes up my spine as I choke back the tears.
My mind warns me to leave this place,
But my heart says,
No stay here and feel His pain.
Stay here.
This is true unconditional love,
And everything you seek.
Stay here.
This is grace.

L. Mack
6/30/16

Undefeated

Battles on,
Come on bring it.
Fear I will not,
My God is undefeated.
Evil surrounds me,
When I am weakest.
Satan yells "You'll never make it!
Misfit you are mine!
No doubt about it!
Your gonna fail,
Why even try?"
I tune him out,
No I won't listen.
I hear a gentle whisper
"My dear child,
I am your Father,
Fear no evil,
For I am with you,
Every second,
every minute,
every day.
You are forgiven.
I gave you grace and My mercy.
I am the Light,
I conquer darkness.
Stay by My side.
Do not wonder.
Be not afraid,
Just follow Me."
So here we,
here we...
Go, go, go, go, go....
Battles on,
Come on bring it.
Fear I will not,
My God is UNDEFEATED!
Evil surrounds me,
When I am weakest.
Fear I will not.
My Fathers with me.
So come on,
Bring it.
My Gods UNDEFEATED!

L. Mack
01/03/15

Warrior Within


I met childhood cancer face to face.
This disease gives no grace.
Although it tried with all its might,
It could not dim this beauty's light.
God stamped her with a trademark grin,
That draws many in to be her friend.
Spunky, ornery, and oh so very sweet,
To watch her was quite a treat.
Her soul is much wiser then her mine.
Her eyes reassure me everything will be fine.
There's a brave warrior within,
This battle she and God will win.

L. Mack

9/18/18

I need to know.
I deserve to know.
It's made me insane,
All these years to not know why.
48 long, drawn out, unbearable years entirely alone.
Anyone that stayed in my life stayed to rob me or ruin me.
Why does everyone deserve someone but me?
Everyone has someone.
Someone they can trust
Someone they can talk to.
Someone that loves them.
Everyone but me.
Sure i have my children but they are grown and have enough weight of their own.
And Im not talking about a relationship.
**** relationships.
Life done taught me i'm not worthy.
Or God not sure which it is.
But neither likes me or want anything good for me.
I just need to understand why I've never really been wanted or needed for that matter.
What did I do?
I'm not a horrible person.
Even pedophiles have someone.
Family or a friend someone.
Family didn't want me from the beginning and hated me for existing.
Friends take advantage of me til there is nothing left to take.
Then the abandon me.
What did I do?
People say we'll you've always got God.
And I thought I did.
His betrayal cut the deepest.
And I found out my greatest fear was true.
Nobody has ever and will never want me.
I don't belong anywhere.
And no one claims me.
What did I do?


   L. Mack
        7/10/22

What if this is just me?
What if this is just who I am?
What if this is who I will always be?
What if I'm never going to fit into life's little box?
What if I'm happier this way?
What if this is what makes me feel free?
What if Im sane, kind and wise this way?
What if I feel like I don't have to be a chameleon anymore?
What if my depression have faded?
What if my anxiety has dwindled?
What if my PTSD has stopped haunting me?
What if this is just who I am and what I am?
What if this is who I want to be?
What if you couldn't accept that and we continued to lose precious time?
What if your missing out on amazing memories we could've made?
What if you never stop missing me and your heart continues to ache?
What if you chose to accept me the way I am?

What if?



Lori Mack

9/22/2022

Most of the time,
There's a wrestling match inside of me.
"Come one and all,
Watch this historical event,
Time to put your bets in.
Will the untamed, crazy, black sheep Scary Larry win?
Or will the indecisive, shy, awkward Lori Mack win?
Who knows but it's guaranteed to be an eventful show.
So grab a drink and some popcorn and pull a chair up.
It's bound to bring a full house.
​​​​​They will have all of you laughing so hard you'll wet your pants."

*This program is brought to you by a crazed mind,
Who has been locked up,
Due to pandemic,
Way too long.
Insanity was the route she took.😜

Lori Mack
3/14/2021