Everyone wants this sad sob story
Like some sort of excuse
for the way I feel.

And I'm sorry that I can't give you that.
Because the saddest thing that has happened to me
hasn't really happened to me.

So I don't know why I'm so upset.
I have no reason to
Other than the fact
that only ****** people exist.

And I too am in existence.

So who the **** is gonna pity
Some ****** person like myself.

For every action
There is an opposite, equal
Reaction.

That's what the chemists say,
But I promise I'm no scientist
And I, too, believe in this.

Every time you win,
Someone else loses.

Every new child brought into this world,
Another one exits.

And every angel that whispers encouragements,
A devil tells you even in hell you couldn't do it.

I know what Its like to want to die.
How It hurts to smile.
How you try to fit In but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside,
Because you're trying to **** the thing on the Inside.

I smoked a cigarette once,
Twice
Maybe three times.

I do not crave one now,
Even when I have nothing else to crave.
But,
Sometimes I wish I did,
Perhaps then I would know what it was like to need something, someone.

I smoked a cigarette once,
Twice,
Maybe three times.
And I wish that I never had.

so I brought my writer wife
(prominently pregnant)
to the hospital
and on her bed, she screamed:
"weren't" "hasn't" "couldn't" "shan't"
"aint" "hadn't" "you're" "isn't"
"aren't" "didn't" "wasn't"
"who's?" "what's?" "he's" "she's"

The doctors were confounded
and they turned to me and they said:
"What the hell is she doing?"

And I replied with double speed
and a violent sense of urgency:
*"Don't you know?
She's having contractions -
she's a writer"

(Warning: The following poem is a tale of horror)
_______________

1
E­at your food
pleaded the mom

Or else what?
shouted the stubborn child

Please eat your food
entreated the grandma

Or else what?
screamed the ungrateful child

Or else, said the father
the barber will come in when we are out
and he'll snip off your fingers


2
And true enough, one evening
when all the adults were out
a barber appeared before the child
and he said: Eat your food

Or else what? shouted the brat of a child

And when the adults returned that night
they found ten little fingers
all neatly displayed on the dining table

so there is this queue, see
and the man in the suit feels
someone behind
kneading his shoulders, back and neck
and he turns around
and asks the man behind:
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

and the man behind replies:
"I'm a chiropractor,  see
and I'm trying to keep in practice while waiting"

and the man in the suit says:
*"Well, I happen to  be a lawyer -
and you don't see me ******* the man
in front of me, do you?"

there’s a rat and there’s a cat
both sitting on the fence
(literally on the fence -
cats and rats don't take up positions on issues)

and a boy happens to pass by;
the rat turns to the cat
but says nothing cause rats don’t talk;
the cat turns to the rat
and eats the rat
cause it’s in its nature to do so

the boy walks past
with no idea what’s happening
cause he’s human
(though they talk and eat a lot,
humans have no idea what’s happening)