Really wish I could enjoy                                                                    
a lovely sunny day again.                                                                  
It  often hurts and burns my eyes,                                                  
last summer it was so painful                                                              
   hid behind my sunglasses                                                              
   and rarely went outside.                                                                      
   became a bit reclusive                                                            
stayed in my flat a lot of the time                                                      
  I always found it difficult to  socialize                                          
  and get tired in the day                                          
taking naps in the afternoon
when I could at the time;
I have prescription light sensitive                                              
shades now and they work much better                                      
can absorb some of the sun's rays
without hurting me too much                                                        
and be able to maintain
my sleep cycle better at night                          
I still get some disturbances  in the night  
and I have to hide in a darker room at times
in the day to rest my sensitive, sleepy eyes and
recharge my batteries so I don't get too tired                                    
  it can be difficult to focus when your eyes are
  constantly burning                                
normal sounds are even magnified  too              
I have to wear headphones to help me navigate  
when travelling in the busy streets                                                  
as noises are super loud                                                                  
   my sleeping patterns have always been so erratic at night
    would often feel really hyper at half 3 am  
    must be down to all those late night drinking sessions
    and parties in my youth.
I'm also very creative minded and my mind won't shut up
it prefers to wake me up at night.
I always wondered why I always preferred the dark over the light
as it was always calmer and quieter and I can think much better.
Its almost if I have became a bat lady over the years
down to these random patterns in my life.  
I always had a fascination with vampires and gothic stories
so things do make sense to me
just wish I didn't have to live this way all the time
can't wait for my light sensitive treatment to be given to me
so I can be more tolerate to the sun and day light regain my
eye sight and hearing enjoy my outings and times with my friends and family without any horrible pain and dizzy spells
be a lady of the day instead a lady of night again.  
I'm a summer baby too being born in  the month of July
I absolutely adore the sun and want to go to the beach
and feel that calm, crisp air and make sandcastles with my little girl
maybe this year it will be the year to do all this
and break the horrible spell of photophobia
so I can be feel more normal again
and not be a bat lady of the night.

I feel my ADHD was a mental defect from birth
but was triggered down to never settling
or staying in one place and never fitting in Life.
I hate moving house.
I crave things to stay the same for a very long while.
As a kid I moved to a lot of different places
and never really could ever see it as my home
where I truly belong.        
                                      
I feel ADHD is a mental defect
where you don't really feel you ever fit in.
Even with the way I looked
I didn't feel or look right to other girls
I felt like an alien compared to them in my class.  
I felt inferior to them
with low self confidence in my body image.

I never even fit in when it came to the work place
and chasing my career path.
I got taught many courses and skills
I did quite well and always tried my hardest  
I was never really was what they were looking for in an interview
I never got any progression to any of the next stages
I felt always rejected!
I was covering the same ground
when really I just wanted to move forward
and follow my dreams.    
      
Relationships were even more confusing and awkward for me
when I thought I was the guy main priority
and I was just second or third on a list  
I hate that feeling!
I don't like being treated as second and third best
as I won't settle for anything less.     
                                               
All these confusions along with suffering trauma
and alcohol abuse bound to take its toll on me
even now I'm living with confusion
I'm working with a lot of people to give Sophie Rose a good life having to deal with lots of different personalities and names of people which can be difficult to remember.

I like the idea of support but don't like too many people involved in mine and Sophie life down to Sophie mental health
as one day this will create more questions for her
and make her grow up confused and unstable.
I want her to have a normal life mine and my partners life it might be just a bit too late for us both
but she's young and she's a clean slate and got her life ahead of her.

However I will be able to help her as I been through
rough patches in life so will be best to guide her
and make sure she makes the right decisions
so she can be a success and not a life loser which I was heading towards at one point. I'm redeeming myself for all those bad choices I made in my early 20s by being the best mummy I can be and being a good person I can be to support my friends, partner and family.

People working with me keep mentioning about moving house and it will be a while before this happens as I feel the area I live in is great and be good for Sophie to feel she has got a home that she feels she fits in and a family that loves her dearly and wants the best for her.

I never really always got that feeling myself when growing up
I really do want the best for my daughter.
That way she will grow up stable, happy and full of life then I know I'm not a failure and tried my absolute best to change and better my life to help her life and be the best mother regardless of all the bad things that have happened to me and my partner there is always something to be blessed for.

I feel lucky to have finally met the right man, have a beautiful daughter and have a great support network and family which have been keeping me strong through all this.

Wish people would learn to listen and take me more seriously
my brain feels I'm constantly walking on a tightrope;
climbing a ladder high up and this is just when dealing
with the normal errands of the day
that people take for granted.
Anxious thoughts often keep me awake
noises in the night from my daughter and
noises can easily disturb
my sleep cycle makes it so difficult for me
to fall asleep again wish the noises and thoughts                      

would just be quiet and all shut up at least                                          
at night that way I can get a decent kip                                        
and I feel good for once
I do wish I wasn't experiencing
any physical pains in my eyes
it wakes me up most nights too
the pain constantly feel like being punched in the face                  
and my brain feels drained and numb at times
it drives me nuts when the eyes feel so sore,
and fill up with water
this happens most afternoons
when the day light is at its brightest
if you see this happen to me then
no I'm not in fact crying
just that my eyes are in fact burning
down to being sensitive to bright light
the ADHD medication makes
me feel a little less sensitive
I often have to rest my eyes
ever so often in a darker room
through out the day otherwise
I get blurry vision and the constant pains
rear their ugly head
it can be agony and make me feel tired.
I often catch up on my rest
when I am able to                                                               ­             
its never a decent deep sleep cycle
I haven't slept like that in over 10 years
and forgotten what it felt like
getting a little better it
it will take time and I will recover.
Being told that "it is all in my head" even
by the very people who should really know me better  
really upsets me more
its like people don't believe what I am saying
and dismiss what I am going through
they don't see me every day
and don't see or experience the suffering
so its easier to dismiss and identify
as not being real.  
Its got to be something imaginary
or its "all in my head"  
This is in fact very real to me
it affects my daily life every day
even just to go outside walking in the park
in the sunshine with my daughter is difficult
I still do this walk half hour a day but I
miss those times where I can see properly
and wasn't in so much pain
its an invisible illness
it affects the nerve connections
in my eyes, ears, nose and face
other people can't see or experience
the pain for themselves
so often dismiss everything.  
I don't give up so easy
trying my hardest to get the                                                              ­
right support I need in place
so I can be the best mummy                                                            ­  
I can be and enjoy my life                                                             ­       
I have to learn to deal with
all this the best I can    
I put a smile on my face                                                             ­   
and get on with life
please learn to take
what I'm saying                                            
more seriously though
and know that
Its not "all just in my head"                                                    
just because you are not experiencing                                              
it or are seeing the struggles for yourself                                
doesn't mean the pain                                                             ­               
  I'm going through every day  
   is not in fact real;                                                                  ­           
and you should never                                                            ­            
make me feel that way;                                                             ­       
all that does is                                                               ­           
makes me feel so sad and alone.

All my prayers were answered
when my doctor finally wrote the
letter to the neurology team
this week after being rejected by them twice
in one year my persistence to get myself
feeling better is finally paying off
the optcians, pharmacy and adhd team
have all been equally amazing and have all
supported me as well as my family,
daughter and partner too through
these tough times.  
My pineal cyst symptoms
have been more extreme
in the last 9 months to the point
where I get migraines
most days, really sensitive
to lights in the room or outside
which can make my eye lids
spasm and my eyes will even burn a bit
even wearing light sensitive glasses
if sunlight enters them too which
is an horrible experience.  
I wear light sensitive glasses
to deal with these unpleasant
feelings; hoping to get some pain relief medication which will help treat the face, brain and eye pain's as this really really hell
I'm much more sensitive to smells
and even normal sounds can be more maginified
and intense which can overwhelms me
and trigger tremors or shaky hands
I often have to wear headphones just to alleviate the pain's
I get from the noise levels around me
and the constant tinnitus I experience in my ears a lot of the time.
I always hear a random humming and buzzing sound
it follows me around and don't always
hear too well when people are speaking
to me hoping to get an earing aid which will
help with this issue once I worked it all out
with the specialist team.

I also can not stand hot / cold weather
and my face and eyes will ache,  get brain
fog and feel a lot of pain through out the day;
I keep going with everything though and have
a very positive attitude through it all;
it won't beat me but I do experience some
good / bad days it makes my brain
feel constantly numb and just tired
from fragmented sleep which
I'm really hoping to sort
this all out  
its best to stay positive
and keep trying just hoping I don't have
to wait too much longer for my treatment.

I really don't want it to get any worst
as it makes my life much more difficult;
I know there isn't a cure
I want to do the best I can
for my little girl,
and get myself feeling better again
my prayers have finally been answered
and I'm happy there is some hope
and reason to smile  just hope I
don't have to wait for too long.

After researching about the pineal cyst
in my brain. I have finally have answers
to the identity crisis I was experiencing
over the last 15 years.

The pineal cyst was in fact responsible
for my gender confusion
same as the depo injection which caused me more
my issues to worsen and it was all
simply through hormone changes;

It would often increase  Testosterone and this
created minor physical changes which made  
more hair grow than usual on my legs
and sometimes the hair would even grow
on my chin my mum would have to
pluck them with tweezers as a teenager
I would often feel awkward and
embarrassed of my appearance.

It would also cause mental changes
in the brain and would alter the way I would behave
and led me into participating in more
masculine interests and activities
it would make me more more aggressive  
and made my fiery tempers worst.

The hormone changes were so very quick
in the brain causing the confusion,
it even distorted the way I perceived my body image
and would always make me feel like an alien
that never felt comfortable in its own skin.
I never really felt I fit into any category;  
there was times where I would talk, behave and dress
very feminine and then there were times
where I looked in the mirror
and the pretty dress I wore a day a go
didn't look or feel right
I would often have a change in clothing
a few days later nd wear more jeans and band t-shirts.
I even wore male clothing in town
so I could blend in and feel more safe
not be targeted sexually by men
who would often make funny and rude gestures
which made my skin crawl.  

I fell in love more with wearing an more uniform / neutral
style of clothing like suits and trousers;
I did secretly like wearing my school uniform
as a teenager it would often make me feel more comfortable
I didn't ever feel male or female in puberty
just saw myself as Kim and sometimes
would even address myself more in a more third person
rather than an he or she the older I got
as I was often confused in the direction
I was taking and didn't know
what gender I really was I have learned
over the years to accept this is me
and it will never change.    

I didn't think it would be even
possible in my life time to ever have a child
with my bad lifestyle and hormone problems
I was so happy when it did happen
and for a very good reason
it helped me to sort my life out for the better.

Being called mummy however felt alien
at first I have now fully
accepted this name and role for me
in Life and it no longer feels strange.  
I will tell Sophie as she grows older when she's a teenager what I have been dealing with over the years
its best to be honest with your kids
and have no secrets.
I have always been honest with my other half
from the start of our relationship
and I want Sophie to grow up
being more open minded
and have some awareness
of gender and body image
she can then appreciate and find her own
identity in Life too.

I will always be there for her
regardless of her choices I will teach her
to think carefully first before making
any important Life decisions that
you can never change again

At one point it felt weird being called
a man or woman;
I don't mind now being called by any of these pronouns
I will respond to being called either of them;  
my main preference however would be
for people to simply if in doubt call me
by my first name Kim or Kimmy.

My way to deal with my identity
issues or (dual identity) as I call it
is not in fact to ever reject
or ignore these feelings;
this causes more depression
and alienation in the brain
to get the right moral
support in place.  

Talking therapy really helps break the
identity barriers down so I don't feel alone
and to simply take notice of these feelings
and dress more how I'm feeling  for the day
sometimes it might just enough
to satisfy these feelings / hormone changes;

One day I will feel comfortable with my identity  
for now that's the way I will overcome this issue. ​
this might make me quirky and strange
to other people but I am just being me.

I would take pictures
of myself on facebook but I would rarely ever wear a smile.


I would not take selfies not for attention and not for love from any love else.


They were just daily reminders  and the cruel reality was that I have always hated the way I looked.


I obsessed over my weight and thought if I did look skinnier that I would look great.

A  few times in my life I had to face my inner battle head on
it has won me an few times in my life.


At certain points in my life I rejected eating and enjoying my food.

All the fat comments took my joy of eating away, they were  
so vile and rude.

Being shouted at in the street and called the fat loser.  

In this period of my life I had an year of self hatered and defeat.

The eating issue was hard to beat.  
I would get triggered
if anyone mentioned anything relating to my weight if it was just another joke.


The echo of the rude comments
would stand out in my brain
repeating the same rude line.
"Your a fat loser"

Even when people in my family
said I was looking fine and were more concerned about my health.

The voice in my head would keep shouting that these are all lies.

I said to people around me
please do not keep mentioning
about my weight and just talk
about other topics.

Dont keep feeding the hate that is already there when there are plenty of things out than just talking about my weight.


It only magnifies the issue of the ED
and this makes it tougher to fight inside my mind.

I have accepted my ED and dealt
with some of my inner pain
that is only half the battle, in my own head I must learn to accept and love my body, be happier and eat more regularly without feeling any dread, guilt and remorse.


Love my self, ignore the haters and horrible cruel comments that have always stood out in my mind.

The comments and thoughts
are always going to be there
but I now I know I really dont care as much about this  
and to not let it control my life.


The rude people in the street
might have won the battle at the time
for a short while
but they never won the whole war over me.

I have choose now to accept my fate, eat again and be more health. Learning to love myself again and that is the final score.

It has been a whole decade since 2012
the year that I will always remember;
not for the mad claims that the world would end,
for me it near enough did well in my head
and rather fill me with dread and fear,  
I stopped sleeping so well at night,
I would get horrible frights.
This was the year things went wrong;
I was so young at the time only 21 and I had just suffered ****** abuse for the first time; I was in denial, angry and confused for such a long time;
I started being a heavy alcohol drinker,
to help me to forget the horror and sleep at night;
it never really helped and the dreams
were too vivid and real to erase.  
I was running away from my problems,
at the same time felt trapped and no where else to go.
I almost failed my degree that year I was given
another chance to redeem myself
and graduated with a decent 2.2 in 2013
the damage had already begun.

However other than graduating Uni there
was some positivity in 2012.  
I met some great creative people who really opened my heart
to new experiences started doing poetry open mic
I met my now soul mate for the first time
we didn't connect romantically to begin with
we did both exchanged smiles
and have now been together for 4 years
with a 3 year old child;
we didn't connect for a good while after 2012:
we did find each other again  on social media
and the love from there has really grown:
before this could all happen
someone else came into my life first,
the guy was a troubled soul and we weren't
the best for each other pushing each other
often on the wrong path
we were better as good friends
and that's what me and him should have been
we were always having a laugh;
he loved to play drums,
I love to write but I loved listening to music too
I wanted his band to do well and play gigs
taking an active interest and filming their band practices.  
Things got in the way and took an u turn for the worst
and didn't go always go as planned,
with not knowing what to do next  
he just took the destructive path
same as me as I didn't know where I was
going with my life  anymore too.

I was struggling to find a job;
no one would give me that chance;
in an job interview I was socially awkward
and different to a lot of other people;
I was confused where I
would fit in the workplace.
I had some identity and trauma issues
which had clouded my judgement
and were affecting my logical thinking
at the time; now in the last 10 years
my thinking has been much more clear
down to quitting alcohol, finding my soul mate
and being a mum to Sophie and I'm now on the ADHD meds
which I wished I had been on sooner as they really
help to improve my life every day for the better
things have equally been a lot harder.  

I have finally sorted out my ****** trauma
and no longer running away in denial
instead confronted the man that did it to me
and removed him out of my life forever
the bad memories no longer controls my life.
I can now sleep a bit better at night.  
Sleep is something I am having to work on
but I am getting a bit better at it every day  

I worked out some of my identity issues in my head too
and accepting as difficult as things can be
that things are what they are  but I have
the moral support I need.

I have no idea of any career path yet,
just working towards my life calling and goal of
being the best mummy I can be and
learning my life skills, budgeting, cooking poetry, coloring  
and singing for the time being.

I'm sure there would be work out there foe me  
with the right support and encouragement in place
when I can finally figure it all out in my head
for now I'm really happy the way things are.


I've given up alcohol, sugary drinks and coffee  
and now eating and drinking more healthily too.  
Dispite having health issues over the last 2 years,
with my cyst and having to go
for a op for pre cancer treatment.  
I told everyone it was never anyone's fault
even those partially that felt guilty and responsible
a lot of these were just my bad choices in life.  
I have to accept some responsibility
and live with some of the consequences.

I can say now I am recovering and will get better again
the main thing is I can tell everyone that
I'm a survivor and doing the best I can.

I still have lots of passion in me
I can tell my tale and want to help people
that have gone through this kind of hell.

I  am me and now free from
the curse which was 2012.