The pandemic striked fear into my heart;
it hit me hard from the very start.
The prime minister announcing different
rules nearly every day;
near enough everyone has a different say
divisions caused all down to this,
who is right? and who is wrong?
and how long exactly will this go on?
The pandemic turned me into an anxious wreak
hearing about the rule changes
and constant death.
Not knowing when I will be able see my favourite people again;
and staying inside my flat a lot of the time;
as most places were closed.
After having a year of this being mostly the same
then everything had changed again
death figures decreased
we could all meet up which was really great
I did however found it difficult to socialize
and take it all in what I had been experiencing.
Little by little I am getting better
not so anxious, fearful and paranoid
more my outgoing and sociable
self wanting to see people again
it will just take a little time to break
the spell or that barrier down as I recover through
what was to be the pandemic paranoia.

Bullies are weak;
they pick on the quiet,
eccentric and meek:
There are many forms of bullying out there:
they all hurt equally,
it can be verbal, ******, jealously, discrimination,
and physical aggression.
All forms are unjust and unfair,
usually picking on people that look
and behave in a strange way;
just to make them feel stronger
or happier in some way.
The best way to deal with bullying
is to ignore what they say
and generally walk away.
I hate people calling me names;
I have never been cruel or caused
anyone pain or at least never intentionally;
I hate people dissing me for wearing support aids
all I'm trying to do is live life the best I can;
what gives other people the right
to stare me out, laugh and be horrible to me;
I really can't stand people dissing my weight
I had issues with my body before
so don't get the point for people to diss and slate
when I'm just having a walk outside with my daughter
enjoying a meal out with my family and not causing any harm.
Bullying is so weak but it hurts;
there is nothing I can do;
I am me and I do feel proud to be me.
I did shut down a few times;
I felt threatened and intimidated
a few times to the point I didn't want to out anywhere;
by doing that though I let the bullies win:
not listening to all the negativity anymore,
still dealing with paranoia and anxiety every day
in my head but getting stronger in every way
and will get there in the end.

I know that my eye sight
affects my ability to read and write.
I can't stand the sunlight / lights being on them;
it makes me feel poorly and bad
you know what this
will not make me feel sad.
The eye spasm's are a huge pain;
things haven't been the same.
The eye pains wake me up and disturb my sleep
but it does not make me weep.
I refuse to let it get me down;
and life will get better and good again;
just by learning to do things I enjoy
singing, coloring and getting
out my notepad and pen.  
Writing puts my life to right;
its about learning to adapt to
problems in life and learn to fight.
I was so happy to get my new light sensitive glasses
from the optcians this doesn't
fix my eye sight but protects it
makes it easier to read, write and edit,
it will be another year before
I can go into performing.
will take a while but worth the wait
as I got hearing problems
to sort out too then I can follow
people's conversations, appreciate songs and
not feel so lost in my Life.  
I still got a good brain left;
excellent family support, a lovely daughter
and other half too.  
Even when things around me seem a little worst;
I tell myself just be patient, this is your year.  
its worth the wait never give on your dreams;
no matter how difficult life seems.
Try your hardest every day
and you always find your way.

Being the strong woman is being able to stand up
what you know is right
not being the constant  victim of abuse;
walking away from nasty threats,
being able to wear what you want without feeling victimised
in any way I did occasionally loved to wear dresses
but I didn't want the invitation  or excuse for random men
to use this against me so I wore male clothing in town to blend in.  
To be able to remove people that cause nothing but stress;  
saying NO if you don't want to be approached in any way inappropriate; which some cases I never wanted in the first place:
not being able to be communicate or in some cases just being scared to fight as you don't want to go through all the trouble of being in court.  Being autistic I have always found it all too confusing
I don't get all these hidden social cues;  
when I say lets go for a coffee and a chat
I mean just a coffee and chat as a friend
its not in any way a hidden meaning for you to initiate ***.  

Finally as a 31 year old autistic woman I am starting finding my feet:
saying goodbye to all the nasty men in my life who
used and took advantage of me,
its sometimes for the best walk away from the abuse
just to move forward  
be the strong woman you know who you are
the main thing is never to blame yourself
never get resentful or upset
life is about learning from your mistakes
and never do them again.

I  really want to be able to enjoy listening to my music;
most of the time all I hear is just loud static
noisy background sounds which
keep getting in the way;
its no fun when the music you listening to
is interrupted by pointless sounds outside
or the flat above me.
I often can not see good either;
I try really hard to focus my sight;
my eyes are often disrupted by
the bright lights surrounding it
which makes my eyes quite sore.
I often wear sunglasses to alleviate this problem,
I really can't wait for the day
where I won't need them anymore.
I will be able to see the beauty of nature
and appreciate the sunshine.  
These are things people often
take for granted
but are things I adore.    
I really want to be able to hear
the lovely voices of my friends
be able to finally keep up
have a laugh and a decent conversation.  
I can only hear fragments of what they are saying;
but I do my best to understand,
and believe me when I say this
I'm really not that dumb as I appear  
with ADHD my mind is
racing at a million miles a hour;
I'm in charge of maintaining its engine;
and I have to keep up with this every day,  
slowing it down so I can steer it on course
and not keep crashing.  
I do wish I could turn off this engine
for a minute and stay still in the moment.
Learn to be calm in stressful situations
and well just relax
direct my energy and
thoughts in some order;
have full belief in myself
that I can do well and be good at things.
its not fully achievable just yet
It'll take a lot of time and practice
as long as I have to passion to keep learning  
with the right level of medication  
maybe one day this will be reality
and not just a dream in my head.

When I got the bad news a month a go
that there was a chance I could have gotten
Cancer if I had left it any longer.
The nurse had given me a smear test
I had no clue:
I just knew I didn't feel that well
at the end of last year
start of this one.
They told me I have some
precancerous cells and now
I'm my first treatment this week is due.
If I hadn't gone for that smear test
I wouldn't have known and it could have gotten
worst for me that was a huge  shock to my system!


Its been a whirlwind of a month
since my first examination results
only last year I was diagnosed
with a brain cyst
thought I got through
the worst of that
sadly deep down I just knew
something was still very wrong with my health;
I kept pursuing the doctors and investigated it over the year
and only now we're finding out I am needing
my first treatment this week:
its very early stages ****** cancer
but you never think
this is going to happen to you.


I just froze inside when I read the letter
I didn't know how to think or feel.
Life has always been a tough ride for me:
I realize all the pain I went through
now I am learning to love me more
and I am staying true to myself.
I realize I just lost my passion
over the years;  getting over constant
heart ache, mental abuse and feeling the pain
and sadness inside my head
as I found it difficult to show
my emotions on the outside.


Drinking ***** just to numb
and make me forget all the bad
you know what I never really did:
it always lingered and stayed with me.
Facing negative remarks, trauma and alcoholism.
I met some lovely souls along the way
but some horrible ones too. I constantly
was held back of what I wanted to do
had nasty people saying
you will never amount to anything
or you can't do that.


Taking advantage of my kindness and leaving me high and dry
you know what I am really better than this;
I am not even angry or sad anymore at the bad people
just want to settle the scores straight.
I made some bad mistakes in the past.
I'm already suffering for this now
paying the price with the pain
I am feeling
hopefully this won't last.


I feel scared inside but I am no coward
I am a fighter all the way and a survivor too
I know I will recover from this ordeal
and come out stronger and better than ever.
I have still a lot of fight in me
and a lot to learn and discover
and chasing my dreams
no longer letting people
push into the gutter as I did before.


I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter
and feel this is my main purpose in Life
to be the best mummy I can be to her
and not let her down.
I want her to do well;
avoid all the things that
sadly got in my way in Life.
If I was just a bit stronger
said no and stood up for myself more
I would have pulled through;
I have a new calling now in Life.
I just want to see my daughter grow up
make sure she finds someone that genuinely
wants to be there for her and cares and loves her
the same way her daddy feels for me.


I hope to see her grown up
and for her to have kids too.
I am very blessed to have
such lovely family, partner, daughter
and know amazing health care professional people
working on my side with a bit of treatment
will help me to recover
give me hope and strength
to do the best I can to be there
and always protect
my little gem of an daughter,
who was born in the time of the angels 11.11.
She was sent from the Heaven's to guide me
and be the best I can through my Life.


I am also very fortunate of course
to have a loving partner by my side
who stood by me from the start of our daughter's Life.
He makes me laugh
I have learnt a lot from him
we learn new things about each other all the time.


In this ordeal I will not give up
the fight and keep
trying my best
and for all those dear spirits I have lost
in the last few years will keep on smiling.

Sue was reading a raunchy magazine in bed; ted was cuddling up to her and watching telly
sue: "have you ever thought about trying some role play"
Ted: " what kind?"
Sue: "not the anime kind if that's what your thinking how about we just swap clothes - I wear what you wear and I'll be ted for the whole day and you wear what I'm wearing and be sue"
Ted: "Yeah we could try that sure sounds fun"
Sue: "brilliant I will leave you one of my dresses, some make up  and we will swap clothes for the whole day.

Sure enough the next day Sue left a note before she went to work on Ted's bed with a box. It had some of her lipstick, some eye shadow also a lovely floral dress for Ted to try while she was at work. It was a perfect size 14 fit; Ted prepared his make up the way sue usually did every morning and was surprised by the very person who was staring at him in the he mirror his once chiselled masculine features were now more delicate and feminine He shaved his beard off and even went as far as shaving his legs as instructed by her. He felt more excited as the day went on his **** growing in size he smelt sue's ******* they were fresh but there was a whiff of sue still in them when he put them over his **** he started to rub his **** up and down over her ******* then put on her fish net tights and finally her high heel shoes.

He secretly had fantasies of doing this  as a teenager but he often too scared of getting caught out by his mum. He got as far as trying on her make up wearing her perfume and trying on her tights and when she asked if he had seen them he said came up with an excuse they were lost in the washing machine.

Sue came back from work wearing Ted's shirt, his boxer briefs and trousers smelling of his lynx body spray. She even went as far as buying
a beard to reenact the role play of being Ted for the day it was very convincing and she looked how he looked there in another suitcase also stood a huge plastic ***** shaped perfectly as a ****

"Ted  " you know where that is going don't you"
"Sue "Yes I can't wait"

The transformations were complete Sue now as Ted started to caress sue kissing her neck and licking her ear lobes she gave out a shriek of delight speaking more in her most feminine voice. Ted then went down on her ******* her **** she felt hard as rock she could feel his breath warm and moist in full ******* motion; in this form Ted's short arms felt they grew longer and were more sturdy started to rub her **** up and down she gave out a squeal and *** more than what she usually did.  
Finally ted soaked sue's ******* in baby oil: give it a little cheeky lick before equipping his ***** **** into sue's ****. Sue held her breath for a few seconds as he pushed it in with some good throbbing movements she gave out a huge yelp and could then feel the ecstasy of *** spilling out
"Ted - wasn't that fun know you can go back to the way you was any time"
"Sue - Yeah I did enjoy it too will definitely do it again.