is the anticipation always better?

it's odd how we decide that we need another
person
to fuse together
by the lips
by the body
there is no other purpose
than to feel excitement
We know nothing, minds and bodies completely foreign
except to the idea of shared beauty
to the possibility of fitting together
like the threads of the duvet I am lying under
maybe someday you will sleep next to me
but for now I will think of you across the street

my chest aches
but i know my struggle
is not unique or important
it is one of self pity
for too long i have made myself sick
why do i never learn
the more i live the more i trip over my feet

my thoughts are heavy, booming like thunder
but when i speak my words fall out like cake crumbs
airy, pointless, forgetful
do they see me as dumb and powerless like i feel?

everything i do is an effort to distract
from what i cannot say out loud
i live in a honey world
surrounded by sappy sweetness
but i cannot breathe or move through it
to connect with those around me

this world tells us to go to the bedroom
but i want to follow you to the park
i cannot see your face ahead of me
but your eyes are my two round worlds
and i know they are sparkling
you reach back for my hand
and pull me into you
sharing warmth between clothes
and as the sun kisses us goodbye
our lips take its place

i think you wanted the same things as me

i laughed when you looked at me
averting my eyes
i turn to laughter when i am shy
it is my shield
i have yet to find my sword
even in my dreams i do not have the courage
and even in my dreams
you are but a figure of beauty
out of my reach

i stare at my window, not out
there is a difference
i am not seeing the world outside
there are are so many places i could be
but i am here, dreadfully
a prisoner to myself