Onetime, I hit rock bottom
but it wasn't really rocky at all
it was actually pretty soft
it felt like my bed
in the middle of a messy room
that went unnoticed
because there was nothing
to provoke me to care
there was no feeling
soft was just a sensation, no emotion involved
I could've been laying on a rock
but it would've just given my nerves
a different pattern of stimulation
it would've just been another irrelevant reality
separate from me.
The phrase was coined "rock bottom" to scare people away
because feeling nothing is worse than feeling a rock
bludgeon your body
because when you feel nothing there is no reason
to ever come back to the surface
and live.

At the dinner party, she is there
and he has to take extra care
to focus his eyes on his fiancee
he has to use all the strength he can conger up
just to keep those eyes
on the fabric of her dress,
distract himself with the the details
the stitching on her sweater
Because his entire being is begging his eyes
to shift a little to the right
and look onto the woman with the huge smile
and chandelier eyes
he wants to watch the movement
of her beautiful milk chocolate hair
and listen to her laugh
oh how he loves her laugh
the way her eyes scrunch up
and her cheeks blush
the sound is so satisfying there are no words
when he hears her laugh at his bad jokes
she makes him feel like he is worth something
she listens to him when no one else will
she is his little angel
but no one can ever know
**** it, his eyes are transfixed on her again...

i am surrounded by beauty
that should overwhelm my soul
by sleepy sunlight
and wispy air that carries dainty secrets
to the clouds
by a perfect children's book sky
and flowers in colors so fluid
i fear if touched
they would leave wet paint on my fingertips
the sounds of summer
are in reach of my breath
and yet
i am pale and cold
and i fear each coming day
like the plague.

(and the colors are slowly greying and hardening beneath my hands)

With an aching in my heart
I miss Paris
I fell in love with the freedom
of a new city without boundaries
and the almost overwhelming beauty
flavors that melted my previous palette
sights so drenched in detail
looking down a single street
was the same as taking in an entire novel
new sounds that excited my nerves
and gave me a never ending buzz
I am forever attached to the feelings I felt
but sadly the city of love cannot love me back
I am simply an alien who wandered
onto her luscious soils with my foreign feet
and she only had a moment's chance
to recognize my presence
which most likely went unnoticed
but still I'll love her forever
and maybe someday I'll stay long enough
for her to throw her arms around me

-kk

there are two people in my psyche
a passionate girl
who loves to explore, create, discover
and wants to open herself up to others
and a paranoid, stubborn, confused child
who tugs at the girl's hair
and reminds her of what to fear.

I want to go to a record store with you
we can spend the little money we have left
on The Smiths, The Rolling Stones, The Who, Pink Floyd
for an hour or two we can be angsty teens in the 80s
who drink cheap beer and steal our parents cars
lets pretend were running away
from home, from school, from everything we know
I wanna lay on the floor of your apartment
put a record on the turntable and hear that sweet crackle
we'll listen to what we've bought
and pretend we're watching the stars through the ceiling
they'll dance to the beat like a laser show in our eyes
while mind blowing guitar riffs and drum beats fill our spirits

-kk