I can't remember
If I told you I loved you
The first time we had ***
But knowing me,
I probably did
My fingernails digging into your back
Your face in my neck
I most likely whispered it into your ear
Said it softly but loud enough for you to hear
I said I love you
Like it could make you stay
Like it meant mutuality
Thinking that maybe the lack of space between us
Could hypnotize you into believing
That you loved me too
A part of me certain that the air particles
Could somehow sew us together
And that the inevitable reality
Lingering in the background
Could never detach us
Convinced myself
That we were an atom in pure form
Incapable of being split apart when we were this close together

***
Is not synonymous with feeling
I knew this to begin with
Love and lust
Like oil and water
Can be separated with ease
Television and movies
Trained me in the art of one night stands
But I never intended to have you for one night
I didn't wanted you for a week
I wanted you for the amount of time
Where we forget how long it's been
Memorizing every single one our limbs
Ribcage
Arm
Hands
Skin
Then ******* the demons out of each other
To rectify our sins
Making love until we have no recollection
Of who we were before we learned each other's bodies
We were nobody
Before the conquer of this foreign territory
I wanted to surrender
From the moment we touched
But making love is so similar to make believe
That it gets hard
To tell the difference sometimes

When I slept next to you on your couch
My back pressing into the ridged corners of the sharpness
It was not out of convenience
It was out of purpose
Believing that withstanding the ache
Would show you how much I cared
Forgetting that your heart
Belonged to someone with a different name
In different city
Yet every night you still called my body home
Coming back to it repeatedly
Like a drunken wanderer
I thought if you did enough times
You would never want to leave
I convinced myself
That letting you **** me
Was one step closer
To getting you to stay

***
Is not synonymous with permanence
We should have never done it to begin with
Knowing quite well you were here
With the intention of temporary
I talked myself into your skin
Thought if I wrapped myself in it
Deeply enough
You would do the same
To me
My body
Was nothing more than a grave yard
For you to hide your secrets in
No treasure,
No gold

I buried my love for you
Into the curve
Of your collarbone
I bet it would still be there
If you looked for it
But I know
You wont.

I quit being okay with this
I quit feeling like I can't breathe
and hiding everything that's real to me
it's my choice right?
to throw in the towel
and just forget it
to just be me
I just want to be with me
no one sees that
cause everyone just wants
what feels good to them
and I don't want to feel good to anyone
anymore
I don't feel good anymore
I just want to be a friend
to a friend
who knows how to be a friend to me
because my heart is heavy
how could you know
when you've never held it
it's heavier than ever
and my chest wasn't built for it
and how could you know
if I don't speak of it
I never speak
and I want everything
but i can't get a thing
silently
acting like this
soon no one will want it
and who am i kidding
i'm left kissing the inside of this door
i keep *slamming

I see it
It's on their faces
All of 'em
This shadow
Like some sort of indifference
Built out of hurt and pain and loneliness
Like they're so tired of fighting that they just gave up
"This is reality" they say
Yea, I see it
Don't think you can fool me
And there's a lot I could say
You know, to them, to myself, or to God
A lot of words that attempt to heal
A lot of prayers that attempt to reveal
A lot of...wrestling...that attempts to understand the brokenness of our condition and how God fits into all of it
But lately I've only been able to think of one thing
One single question that wells up inside whenever I begin to feel overwhelmed by the comprehension of the depth to which you have sunk your teeth

How dare you?

I see her
She's laying it all before me
Her heart
Her emotions
All her past
All her brokenness
Her father who used to chase her all over the house
Call her all sorts of horrible names
Totally RUINING her sense of self worth!
And now, she doesn't know what to believe or what to say or how to say it or what to pray or what to do or what to choose or how to love or when to love or if to love at all and all I can say is

How dare you?
Are you not aware?

And I see him
He's caught up in himself
So misguided by the failures of those involved in his life that he built a wall TEN MILES THICK around his heart, locked it, swallowed the key and never looked back cuz he's so **** sure there's nothin' left to see and all I can say is

How dare you?
Do you not know?

Oh and I see him
Sitting right across from me all full of lies and blasphemy
The things he says only ever amounting to full blown hypocrisy
I see him
So full of anger, hatred and hurt that I don't even know where to begin
The web is so thick it's BLACK
And you say it's hopeless, and I feel helpless, and all I can say is

How dare you?
Can you not see?

Oh, and I FEEL it!
That voice!
Insipid and subtle
So confident and slithering and leaving no room for rebuttal
Give UP it says
You're not capable and they're not worth it!
Your faith is invalid cuz it contradicts all the others
Your heart is too filthy and your soul is too shredded!
You're gonna fail!  Because you always fail you failing, miserable failure!
And all I can say is

How dare you?
Do you not know?
Can you not see?
Are you not aware?

Get to tremblin', beast.
For we are the children of the living God.