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 Dec 2017 khaipanda
ryn
Puzzle
 Dec 2017 khaipanda
ryn
I don’t expect
people to ask.
And I don’t hope
for others to
understand.


I’m a puzzle
only I can solve.




Actually no,
I can’t.

.
 Nov 2017 khaipanda
ryn
Normal
 Nov 2017 khaipanda
ryn
Uncomfortable within this skin.
My joints complain
and muscles scream.

But people say, "It's normal.
It's more common than you think."


My mind in shambles.
Ideas incoherent
and thought processes
sluggish at best.

But people say, "It's normal.
It's more common than you think."


My emotions are in
total disarray.
I'm not happy
yet I'm not anything at all.

But people say, "It's normal.
It's more common than you think."


My insides twisting,
splitting.
Every grain and fibre
set on fire.

But people say, "It's normal.
It's more common than you think."


If this is normal,
I'm petrified with
the prospect of
what isn't.
 Nov 2017 khaipanda
ryn
Courage
 Nov 2017 khaipanda
ryn
I consumed a small
vial of courage today.

And it got me out of my mind,
my aches
and my bed.

It got me showered,
dressed
and out the door.

It helped me on the bus,
through the rumble of
the exhausted engine.
It deflected the stares from eyes
who seemingly judged.

It placed me at work.
Fuelled me through
the sledgehammer ticks
that echo never ending seconds.

And I eventually find myself home...

So I consumed a small
vial of courage today.
And I'm brave enough
to admit that I'm afraid.

Afraid that I may be running out.
 Nov 2017 khaipanda
ryn
Greed
 Nov 2017 khaipanda
ryn
If
  happiness
    was
      a
        cake,


I
  guess
    it
 ­     wasn't
        large
          enough
            to
       ­       go
                around.


Either
  that
    or
      so­me
        had
          been
            too
              greed­y.
 Nov 2017 khaipanda
ryn
Unjudged
 Nov 2017 khaipanda
ryn
You don't see my eyes...
They look away whilst my cheeks
with a band worn thin,
hold up this mask.

With effortless ease,
I maintain this smile
plastered upon the sheen
of cheap mouldable plastic.

Fooling others
with a face acceptable by default,
when my neck and collar
stain wet.

Protected and hidden
are my innermost thoughts
and emotions - a morbid
sense of oneness and freedom.

I, therefore, cannot shed
such an accoutrement.
This mask - a fort I will hold and
a bastion, I will not compromise.

Because behind it I feel safe, hidden
and unjudged.
 Sep 2016 khaipanda
ryn
My teacher once asked
a short simple question.
She had asked,
"What do you want to be?"
Raised arms answered her query.
Open palms each belonging to excitable children.

Wide little eyes looked up at her.
Hands began to flail in the air...
Ever so hopeful of being chosen.
So that they could voice their aspirations.
So that they could begin to share.

One by one,
they each was given the opportunity.
Turn by turn,
boastful were some
while others spoke quiet and shyly.

Then the teacher stopped short.
Not before expressing her delight.
She was in awe of such young minds...
Having had such great wings
to eventually take flight.

Then she explained...
What she had initially meant.
Confused looks all around including me.
She rephrased the question,
"What kind of person...
Do you want to be?"


There was silence.
No arms shot up to meet the subject.
I don't recall having raised mine,
but I remember telling the teacher...
An answer (I was confident), she wouldn't expect.

I stood at my desk,
proud and tall...
And told the teacher
that I wished to be a person...
Well loved by all.

She smiled and I did too.
I felt it was a good answer.
She nodded to signal for me to take my seat again.
She paused before speaking,
and not a moment later.

She said,
"That would be nice.
To be loved by all.
But that's close to impossible.
A big wish for someone so small."


I had heard her words clearly...
However I didn't understand.
My brows furrowed...
And I was deep in thought...
Still I couldn't comprehend.

28 years later...
Here I sit,
looking back to that time in the past.
How time flies...
It simply ticked away...
All too fast.

Till just then I was still that boy...
Who tried hard to please.
I wanted to prove that it wasn't impossible.
You can be loved by everyone,
and you can do it with ease.

But now I have learnt.
Now I have found meaning
and understanding in my teacher's wisdom.
It took me a while but...
I know now...
That wishes and reality don't work in tandem.

You can choose to care and love,
everyone you see.
But to expect everyone to love you the same...
Is sheer
impossibility.
.
You can't please everyone in life.
When you work around people, you're bound to step on some toes...
Whether intentionally or not.

Dedicated to my primary school teacher
and all the teachers out there. A tad early but...
Happy Teachers Day.
.
My eyes are mine...
For me to pick
The ones that are worthy
For them to see

My ears are mine...
For me to sift out
The ones that are music
For them to enjoy the harmony

My words are mine...
For me to choose
The ones that are trustworthy
For them to speak of a heartfelt story

My life is mine...
For me to decide
Everything

My heart is mine...
For me to keep
Whoever I want to have in there
You cannot control it
We are all our own person, an individual. Accept and  understand, period.
 Sep 2016 khaipanda
Nite
Her
 Sep 2016 khaipanda
Nite
Her
Standing at the edge,
staring down at the water
You step into the empty air
Before your courage could falter

You plunge into the icy depths
Strong, merciless currents try to drag you under,
Lungs starting to burn, you try to reach the surface,
Strength begin to dwindle as you realise your blunder

As the cold embrace of the water
Beckons you to its watery grave
You begin to wonder why you thought
Fighting the currents alone was being strong and brave.

Your final thoughts
As the last vestiges of air escapes your cold, chattering lips
Are of the people who love you
And how you let their faith in you slip through your fingertips

You start to close your eyes
Ready to meet your demise
Death waiting in the darkness
With promises of sweet release in the land of nothingness

Pain blossomed in your head
With a start you begin to flail
Till your fingers find purchase
And thoughts of survival began to prevail

You hauled your battered body up
Marvelling at the log that was your saviour
And with short, sharp, gasping intakes of breath,
The icy, clean, lifesaving air your lungs greedily savour

Miserable and cold you hung onto the log
As your eyes begin to shut once more
You shuddered at your naivety
Of how you nearly drowned and thought you were done for

With a start you wake.....
It dawned on you that you're neither wet, on a log on a raging river nor alone
You turn to look at her face, peaceful in sleep
The log you were holding onto in your dream, as you should always have known,

**Is her.
No matter how strong you think you are alone, you'll never be stronger than when you have someone who's willing to walk with you in your times of trouble.
 Sep 2016 khaipanda
ryn
Relief
 Sep 2016 khaipanda
ryn
You can't find relief...
In reasons non existent;
In predicaments ill-explained.

There's no relief.
In trying to peer over towering walls.
With feet on tiptoes,
and necks sorely craned.

Relief isn't found...
In wishing upon droplets
that explode as they meet the ground.
Everytime it thundered,
and then rained.

Relief is in the trove
when the heart lets go.
To acknowledge the error,
to move on...
And commit fully to the lesson gained.
 Jul 2016 khaipanda
ryn
Clover
 Jul 2016 khaipanda
ryn
Saw a single clover...
Peeking out from the crack in the wall.
All alone... With no other.
Shivering in the wind.
Still it braved the unknown.
Just to see...
What was shown.

Touched the single clover.
So much courage within something so small,
so green and frail.
Standing tall in the torrential gale.
So much I could take and learn from it.
I shall make it my daily inspiration.
I shall leave it be.
So that on my daily walk back,
it could say to me,
"I'm still here, you are too.
Let's keep on, keeping on,
till our days are through."


On my walk back today,
I have looked forward to see the clover I've learnt to adore.
Only to find that it had gone missing...
It just wasn't there anymore.
The crack was vacant...
I looked all around.
I finally looked down...
And there it was on the ground.
A twisted corpse of what once was...
The storm earlier had ripped it off its perch.
The winds had overcome and left it in the lurch.
Grounded and defenceless,
It quickly became the target of many footsteps
belonging to people too oblivious.

The clover is dead.
But it's still so green.
As I looked at it,
I imagined what it would have said,
"Keep on, keeping on.
You won't truly know...
You won't really learn...
And life won't show,
if you get too afraid of the storm.
And then you won't grow.
Stick your head out
and never be too scared...
To see and be a part of the wonders of the world
that the universe has infinitely shared."


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