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8.9k · Nov 2015
The Losers and The Dreamers
Kelsey Nov 2015
My mother was
a first generation lesbian.
My father,
a first generation divorcee.
His father was the one child
of a public school teacher.
He found my grandmother at 18.
A farm child, one of seven.
A painter, a baker.
My mother's father
a single boy to three sisters.
His aggressive masculinity
kept the line clear and thick.
He found my mother's mother at 17.
A middle of seven Pentecostal children.
A beauty queen, an agoraphobic.
Each had five children.
The door-to-door salesmen/
homemaker and mother of boys duo
bet it all to open a hobby shop.
They were by far the poorest of the
watermelon farming siblings.
They were artists and explorers.
The high school graduate and ladies man,
was a logger before a father.
And the single mother of 25 he left
scarcely left her home at all.
Neither pair made it big.
But they made my father.
A lonely, post middle aged man.
The poorest of his brothers.
A used to be pilot,
and could have been teacher,
a want to be pioneer.
A nuclear family super fan
who never got his way.
And they made my mother.
A nervous, eccentric hippie
who doesn't know how to talk to her siblings.
A woman working her *** off to excel at lower middle class.
A builder, a fighter, a **** good mother.
Even if accidentally so.
She has plans to travel.
He has dreams to live by a lake.
And they made me.
A single girl among three boys.
A quirky, nervous tomboy.
A thinker, a gardener, a climber.
A loser and a dreamer by blood.
2.1k · Aug 2014
My brother
Kelsey Aug 2014
My brother and I
don't talk anymore.
Not even if we run into each other
at a party.
With him ****** and me very drunk.
A hello is as far as it goes.
We pass each other silently
in the corridors of my home.
Things are different
slowly but suddenly.
We used to walk the halls of the school
holding hands,
even up until seventh grade.
Well he was in sixth.
Everyone told us they were so jealous,
best friends and family.
We planned to grow up
and have houses with adjoining yards.
We would share a pool.
But my brother died two years ago.
Now even if I try I am disappointed.
Want to go on a walk?
His eyes stare blankly ahead at the computer.
When sharing the kitchen space,
Do you remember that time
we broke the tire swing?
Not really he mumbles
with the slam of the fridge door
as he slips out of the room.
He'll come out of this.
People tell me all the time.
I don't really think
people come back from the dead.
Yet, every day I find myself
checking his features for signs of life.
1.7k · Jul 2015
I Met God in a Bookstore
Kelsey Jul 2015
It's not as special as it sounds.
Although the title is exact.
I met the creator of the universe
In the dusty isle of discount mystery novels.
Had I not immediately known it was God
I would have profiled him a ****** predator.
Late middle aged and unshaven.
You're probably wondering but don't ask me.
I just knew, and you would to.
I asked him if he owned the place.
He said no, that he was the manager
To this tiny, tucked away bookstore.
He appeared to be an unhappy, lonely man.
There was a combination of comfort
And disappointment in this.
"Is there something you want to ask me?"
Of course there was.
"Why do you do this to all of us?"
He examined his fingernails
Pushing back his cuticals.
I could see the yellow of wax in his ears.
"I found myself existing.
Just the same way that you did."
He started with a sigh.
"I didn't understand,
and I'm still not sure I do.
Why do you live the way you do?
I was created and I try to make
the best of it just like you.
You see, I'm still trying to figure it all out.
I fail and I succeed.
I like to think I'm getting better."
Kelsey Dec 2015
I wish I had leukemia,
because then at least
I could explain
while I'm always so tired,
and sick, and moody.
And no one would say
"She's not even trying to get better."
or "She did this to herself."
it would be CANCER.
And then I could die
and people would just cry
instead of saying things like
"She didn't even ask for help."
or "It wasn't even that bad."
At least if I had leukemia
I would be allowed to hurt
and maybe I wouldn't feel
like such **** about it.
1.0k · Apr 2017
No Parachutes
Kelsey Apr 2017
Grandpa's dead
we get his shed.
Mom says we'll load
it in the truck.
Maple helicopter seeds
spin down gracefully
but his plane; no such luck.
The sun too goes down
while mother's brothers frown
and she leads the sorting crew.
On a tin roof I watch
while hunched adults haul
in hay field three feet tall.
Where Gramp's plane fell
dad prays he's resting well
but I think Mom thinks
he's in hell.
1.0k · Nov 2015
Superstitious Autophobic
Kelsey Nov 2015
When I first fell in love with you
I wrote everything down.
Every word you said, everything we did.
Every place you took or touched me.
I knew that when I lost interest in recording
It would be because I was losing interest in you.
But here four years later,
you have me entertained.
And you gave me a puppy for my birthday.
A little mix breed that I named after your sister.
I convinced myself that when the dog ran away
you would be on her heels leaving me.
But that pup has been gone for three years,
and here you are with me.
And you gave me four red rubber bands
from the produce section of your part time job
to the daily wear on my wrist.
I knew that when they snapped
our love would wither with them.
But the last one died two years ago,
and you just brought home new ones.
And I used to write your name
on the rubber sole of my shoes.
I told myself that as it faded
your interest in me would follow suit.
But last year the rain finally got the best of it,
and now we kind of live together.
So I found a kitten in a trashcan
a flea invested bag of bones.
This was the one
I felt certain.
I would love him and try to heal him
but he would die,
and then you'd be gone too.
But the **** cat he got better
he got big, he got strong, and he loves me.
And looking at him today I think maybe I was right.
He is the perfect metaphor for me and you.
Kelsey May 2015
Not that anyone cares
Kelsey cut class again.
Probably out getting high
With her new stupid friends.

Not that anyone cares
But Kelsey likes to break glass.
She writes on the walls
And she’s waiting for the crash.

Not that anyone cares
But Kelsey snuck out her window,
Out to smash mailboxes
And let herself go.

Not that anyone cares
But Kelsey doesn't do well in school
She’s not perfect like them.
No straight A’s for this girl.

Not that anyone cares
No one listens to her, she’s not even there.
So go for it kid get drunk.
Life isn’t fair.

Not that anyone cares
But she’s always on the run.
Stop saying she’s like them
Her life has barely even begun.

Not that anyone cares,
But Kelsey is all alone.
She’s completely her own person.
Not even close to Regan’s clone.

Not that anyone cares,
But Kelsey cries every night.
She has terrible dreams
And just existing is a fight.

And not that you’ll listen
But she hates her life
And you can’t fix her with words.
So don’t waste your time.
Something I scratched down a few years ago when I was feeling a little different than I usually feel these days.
794 · May 2016
Homeless Homesteads
Kelsey May 2016
Since we moved
There are scattered pieces.
The fallout from explosions.
Pieces of us all
I'm little bits all around us.
Some left behind as well.
A photo of brother sledding
Tucked in the pages of
My algebra book.
Some pink rocks from the fish tank
In the driveway of their new home.
A box of children's toys
In the closet of a dorm.
Displaced and then misplaced.
Six people match the maddness.
We're not moving, we're just leaving.
771 · Oct 2014
The Pile of Broken Hearts
Kelsey Oct 2014
Two worlds divided
By a line of sun and rain.
One world filled with laughter,
The other filled with pain.
One world filled with people
Who used to matter most
The other filled with sorrow
and gently weeping ghosts.
A little girl with scars
Sits on the line of gray
Trying to decide
to live in sun or rain.
Her old family weeping,
They miss her touch.
Her new world glowing,
Shining in the sun.
The broken hearts follow her,
And she can't run away.
She is stuck in the sadness.
She is stuck in the gray.
She doesn't want to lose them,
But the sun is so bright.
The other world is cold,
and the wind cuts like a knife.
The young scarred girl must choose
Which world to be a part
The land of sun and gold,
Or the pile of broken hearts.
Finding poems from being fourteen
745 · Dec 2016
Bunk Bed Brothers
Kelsey Dec 2016
I was woken for years
from dreams it was raining.
I swear I found
a drop or two,
I know there's no explaining.
Dreams of ocean storms
or drippy jungle tents
I once woke with a wet forehead.
I know it makes no sense!
It wasn't until a few years later
I caught my brother saying,
It's kind of funny now
he thought it was raining.
As I climbed into bed each night
I ignored what mother said.
I never peed before I slept,
and so I wet the bed.
740 · Jan 2015
My Beautiful Flower
Kelsey Jan 2015
There's a beautiful flower
at the end of my yard.
Purple or red
depending on the sun.
My flower is made of steel,
but it breaks like glass.
My flower is rusty
and covered in dirt.
She's bent in her middle,
My beautiful flower.
Her leaves brown and wilted.
She's just at the end of the yard.
I never walk to see her
for fear she'll run away.
My flower she is perfect.
She is filled with misunderstanding.
I never get to close
she doesn't want me near anyway.
My gorgeous flora,
she grew out of mud.
I never touch her.
Her dried up dying petals.
She doesn't need me.
My beautiful flower.
This is an old one I acme across today.
Kelsey Nov 2014
We sat in the back of the room.
English 201.
There were five of us,
but a max of four at a time.
They spoke a lot.
Raising their hands,
or speaking out of turn
to protest the ignorant proclamation of classmates.
We sat in the back.
Feet propped up, books closed.
Backing each other up on our rants.
I never spoke.
I'll never know how they knew
I was one of them.
621 · Feb 2016
The Purple House
Kelsey Feb 2016
She was the big dream we all shared.
We snuck in through the windows
and walked through the rooms.
Each claiming one for our selves
or describing how we could use another.
We would lay on the carpet,
playing cards, telling stories,
or most commonly planning.
Planning where the garden would be.
Imagining what the summer nights
would be like with the stars and
the lights from the front porch.
Mixed with the warm air
and the boys playing basketball
in front of the garage.
Maybe we would get a dog.
We would have to refinish the basement.
I wonder if the dishwasher works?
We would be so happy here!
Was said at least once every visit.
Then eventually we would line up
to slide back out the portal we had entered.
Back to being seventeen.
Back to being poor,
back to the trailer for me.
Back to their grandma's for others.
But this quirky, empty house
slowly being engulfed by the earth
she was all  of us.
Purple walls with blue cat prints.
Pentagonal windows knee high on the walls.
Abandoned, weird, but special,
this one dream we all shared.
619 · Jun 2016
Losing Your Shit: A Mantra
Kelsey Jun 2016
How many times
Do you have to repeat
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
Curled on the shower floor
Before you admit that you're not?
610 · Sep 2015
Cat Piss Nostalgia
Kelsey Sep 2015
His name was really Billy.
I'm not changing that for the story.
His name was Billy Jones,
and we hated him.
He was the fattest kid
in the sixth grade class.
He claimed his cat peed on him
right before he got on the bus,
so that he didn't have time to change.
But he smelled that way all the time.
His Metallica t-shirts were riddled with holes
and they were too large even for him.
Billy did not look like anyone else in the class.
On top of it all he was too shy to defend himself.
His meekness made him embarrassed in place of angry.
And I hated him.
To my core I hated him.
I watched him suffer in front of me.
I saw the way my classmates laughed.
I knew to be with Billy was to be with dirt.
So I hated him.
To hate him was to belong.
I extended no arm of sympathy.
The teacher's poked fun at him as well.
He did not belong with us.
Then one day he was gone.
Moved away.
And the wrinkles he had created
in our conservative, small town
middle school smoothed.
Everyone looked the same again,
and we didn't have to look at
the ugly angles of life anymore.
Some grew up and never had to again.
I adopted a cat recently.
568 · Sep 2014
I dreamt of Rain
Kelsey Sep 2014
Last night I dreamt of thunder storms
Lightning, hail, and rain.
I dreamt of people screaming and
The somber rattling of chains
In my dream I saw my death
The absence of ever breathing life
I saw hardship and simplicity
In my never ending strife.
I dreamt of un-measurable beauty
And the evils of this earth
I never longed for anything.
Nothing I valued had worth
I dreamt of life long journeys
But never took a step
I dreamt of rainy Sundays
And floors that needed swept
Last night I dreamt of crying
And death before a chance
Last night I dreamt of laughter
And young love’s silent glance.
I dreamt of what could be,
And what I’d never see again.
I fraternized with enemies,
And hated all of my friends.
I ran into the woods
Bare feet and solemn eyes
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! I screamed,
With my eyes trained on the sky
Last night I dreamt of blood
And death and beauty and pain
Last night I dreamt of summer.
Last night I dreamt of rain.
553 · Nov 2014
Fight or Flight
Kelsey Nov 2014
I used to run the streets at night
Because I couldn't scream
And I wouldn't fight.
Some times it's too hard
To act polite.
So I'd slip out the door,
And sprint street lights.
543 · Oct 2014
The Rules Parents Make
Kelsey Oct 2014
Its strange,
The rules parents make.
"Why is the cup this size?"
I ask,
"if you are only supposed to fill it
halfway with detergent?"
"The full cup is for rich people."
This policy seemed to be true for a lot of things.
Everything is reusable.
I learned this over time.
Although,
after an excited phone call
and a new work wardrobe.
When washing the plastic forks we used for dinner
my mother laughed,
"you don't wash plastic forks."
As though this had been the rule always.
Its strange,
all these new rules
she seemed to know all along.
518 · Sep 2014
Execution of Ego
Kelsey Sep 2014
I spent the fourteenth summer of my life begging.
In the aisles of the supermarket
I found I needed to be the mother of a cactus,
My own mother said plants were a bigger responsibility
Than one would first assume.
In the overwhelming bustle of the summer fair,
I decided I needed to become a parent to a baby rabbit.
My mother warned me that I could not handle the responsibility.
I became the proud owner of both,
Pouring every ounce of myself into each.
But, I seemed to have mismatched ideologies on water.
The cactus drowned,
And the rabbit dried up.
My mother was right.
A lot of things died that day.
509 · Apr 2015
Thirteen Weeks of Katie
Kelsey Apr 2015
"We are sort of best friends I guess."
"Yeah, we totally are."
"Totally."
"This is all happening really fast."
"You're ******."
"No, I never am."

A brief summary of
every conversation
we ever stammered through.
Besides the awkward first
I love you's
and the last good byes of the evening.
No preference or preconceived ideas.
Always as honest as we were brave enough to be.
Tirelessly battling the quirks that piggyback
a friendship in fast forward.
A terminal one at that.

"Do you think I'm weird?"
"You are what you are."
And somehow there are a million
stories I want to tell.
******* Boonville,
and Demon Bri,
and getting dishes with Minnie Mouse.
How did all of this happen?
We never even had the time.

"I'm going to be alone here."
"You'll find someone."
"I want you."
Hardly even a poem, more of a rant.
509 · Jan 2016
My Cousin's Wedding
Kelsey Jan 2016
This day stays mostly in flashes.
A snap of a white dress,
My beautiful cousin laughing in it.
A glimpse of a sunset,
magically cliche as it sank into the lake.
A brief wave of white Christmas lights,
and barefooted dancing on wood floors.
And before even this
there was a walk.
A walk between some kids now past eighteen.
Each with their own wine glass,
though each was sampled by all.
Even Jacob, who is half past fourteen.
And they all shared laughs
as they shared stories,
while they wondered down the crooked path
tucked into the crisp hay field.
And they shared blood
every hour of every day not just that day.
But they could all feel it pumping,
on that evening in October.
509 · Jan 2016
Childhood Bestfriend
Kelsey Jan 2016
Will it **** you
when you get the invite to my wedding
not to be a maid of honor
not to be a bridesmaid
but to sit in the rows in any color dress you choose?
And will it **** you
when my christmas card comes
and I hold a baby you've never met
who has a godmother that you've never met?
And will it **** you
when the internet shows you
that my family has moved,
and I've started a new career,
but you aren't even really sure
what line of work I was in before?
Will it **** you as these years pass
and this title becomes wholey exact?
Or is it okay because
I won't know you either?
491 · Oct 2014
Eyes Taped Shut
Kelsey Oct 2014
With my eyes taped shut
I wondered down the road.
I trampled threw a swamp
and squashed some baby toads.

With my eyes taped shut
I fell down a hill,
I wondered out onto the street
and slipped on some road ****.

With my eyes taped shut
I ran into a tree,
got a broken arm,
and scraped up both my knees.

With my eyes taped shut,
I was finally done.
I peeled of the tape
to see I was back where I'd begun.
490 · Feb 2017
Wasp Christmas Lights
Kelsey Feb 2017
The lights were supposed to be a barrier.
Like salt for a snail,
like the sun for a vampire.
The warm white rope
casting a spell like a mother's womb.
But no no no not here.
A light house beacon and they clamored
like tripod aliens on a crusade.
Leaving my brother shaking as he stands
in plaid boxers with one sock on.
His body weight rests on that foot
the other too vulnerable for touch down.
Are they off me? Are they off me?
He can't stop yelling it,
though I'm pretty sure it was just one.
Its the cold hour of the night
where everything is grim and surreal.
Our skin is pulled tight from our austere faces
and bones poking out.
I am nine and he is eight,
but he's always cried easier.
His clothes had been stripped off so quickly
I know they don't need shaking.
I turn them in, back out, and shake them.
They're off you, brother.
He's embarrased, and wipes his face
as he pulls his shirt down to cover his skinny hips.
Next we shake everything.
A bait and switch and the lights are piled in the corner.
The needle monsters clamor to them as though possessed.
Their radiator humming is unnerving and peaceful.
Teeming is the word to describe it.
Their own Utopia.
They won the war,
we sleep unsoundly, swollen, in the darkness.
Kelsey Dec 2016
Little brown girl
with little brown feet
caked with mud
and tangled in reeds.
Little lovely lady
with callous on her soles
over thorns, and rocks
and hot concrete
only barefoot she would go.
And then one day,
I'm not sure why,
She gave a pair of shoes a try,
and since then there's been a change.
She wished barefoot goodbye.
Now she's shoes in summer.
Shoes in snow.
She's growing up,
shoes let you know.
467 · Sep 2014
Older Means Deader
Kelsey Sep 2014
I seem to be getting older
Every ******* day I am alive.
My mind and body growing,
But with that something dies.

There used to be a demon,
Who slept beneath my bed.
I haven't heard him howl in years.
I know that ******'s dead.

I considered myself and artist.
But now I see the flaws.
I had a pink plastic cell phone,
But now it won't make calls.

The world I lived in,
Was mainly gold and white
But my mind won't stop expanding
Now there's no room for light.

And even as I sit here
writing these ******* rhymes.
I feel childish and ignorant,
Now there another piece has died.
Kelsey May 2016
Four hours left.
That is just two sets of two hours.
Twenty five five-gallon buckets
Up the ladder, on my tiptoes
I dump ice dramatically into the dispenser.
This motion repeats every four hours.
Two sets of two hours.
That is just four one hours.
I change the Pepsi bibs, and break down boxes.
Ignoring my drenched socks from standing water.
I notice there is an orange Gatorade stain on my khaki shorts.
The stench of mold and un-carbonated soda clings to my skin.
I take a deep breath.
Four sets of one hour.
An hour is just sixty minutes.
I mop the floor. Smiling.
Time to lean is time to clean.
An hour is just two sets of thirty minutes.
Thirty minutes.
That is just two sets of fifteen minutes.
Fill cups. “Are you enjoying your day at the park?”
Back in the confines of the station
The roaring fans make conversation impossible.
Never mind that, I work in solitude.
Fifteen minutes is just three sets of five minutes.
Unwavering heat and blinding sun to match.
My arms are tanned brown until just above the elbow.
Polo shirt tucked in, I am allowed one piece of jewelry.
Five minutes is just five sets of sixty seconds.
And a minute goes by in no time.
442 · Apr 2016
We Drowned the Puppies
Kelsey Apr 2016
We had to drown the puppies
Because the mother wouldn't feed them,
Because they had sores and they were bleeding,
Because we could find nothing that would eat them.
Caked in mud not fit for feeding,
Because their mother had stopped cleaning.
Besides we had nowhere we could keep them,
Because there was no one to feed us
And no one to help us clean up
And no one there to teach us
That this burden didn't need us
Or that this shame would never leave us.
That this wasn't ours to fix up.
But we'd been lost in the mix up.
Always waiting to get picked up,
While the trouble only kicked up.
Too heavy for two kids to lift up.
So we had to do it.
We drown the puppies.
440 · Jun 2016
Loving Izzy
Kelsey Jun 2016
Loving Izzy
is so easy
when its easy.
If you're the one
to make her laugh
it fills you
like a breath of clean cedar air.
There are pictures of us laughing.
Our faces pressed together,
our arms and legs tangled.
Laughing until we cried.
It happened. I swear.
And she would fill you up.
From head down to your toes.
You can inhale her smile
and absorb her energy.
She could make any day beautiful.
She was something.
She still is something somewhere.
And loving her was so **** easy,
when things were easy.
What can I say, you were my best friend. And for a long time I felt like it was hard to tell where you ended and I started. I guess that was probably part of the problem.
431 · Mar 2017
Today We Welcome
Kelsey Mar 2017
The President of drowned immigrants.
President elect of white supremacists.
President of "Climate Change is a hoax."
President of the Muslim registry.
President elect of uneducated ignorance.
Commander and Chief of disability impersonations.
President of Plan Parenthood's funeral.
President of Grab em' by the *****.
President of "Taxes are for losers."
President elect of bear infested schools.
President of the United States of America.
429 · May 2015
Kitchen Clock
Kelsey May 2015
The clock in my kitchen is five minutes slow.  
I laugh at it sometimes.
I sit in the rusty metal chair and stare at it;
listening for the sound that proves its short comings.
At the strike of the hour the grandfather clock
in the hall begins to chime.
It is one of those clocks that was
handpicked in the universe
to always have the correct time.
There are not many like this
but there must be a few
to keep our world turning.
My household has lived by this clock for years,
everything revolving around its eternal knowledge.
I laugh at the cheap, battery ran
clock on my kitchen wall.
It is nothing in comparison.
I hear the grandfather clock
beginning his five o’clock strokes.  
I stare at the clock on the wall.
Four forty-five.
  Today I don’t laugh, I cry.
A tiny little story I wrote one afternoon a few years back, that I decided this morning may be better as a poem.
423 · Feb 2017
Useless Love
Kelsey Feb 2017
Hey dad did you know
the chicken we keep
locked in the garage
lays brown eggs
in the dusty stacks
of disregarded things?
Did you know I find every one?
A survivalist Easter hunt
in a salmonella **** shed.
You didn't know because
I never told you, for fear
you'd eat them as a joke,
or worse throw them away.
But you left the door open
and she's gone anyway.

Hey dad did you know
my car broke down on 17th street?
You do because I called you
on your way to church at midnight.
You wished me luck.
You'll pray for me.
You gave me the car,
thank you.

Hey dad did you know
that I once used
your hand made birthday card
to stop the bleeding of a neighbor boy
who thought your Scottish swords were fake?
No you don't because you weren't home.

Hey dad do you realize
you voted against me this year?
I lost my insurance last week.
You do know, but do you care?
You keep saying that you love me.
You yelled at all my races.
Asked for prayers when I had surgery.
Learned the names of all my friends.
Read my poetry when I was 13.

But hey dad did you know
that was never what I needed?

I needed a dad that didn't
have the nerve to joke
about how I made
new families with my dolls,
and friends when I was older.
I needed a dad who instead of
acting like his family was taken from him
kept his together.

And smaller things too.
I needed money for school.
I needed doctor visits.
I need my insurance now, dad.
I needed food, and a dad
who picked me up from school.

And a dad that instead of praying for me
raised me like my life wasn't broken,
raised me like I didn't always owe him.
A rant about losing my insurance.
417 · Dec 2015
We Used to Share a Kitchen.
Kelsey Dec 2015
Mismatched socks and baggy t-shirts
we bumble down the stairs.
We sit Indian style in our chairs.
Mother busies herself between
the table and the stove.
We're having pancakes
shaped like Mickey Mouse.
And we're talking.
She asks about our dreams.
Little brother is four
and he dreamt about race-cars.
She smiles and listens
"What did you dream Garrett?"
The sun shines bright into the kitchen,
he blushes at the attention.
"I can't remember I'm too sleepy."
He' so beautiful,
its all so beautiful.
Then its my turn.
I talk fast and with purpose
I dreamt about trampolines.
Everyone listens
and then we eat pancakes.
Just an average Saturday morning,
family breakfast.
Because we were a family.
413 · Nov 2016
What 14 Feels Like
Kelsey Nov 2016
You asked
What being fourteen felt like.
Well,
It feels like when your teacher drops all of her papers
In the parking lot after school
And it’s windy and you help her pick them up
Chasing down every last one.
And then in class you help her erase the board sometimes.
But still,
When someone plays a prank
Her eyes are on you.
Because your parents are divorced.
And your brother was a troublemaker.
But was he?
He’s been diagnosed,
They call it autism now.
And so you TP her house
Just proving that she’s right
Because after three years in her class
She still can’t spell your name right.
And it’s an easy one.
And then she holds you after class
Because someone stole her stapler
And you’ve never stolen anything
In your whole life
And you don’t know why she’s asking you.
But you do.
So you spray paint her garage
And the whole school knows it’s you.
There aren’t any other suspects.
Because they know that your mom
Doesn’t even believe in God
And they’re pretty sure
You don’t either.
So then you’re standing in her yard
And for some reason the cop that drove you there
Left his lights flashing across the lawn.
And she’s saying things like
I don’t know why this happened.
I’ve always been nice to her.
She needs someone to look out for her.
The adults nod along and she says to you now
If you ever want to come to my house
We can talk or bake cookies and hang out.
And you laugh because you want to cry
Because she’s talking for the cop
As red lights flash across her garage
But you hope she means it.
And you write her a note saying
I’m sorry
And I’d love to come make cookies
But she never writes you back
And she never calls on you in class.
And her son is younger than you
But still he pushes you in the hallways
So you’re even meaner to him.
And now it’s not just her
that knows that you’re a bad kid.
And still sometimes you help her erase the chalkboards.

That’s what being fourteen feels like.
407 · Aug 2014
Invisible Undead
Kelsey Aug 2014
Even when she leaves she stays
Even when she cries she plays
Even when she dies she breathes
Even when she’s blind she sees
Even when she laughs she’s sad
Every bit of good is bad.
Even though she lives she’s died.
Her coward-ness outweighs her pride
She’s full of dreams, though she does not sleep
She does not starve because she does not eat
Her wonderful future, an imaginary friend.
Her life is a game she’ll never win
Her fragile heart, it’s made of steel
Her pain is fake, but ever real.
Every time she breathes she breaks
Every time she gives she takes
And every time she loves she hates.
Even though she’s smart she’s dumb
Even when she feels she’s numb
Every day she lives she dies
She can’t be reached so no one tries
She is wind and nothing more.
She doesn't bleed but always hurts
Her coward-ness outweighs her pride.
From broken heart or broken mind
Her life is dead
But she can’t die.
400 · Jan 2015
Isabella
Kelsey Jan 2015
In the dark of the night
and in the silence of my room
torn between sleep and reality
I often scream at you.
******* its all your fault,
I don't miss you anymore
My brain plays out your part as well
A fight that can't be ignored.
You aren't a special person
I hate that I wasted time on you
Things I'll never say out loud,
Though that doesn't make them untrue.
400 · Apr 2015
Pretend Late Night Talks
Kelsey Apr 2015
They have had separate bedrooms
for the last ten years at least.
But I liked to imagine
that sometimes late at night
their drunken stupor would
leave their lonely minds wondering
and they would tiptoe into the darkened
bedroom of their reticent life partner,
and touch their skin. For the the first time in too long.
And they would lay with their faces together
and whisper, "What the hell are we doing?"
Three adult children, and still children themselves.
And they would laugh instead of scream.
And in the black of three AM
they could be honest with each other.
And every once in a great while
they could remember that they understand each other.

But I don't know that this ever happens.
Maybe they haven't been friends in years.
392 · Sep 2014
The Last Two Words
Kelsey Sep 2014
I can.
Fall True.
Just ******.
A Woman.
I am.
Was wonderful.
The time.
Different things.
Be Holy.
Truly Fascinating.
Not anymore.
Glad too.
I am.
Always different.
So much.
Existing beautifully.

To be.
Is crazy.

Appear strong.
Any less.
I think.
Were true.
So much.
Didn't happen.

The passenger.
How unhealthy.
That way.
Is given.
Very much.
Their heart.
They should.
Life also.
Big decision.

The sky.
You will.
Is right.
To do.
391 · Nov 2017
A Bike for College
Kelsey Nov 2017
My mom said;
You're going to want a bike,
a good one
so it lasts longer.
You'll want a specialized
so you can ride on the road
and the trails.
You want one with lights and mirrors.
She said you want to save
a few hundred dollars.
My mom said;
if you're going to have a bike
you're going to have to take care of it.
Don't let the frame or chain get muddy,
they'll rust.
You have to do touch ups and keep it dry.
That's just part of owning a bike.
She said she found a deal I'd love.
Said she'd drive me there.
Said I need to shop for helmets.
Said I need to buy a rack.
Said before summer's over
I need to get shots, go to the dentist,
visit grandma, write thank you letters, pack my clothes,
and buy a bike.
389 · Dec 2014
No One Won
Kelsey Dec 2014
"Let's have lots of babies
and grow old."
He told her in a card.
Six years before she left
and one before the birth
of her last three children.

"Let's have lot's of babies
and grow old."
He promised her that birthday,
on an over the top card
that clearly showed
the light in which he saw her.

"Let's have lots of babies,
and grow old."
He begged her
as she packed her things,
us along with them.
Leaving him with an empty heart
and empty drawers.

"Let's have lots of babies,
and grow old."
He scrawled in his neatest chicken scratch.
The only thing that left in a drawer
years after she changed her mind.

Or perhaps she always knew,
and the day she took my fathers life
was the first day she quit lying  to herself.
Kelsey May 2015
In my head I saw
the potential life.
The one that included
not just you but I.
You would change
and come with me
and shift and grow
and adjust to being free.
We would explore and create.
I imagined us cooking dinner.
I never said it,
but I couldn't wait.
I liked the thought of us,
both foreign to this place.
Decorating the house,
and learning each others ways.
And these little ideas
they settled comfortably into my brain.
Nothing but snippets of an unspoken plan
that are now nothing but self inflicted pain.
386 · Dec 2015
Imaginary Dresses
Kelsey Dec 2015
If I chose to have you,
I felt you'd be a girl.
You would wear tiny dresses
to cover your fat diapers.
Puffy Christmas dresses
for your first picture with Santa.
Little bows in your hair.
And my family,
God they would love you so much.
They'd buy you little dresses
that you'd scrape in the dirt
as you learned to walk.
Little yellow dresses
for your first day of school.
A tiny wedding dress
when your grandfather gave
you your first communion.
There would be miniature shoes
scattered all over the house.
Grandma would braid your hair,
and you'd have your father's eyes.
And we would have all loved you so much.
I realized late one night.
381 · Jul 2017
Becoming Atheist
Kelsey Jul 2017
Teacher said
when zebra's dead
her brains will rot
out from her head

They have no soul
so dig a hole
God has no time
for beasts and moles

The gates are closed
for hooves and sinners
Must stand up straight
use a fork at dinner

God has no room
for even grass or trees
I guess heaven's full
no need for me.
378 · Dec 2014
The Race
Kelsey Dec 2014
I close my eyes and I feel it.
I open them and I see it.
In the darkness of my dreams I hear it.
The pounding of my heart.
The choking of my lungs.
The screaming of the crowd,
and I run.
My shoes pound the turf,
as my body scales the Earth.
All the while these people determine my worth.
Even worse it's fun,
so I run.
I feel it in my veins.
The irony of this joyous pain.
I live to do it again and again.
This seems to be who I am,
so I run.
361 · Apr 2017
The Way it Was
Kelsey Apr 2017
Three days before you left
you called me beautiful,
which you never do.
One week before you left
you said, I love you so much
its insane.
Three months before you left
we fought about everything
two people could ever think of.
One year before you left
I lay drunk in your arms.
People joked that we were in love
like they always did.
Like we always did.
350 · Feb 2015
Growing up
Kelsey Feb 2015
I am the ninth born
of fourteen Campbells.
The dividing line for most
between the big kids
and the small.
I, the oldest little
led the gang of ***** boys.
Always antagonizing the elders,
until the war was waged.
My cousins they were towers and
being thrown onto their shoulders
was the equivalent of being
launched into outer space.
They could spin us by our ankles,
they could keep us at bay with one arm
and when all of us would gang on one.
That was a triumphant day.
But the battle wouldn't last long.
The adults were always busy.
So I'd head off with my warriors
and we would plan our next attack.
The entertainment of the day,
getting thrown across a room.

Its funny looking at this now,
I am care taker at a preschool.
I'll pick up a child upside down
only to be flocked by eight screaming
"me next me next!"
and I'll laugh as they outnumber me to the ground.

One minute you are climbing the tower.
The next you are that tower falling down.
350 · Jan 2018
A Father's Apology
Kelsey Jan 2018
Honey, when winter comes
your mom will cry a lot.
Because the earth is frozen and dead,
and her body hurts.
She will sleep longer
and grow spindly indoor vegetables.
But sweetie, in the spring
your mom will sing in the kitchen.
She'll take you camping when its too cold,
and kayaking in the rain.
She'll refer to everything as a beautiful lady
and rhyme your name with plants.
Because the earth is pulsing blood again
your mom will dance on the furniture with you.
She'll take you on walks to feel moss
and tree heartbeats.
And baby, in the summer
your mom will yell a lot.
Because its too hot
and she wants to build a tree house for you.
But the yard always needs mowed
and her hands are always swollen.
And the time just passes too fast
that she'll rush like a flooded river.
Then darling in the fall
she'll tell story after story after story
about growing up on dusty trails
and swimming in thunderstorms.
Then when she's quiet
she'll grow too quiet.
She'll rake the leaves though we don't rake.
She'll run her hand along old furniture.
She'll press leaves and say
you're just like so-and-so
when they were small like you.
She'll smile out the window on car rides.
She'll cry at funny movies.
Its important to be patient,
She's a moon with many phases.
350 · Oct 2016
Things Cowards Never Say
Kelsey Oct 2016
Please don't touch me.
You don't love me.
I'm not hungry.
I'm not fine.

I know the answer.
I have a question.
Where is the restroom?
I'm losing my mind.

Please never leave me.
Do you even need me?
This is not what I ordered.
I'm losing my mind.
347 · Oct 2014
Good Bye
Kelsey Oct 2014
Time Stopped
and the world stopped
and I stopped,
Loving you that day.
and you stopped
and you saw
what really made things this way.
346 · Apr 2015
Mismatched Wings
Kelsey Apr 2015
I would color one side
Purple with blue x's
And black circles.
The other would be
Pink and yellow
With two red hearts.
My grandmother would chide,
You're ruining the picture.
Butterflies have mirror wings,
That's what makes them beautiful.
I could never make her see
That mine were the special ones.
And they were beautiful,
Because they were exceptions.
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