Reading your words give me pale frantic sweats,
Like a passion lost and flailing on wooden panels.
Every inkling that reminds me of Fort Myers
Sends me into a panic attack,
Praying that you’ll be okay one day.

Dear future-self,

Don’t fall in love.
Love is only a promise to eventually hurt someone.
Love will hurt you.
Look back at your mistakes,
Look back at today,
Look back at this poem,
What else is there to say?

Dear future-self,

Don’t give your heart.
You won’t get it back,
You will break.
When will you learn?
No matter how much you work,
You won’t get back what you earn.

Dear future-self,

You are ****,
You were always ****,
What makes you think you’re important?
Loved?
*******.
You never listen.
What did I tell you?

Dear future-self,

Don’t fall in love again.

I held your face and told you that I was going to remember this,
Under the warm light of a cool night.
We cried together because we knew we would grow apart,
I was heading to your brother’s house down the road.

The softness of your skin sent shivers down my spine,
I held your cheeks in my hands as your hands clasped over mine.
I brought you in for a sweet kiss,
The morning after wouldn’t be so.

I had breakfast and tea,
I was simply there watching you talk with your friends.
I felt cheated out of time with you,
But you needed time with your friends.
I get that now.
I’m sorry for being so selfish.

You kissed me goodbye,
Said it was going to be the last kiss you ever gave.
I knew that wasn’t possible,
I know someone will come along.
But I’ll hold onto that memory.
Just you and me,
Leaning against my car as I memorize your face,
The last time I felt safe, with you,
On December 11,
Last year.

I sold my soul for pocket change,
I thought it would make me happy.
I betrayed the ones who loved me,
I've always been against them.

I'm destructive to no end,
Drinking until I'm angry.
Gambling until I'm broke.
Screaming at friends until I'm lonely.

I push away anyone who wants to help me,
Their pity parties push down my pride.
Tears are my true friends,
Sore eyes and broken hearts are my allies.

I'd like to think I had a tragic backstory,
Something I could point to or blame.
Though I know the truth,
If my story had ever been tragic,
The problem began with me.

I want to get into a fight and lose.
I want to go to a bar and get rejected.
I want to live on the streets and struggle just to see the next day.
I want to take risks that will be my ultimate downfall.
I want to lose, knowing it can't be worse than this.
I want to feel as bad as my heart aches.

Lost in a vacuum of space.
I reach out but I grasp at air.
My feet dangle in the free fall,
At the mercy a motionless suspension.
Someone once told me these are how dreams are achieved.
I am, however, tempted to panic.

There's only the glimmer of faith that my feet will find solid ground.
I hold onto that faith that sustains me through the seasons of unrest.
Take heart,
It's not over.

This is the Lord's standard procedures.
In order to shape you,
You must be beaten soft.
He gave me the cup,
I might as well drink.
After all,
I take it knowing it just might have a sweet aftertaste.

I can’t draw anything.
Ever since I stopped painting you I seem to have lost my talent.
I spent three hours on a blank canvas trying to find my inspiration.
Bad strokes make out bad lines,
I want to die.
Why do I have to live?
****, this isn’t a poem,
It’s a cry for help.

I wish I could carry your burden,
I want to carry you home.
I wish I could run to your side,
And hold you close.

I loved you despite every imperfection,
Everything.
Even the imperfections that hurt me.
I loved you in spite of it all.
Not because they were good for me,
Not because I got off on them,
I loved you because I needed to learn how to love.

Despite anything you’ve done,
Despite anything you do to me,
Despite any possible reason you have to hate yourself,
I love you regardless of who you are.
I love the things you say and the things that make up who you are.

Before you I didn’t know what it meant to love,
To truly love unconditionally.
I read but didn’t understand,
Was aware but didn’t know,
Was taught but didn’t experience.

You think you’ve caused me more trouble than anything else,
You hate yourself for what you’ve done or who you are.
You didn’t think love existed until we met.

I promise you,
God will bring you to it,
I know it because
Here’s my secret my dearest,
I hate myself too,
But God showed me the way.

Though it’s done,
I’ll take you everywhere I go.
In my heart, So that you will know.

Love is true, a gift from God,
A song of joy, you’ll hum in the winter cold.

This loneliness is just a phase,
My heartstrings align with yours.
We have something others don’t.
Hope, I’ll see you soon.

I will always love you.

Friend of a friend, on the television
You came over the house
In a pretty looking' blouse
Looking around, Humming Joy Division.
You looked so harmless
With your hands in your pockets
Smiling at me
While you laugh in the darkness.

I remember the last time I truly smiled.
I was in the middle of waking up next to you,
You turned around and kissed me with your soft lips.

People complain about morning breath,
But I’ve never experienced it before.
I wish I could have your good morning kisses every day.
The raw taste of you as my arms slowly move along your shapely hips to draw you in.

Carnal desires are by far my biggest weakness.
The thought of what our lives would have been,
Thoughts that slowly **** me.

I’ll keep praying for you,
You want to be alone but you don’t want to be lonely.
We’re not ready,
I wonder if I’ll ever be.

We've shared many goodbyes.
Some that we thought was the end.
We've thought that this was it.
Many tears were shed.
The same hearts broken over and over.

When will our goodbyes mean something?
When will I see you again?
When will we depart from each other?
When will our lips meet again?

I can't help but miss you every day.
You dream of my arms around you again.
I listen for the softness of your voice.
You call and I come.

I can't help but noticed this last time,
Our last words,
We never once said goodbye,
Instead exchanged "I love you's."

Maybe I'm looking too much into it,
Maybe I'm staying far too hopeful. My clothes still smell like you.
My biggest regret is leaving when you asked me to stay.

Sunlight bleeds through misty cloud,
Your love shines through and goes abound.
Your mercy reigns like drops of water,
Your love for me burns all the hotter.

My heart does cry for you aloud,
In you my hope and dreams are found.
The LORD my God's name do I praise,
Dear Christ my king show me your ways.

Selah.

Oh my lovely garnet stone,
How I miss our talks on the phone.
I need to end my misery,
From the damage I sustained from my injury.

Wintergatan is a very sad song,
It makes me think of you all day long.
I was thinking the same thing,
Is anything new? What will today bring?

Whenever I think about 2014,
I think about all that I’ve seen.
Three years of sin I should have known,
You were there all alone.

I write so many poems no one may see,
They stay on my phone,
They are just for me.
This song by myself makes me want to hide,
Wintergatan kills me inside.

She’s the one that you love,
But you can’t have.
So there’s nothing you can do now,
Move on.
Just keep moving on.

Don’t worry,
I know how you feel,
Like you’re dying.
Slowly.
I know.
I feel the exact same way.
I keep thinking:
“This is it,
Tonight is the night,
The night I close my eyes,
And say goodbye to the world.”

I constantly drug myself to sleep,
I don’t want to think these thoughts any longer than I have to.
Maybe one day the drugs will settle in.
Maybe one day it’ll feel just right.
I won’t talk like this because I know you don’t like to hear it,
But I just want you to know,
In your loneliness,
You’re not alone.

There are seven billion people in the world,
For most they have never seen the bluest eyes.
Those of you who have never really appreciated it,
They’re sharp and longing,
The most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

I wish I could stare into them all night.
If you look into them long enough,
If it’s possible,
Because she gets too shy,
You get goosebumps.
You get lost.

She tries to hide,
That just makes any sane person want to comfort her.
All you can do is love,
All you want to do is love.

We drank beers till it got late
Until it got a little early
Talking about things that we hate
We slept on the couch with the tv on
Until everyone got up and we had to go by 8:00
In the van, sleeping in the back
The windows down, opened by a crack.

I climbed in the back of your window
You broke my desk past the APT's curfew
I led you out, we began to shout
"This is the life is about!"
We lost track of time, with $12 Wine
By 4:00 we were totally *******
We carried each other back to your place
We stumbled over the cat sleeping on the carpet
Didn't realize it until it departed,
Out from under our feet right into a fixture
It crashed and broke a bottle of liquor.
I don't care what you think, we know how to have fun,
We make out and drink, until we see the sun,
Retreat to the fire escape to the roof and pass out until 1:00.  

I don't know what I'd do
I don't know what I'd say
Without someone like you
To be in the fray
When I get in a fight
When I'm drunk in the night
You'd help me see this through
I need someone like you.

No boy will ever love you like I do,
Your every interest is my own.
No one will ever care for you as much as I do.
I'll always carry you back home.

I'll never love anyone more.
You trump all who stand in my way,
For you find your strength in me,
And I in the Lord our God.

You're the first thought when I wake,
The last when I sleep.
You're the why in my stake,
You're the thorn in my heart so deep.

No matter the life you lead,
No matter the mistakes you make,
No matter what happens to you,
No matter what you do,
Love knows nothing greater.

Anything I make,
It's for you.
Anything that I am,
It's for you.
Anything that I've been blessed with,
It's all for you.

My dawn and my morning dew.
My early Christmas morning.
My love I thought I knew.
You are mine, and I am yours.

You're the love of my life.
I'm the protector of your soul.
You're the pride in my labor.
I am your love eternal.
Your father, forevermore.

Feel good movies only last two hours,
What else are you going to do with the rest of your waking hours?
Deep cuts deep thoughts.
Fill my time up with unproductive ****.
I can't hate myself,
But I can't look at myself in the mirror either.
I remind me of you.

Through Two Hearts

I am a the ghost in your car,
The blood in your veins.
I am never too far,
When your heart is in pain.

You are the inspiration in my hand,
The strings of my guitar.
You are the grain in the sand,
That scatter in my memoir.

I am the voice in your head,
The whispering night.
I am the skin that you shed,
The very sin that you fight.

You are my one true muse,
The burn mark on my thumb.
You are the smoke in my fuse,
It makes my heart go numb.

I know these times are trying,
We miss each other so.
When we both said goodbye,
It was a stab through two hearts.

Paint and water,
To a faulter.
Naked before me,
Hard to capture.

Canvas lines,
Put in time.
Turn around,
Beckon me now.

Charcoal and pencil,
They're my utensils.
Your form on my page,
Love shines through.

Kiss your forehead,
You blush in your bed.
I tuck you in,
Love knows no bounds.
Turn around.

What else can I say that hasn’t been said?
You know everything that is on my mind,
You know me inside and out.
I miss you every day,
You are my best friend,
I love you very much.

I’ve poured my heart out so many times for you.
I don’t think I have anything left for you.
Don’t worry darling,
Everything works out in the end…
We have to believe that.
Right?

Dear Father,

I have sinned,
Even when I knew it was wrong.
I sinned when I acknowledged your presence,
I rebelled against you and didn’t care.
I am dirt who hates you at heart,
I can’t stand being in your presence.
I am filled with malice and spite,
I break bread with my sin,
I dig up the bones of my weaknesses.

Dear Father,

You loved me still,
You cared for me despite this.
You saw me as precious,
You called me holy.
You lifted me up,
Held me close,
Drew me near,
Called me to you,
Claimed me as your own,
Adopted me as your child.
You loved me still.

Fear not little one,
Everyone has a purpose.
How quaint you must feel,
Like destiny ripping at your wired circuits,
Looking for meaning.
Looking for purpose.

It's not just you,
We're all wired that way.
Don't lose heart,
Your work, though minimal, has purpose.

Know that there is meaning in everything we do,
For there is a master plan, working itself out.
Even if it seems useless, faint, or unimportant,
Don't lose hope,
Do not faulter,
Don't stop or stutter,
You do more than pass the butter.