I have sinned,
Even when I knew it was wrong.
I sinned when I acknowledged your presence,
I rebelled against you and didn’t care.
I am dirt who hates you at heart,
I can’t stand being in your presence.
I am filled with malice and spite,
I break bread with my sin,
I dig up the bones of my weaknesses.
You loved me still,
You cared for me despite this.
You saw me as precious,
You called me holy.
You lifted me up,
Held me close,
Drew me near,
Called me to you,
Claimed me as your own,
Adopted me as your child.
You loved me still.
Oh my lovely garnet stone,
How I miss our talks on the phone.
I need to end my misery,
From the damage I sustained from my injury.
Wintergatan is a very sad song,
It makes me think of you all day long.
I was thinking the same thing,
Is anything new? What will today bring?
Whenever I think about 2014,
I think about all that I’ve seen.
Three years of sin I should have known,
You were there all alone.
I write so many poems no one may see,
They stay on my phone,
They are just for me.
This song by myself makes me want to hide,
Wintergatan kills me inside.
Drug me to sleep,
It’s the only way now.
I have thoughts so deep,
That rest won’t allow.
Guilt and hate stir in my brain,
Words and actions that strangle me dry.
A year of depression now has gone by,
My heart will forever carry the pain.
I cannot win this war of attrition,
I give up and give in,
I curl up to offer my submission,
My life is broken with sin.
I only have one saving grace,
The hope that God may shine upon me with His face.
I don’t have anyone to live for but the Lord,
To continue on to see what He has for me stored.
I held your face and told you that I was going to remember this,
Under the warm light of a cool night.
We cried together because we knew we would grow apart,
I was heading to your brother’s house down the road.
The softness of your skin sent shivers down my spine,
I held your cheeks in my hands as your hands clasped over mine.
I brought you in for a sweet kiss,
The morning after wouldn’t be so.
I had breakfast and tea,
I was simply there watching you talk with your friends.
I felt cheated out of time with you,
But you needed time with your friends.
I get that now.
I’m sorry for being so selfish.
You kissed me goodbye,
Said it was going to be the last kiss you ever gave.
I knew that wasn’t possible,
I know someone will come along.
But I’ll hold onto that memory.
Just you and me,
Leaning against my car as I memorize your face,
The last time I felt safe, with you,
On December 11,
I sometimes hold my pillow,
I like to imagine that I can keep you warm.
Cold nights like these keep me up.
Tell me how I can’t go to sleep?
Why can’t I taste food anymore?
Will I ever feel joy again?
If you’re wondering if I’ll ever move on,
Not until I know that you’re okay.