What is going on with the world today?
We all love, we all hate,
we all can't get up the next day.

What's your deal? Where have you been?
Is that really where you should have been?are you wanting to exist?
Is everything a smoke and mirrors shade of life?


Kick my *** if you please. Just know it won't be at ease.




Isnt this great... We all love and hate..
And all speculate.
We just want to live and live great.


Oh wait..
We  all just hate

When did everything get so lame?
Fighting for a name ?


we are all human.
We all ****.
we all have victories.
We all have low points...
Why judge?
Why disgrace?


Nothing is set in stone.  
Why expect a throne.?
Dreams lost.

No more thoughts.

Goodnight . Sleep tight
Don't let those crazy thoughts bite.

Every night goes by and I wonder.
So scared by what I don't know.
Taking steps I never knew I would have to take.

My life is ******* by a thought I didn't make.
Time is lost in something I didn't take.


But it was taken from me and now I'm trying to move on
Live life in a different light.
Nothing has worked.


I'm still so stuck.
Yet have a life to bring up
I'm *******.
I need to grow up.

I need to move on.

I hope if my eyes ever lie on him I will know.

But for now it's all a big no.

Seize the day and move on.
That's my next big show.

Life goes one way .
Than another.
My life ***** but now I'm a mother.

It all is so lame. What's right what is wrong.
Can't get out.
Can't be who I should be....

Don't know what path to follow.
Taking one step at a time.

But time is against me.
It goes so fast .
Yet so slow.

I can't get on  my feet .
I can't get started .
The world is so against me.

But I'm not gonna stop.
My time is now.
Having nothing will give me a step.

And no one will expect anything.
One day my sush thoughts will become true

Til then I'm as useless as all of you.

it's funny how much the last few/6 years teach you what went wrong. How your reactions have made the last few years happen. And being in certain places and with certain people. It has made your life.

Life is a crazy thing.
I know I **** at it ,and have much room to grow. But life is a gift

With all this world has created, we only see bills and making happiness for every wrong reason.

We love life . We hate life. We wish we were anywhere but here.

Where does it end?  

We never have enough.

We get stuck.
We put ourselves down.
We get stuck.


No more growing.
We love attention
And addictions.
And everything that's the worst.

When will we grow up.
When will we go with a gut instinct of what's right and wrong.
When will we have guts???

Love the world.
Love you.
And grow.

Dreams bounce and come back .
Nothing has stopped except your lack.
Lack of faith. Lack of hope.
You get one Grace of love
Even got a jump.

You can do this.
You do have faith.
You do have what it takes.
To be a mother

No matter what they say
No matter the doubt you believe.
You have what it takes
To be a mother.

Falling asleep as i drown in sorrow.
Secretly wide awake trying to breathe a steady breath.
Confusion ensues as i start to dream.
As i am watching a play.
One with no plot, or real story.
Just random carousels spinning around and around.
Bouncing up and down as one follows another
It finally ends and suddenly its tomorrow.
Everyone scatters and i sit alone.
While this play starts over and over.
Time goes by.
An hour. A day. A month. a year.
Here we go again. Theatre fills up and im not the only one again.
They cheer as it ends and leave again.
I however just sit and stare.

Finally open my eyes 8 hrs later.
Even tho it felt like years.
I join the world as they did to me in my dream.
Working, eating,living.
I however
just sit and stare.

Everyone gets ****** into sadness and so much lameness. Never thinking they are good enough. Never thinking they are worth anything.. Never knowing where to go. What to do.

All I have to say is I really hope no one thinks they are the only ones. Everyone is suckin at life. And if they aren't now, ( that you can see) they have before.
Or they still think they do. All you got is this life.
No one knows if the choice they make is right. Or if the next step will be the best one.
Everyone at least semi wishes they hadn't made some mistake in the past.
Or wished the past was different.
But.    Who wants to live there? In the past that was the worst?
Today is a new day. And guess what so is tomorrow.
No more looking back. No more dwelling on what could of been. Let's all move on. And realize we are never alone. Can't we?

Rant done.

IVE STOPPED.
             Stopped wishing.
                         Stopped praying.
                                Stopped believing.
At least i thought i did.
Truth is, i dont know what i did.

              I still wish.
                I still pray.
                    still believe and still DREAM.
Been broken and then more with a torn heart.
Lookin at a mirror, like vanity was suppose to take it from here.
but no.
     I have a free mind.
    Free to dream.
to believe.
and have faith in ME.

in the end we all doubt ourselves.
and then we realize there is no one else to compare to.

live our lives. thats what we can do.
kiss *** if you want to.


look in a mirror and believe it is you.
and know nothing will happen unless you have faith in you.

Time to sleep.
But man.
Thoughts go thru my mind.
Crazy of what I want.
Crazy of what they want.
Mixed emotions.
Living as much as I can.
Never as much as I could.
But stuck. Stuck in a place I always was.
Yet here happy and thats a plus.
Ill move on cuz thats the next step.
I just avoid being open..
Here I am. Wanting to know the answer to everything. Wishing I could help everyone.

Sadly im stuck in a world where I cant help myself. And no one can help themselves.  
And oddly that makes me not feel alone.

Moving on to what really counts.
Everyday **** happens.

Mind over matter.
And we can all live thru the hassle.
We can all do what we want.
And move on.

They say to travel down the road less traveled by.
But what happens when its a dead end?... pushing u back to the mainstream ****.
Nothing is ever enough, you cant get yourself to get up.
Nor become the same as everyone.
You dont know how.
How to talk to people,
how to get places.
nothing.
I knew life wasnt gonna be easy.
But why couldnt I prepare myself or get off my arce sooner, and do something, why cant I still?
Why cant I be someone better.

It always ends up being the same.
Having the wrong insight.
Why do I have this state of mind. why havent I changed it.

Feeling like I cant make friends, or be confident, nor have a need to live.
Never knowing why I need to be on this earth.
Another step is all I can take.

Moving on from this place.

Paper, pen, paper, pen here we are again. unable to meet cuz there is too much to write. Lost in my mind about life. Struggling with always wanting what I cant have. never knowing if that path less traveled by is right.

Sitting here as the sun shines on scars of years past. Small little reminders of the pain endured.
lessons learned.
   tears shed.
Relaxing, thinking "what if". dreaming dreams outta reach just to keep hope.

A million obstacles to overcome in life. with so many choices to make to put yourself where you want to be.
Attempting to keep faith that in the end you'll end up where you're meant to be.
Who you're meant to be.
All of which can happen if you rememeber life will pass you by if you dont accept it.

If your heart breaks,
Life goes on.
If you loose a job,
Life goes on.
If you fail school,
Life goes on.

The world has gone this long without you. But there is always room to join.
First you have to try.
try to change
try to take a chance.
try to be happy with the choices youve made and will make.
You just gotta try.

Comfort is questioned.
As another story unveals tonight,
the uncharted road not explored.

A familiar image appears.
With a flash of lightning
on both the left and right.

Breathe in.Scent of Pure bliss, with a hint of carpe diem
Though it is not our home.
For we do not have one,yet.

Not caused by anything, but our true desire.
Constant change and chance.
Solely living life.

Where we'll end , who knows.
Fate is devious, but tasteful
and factors out what does not accommodate you.

A sudden noise begins.
Eyelids open.
my alarm has waken me.

I sit up fast.
Why was this dream so concealed?
Buried so deep, unseen to even me til now.

I look arond in a new place, alone.
remembering the first road explored.
So easy. Simple. So 'Normal".

Thoughts pop as if it were popcorn thrown in a fire.
Love is infinite and blind,
but aquires true ambitions.

Happines doesnt grow.
It is inevitable,
if its genuinely you.



Another chance as a taste arises.
Do you go for it or deny it?
Similar devotion from both sides required.

Hearts get taken and then shattered.
As it is a part of LIVING life.
Being scared of it is a silly choice.

Human nature makes it so hard to deal.
Doesn't make it impossible.

Living Life and finding self-fullfillment isn't easy,
for if it was, being alive would be just as unreal as a DREAM.

another night sparks the dark to light,
a family is seen.
a home, a job, a life

u begin to search for the thunder.
only to find the other path is chosen.
things make sense as u see him.

an unexpected smile apears on ur lips
knowin that happiness has grown
with the comfort of a home.

u still wonder wat caused the confusion.
thinkin bak u wonder.
what was so appealing to this path

the other was so thrilling.
but just a phase.
somethin that wasnt real.

time to wake.
u look next to u.
hes asleep still.

he snores and twitches.
u smile and no wakin up to anythin different
would never b right.

u stop to think of what if.
if the thunder was chosen wat would happen
u no ull always b curious.

always wantin another taste.
always able to enjoy its presence.
but nothin will change wats meant to b

no matter how thrillin thunder can b.
ur heart is taken...and thats that

behind your eyes become more then just blue skies
as two roads begin to show
of somethin out of sight.

you are ready for adventure. an endless summer
all u no is wet and cold. dry and hot
curious of other life

time to decide.
u look to the right. and theres that life,
the one where u have come so far to leave.

same as before so safe and secure.
no step is takin yet,
for you have yet to look at the left.

wit a faint smile ur turn to the left.
lightning sparks as thunder roars.
the ground tingles ur toes, and jumps ur heart.

ur lost for words.
such a rush
as tho its a crush.

u stop and look bak.
u think, am i ready?
one foot twitters, u begin to move.

black.
ur eyes open, sit up.
it was a dream.

shoulda known, it was so unreal.
then u think.
what did i choose? what would i choose?

Everyday gets harder to be strong.
knowing what i did caused everything to go wrong.

I pause for just a moment and think of you.
knowing my actions ******* my heart for life.

I smile hoping this choice was right.
but i still shed a tear knowing we gave up the fight.

Trust was impossible.
love was inevitable.

Dealling with a broken heart is where i stand.
Memories are all i have.

Hope for your happiness is all i can do now.
tho my love for you will never die down.

Keep up your hate if thats what it takes.
im not around to hurt you anymore.

im here for myself, for once in my life
gettin back on track, and maybe then you will see who i want to be.

but until then know i miss you.
And not once, did i lie when i said i loved you.

a free moment inspires a quick note
to tell those of loving hope.
in the skys that change to red
dreams arise with eyes wide open.
music blares fittin the movie scene
mind wanders lovingly as u come up to the city.

time to slow, and focus.
the air is crisp for a city aroma.
cars go by with smiles and frowns.
u look bak to the colorful horizon.
for it is dark, and cavin in.
and the reality sets in. the beautiful sky has turned to rain.
u look at it wit courage.for it is no match.
u can live wit much worse.

You are the women, the greatest hero in my eyes. Keeping me fed and a roof over my head.

Striving at keeping me alive, and succeeding at life.

Conquering fights, providing advice, taking place of those who left my life.

For this i stand in awe of you.

But soon, you shall stand proud, as tears fall from your face,  on that unique day which those gowns ignite a parade.

Where after it is done, rivers flow from my eyes as i begin to say "i made it mom" and its all for you my role model, my hero, my MOTHER.

You get lost in cloudy thoughts. New back drops.
Living life so the fun never stops.

Breathing in as if life cant get to you.
One foot in front of the other like the world cant bring you down.

In reality, youve been crushed by mixed feelings.
Overwhelmed with possibilities.

Frozen in the first step back up.
Spinnin in a swirl you just cant stop.

Tortured by the need for affection.
Frightened by the humans curse of love.

Feeling lost when my heart speaks.
Never knowin if forever is an option.

Crying and hiding come to mind when reality sets in.
Ill keep my head up by loving that i have a life.

Ill use it to tackle things that bring tears to my eyes.
With a smile to help me shine.

the rollercoaster of life.
Ups.
Downs.
Loopty loops.
Everyone has a different Insane ride.
Some start to forget that, and theirs starts to do nothing but go down.
Forgettin it ever went up. Takin the easiest path possible.
loopty loops become straight. The ups are just a cliff, "the easy way OUT"
that plunges to a demise that soon evolves to the only desire to these poor souls seek.

Eventually every soul-ride gets to a point of reconstrustion.
Some can do it alone.
some Have others to help them.

Others are left with the easy way out.
never having the courage to tell themselves what a great ride it could be someday.
never having someone to even be a helping hand with rebuilding.

Every coaster has a chance to be great.
just depends on the rider.
if they cant MAKE it an amazing coaster, it will be a GREAT ride.

What is wrong with me?
Am i Too skinny? too fat?
Am i too tall? too short?
why cant i be happy with me?

what is wrong with me?
Am i too dumb? annoyingly smart?
Do i talk to fast? or prehaps to slow ?
am i too loud? or too quiet?
Why cant i be happy with me?

what i wrong with me?
am i too sensitive? am i heartless?
am i self-ish? or a little to selfless?
am I not silly enough?
should i be so jealous?
Do i care what people think?
Is this really where i wanna Live?
Am i stuck with this job or do i love it?
Should i have gone to school?
Is this the person i shoud be fighting for?
Do i need to go to the doctors?
Why cant i be happy with me?

whats wrong with me?



I just cant be happy because of ...me