i live for the applause
not like lady gaga
i live for the slow clap after a badly told joke

you live for the clothes
and the boys
and the drama
you live for saying things passionately
and for leaving me behind

i live for the hilarity
and the semi-trucks that send people i vaguely care about
sliding into perfect laughter
i live for the feeling that you care about me
and aren't just using me to move your ****
or cook you dinner
or design your wardrobe
or be there when you cry
so i can hug the **** out of you
and hand you tissues
i live for the feeling that what i'm giving
could someday come back

but what i get is the feeling
that it never will
that i won't trust you again
that you knew what you were doing
that i should stop burning my body
that i am not a candle to be lit
that i will not be a light
if i am dead

i have the feeling that applause will ***** me out
that i have had too much applause in my life anyway
i have the feeling that you don't give a single **** for how i feel

no,
it is not a feeling.
that last one is a fact

There's so much I need to say
They didn't warn me today was my last day
My thoughts are so jumbled in my head
My hand trembles trying to write down all the things I should've said
Where did all the time in the world go?
We don't really have all the time in the world and we all know
But, stubbornness and pride gets in the way
Prevents us from for being able to start out by simply saying "hey"
I only have time to tell one person how I truly feel
Why'd I wait so long to show you, so you'd believe it's real?
I can't waste a second on what I can't change
All I know is I never ever dreamed wed be so estranged
Sorry doesn't come close to bridging this gap
And I know you hate it when I'm a sap
But, I am so sorry little sister
I never met to let my life swallow us in my twister
From bunk beds to our own homes
I never stopped worrying about you but knew you'd be fine on your own
But, sometimes I look at you and I see the little girl who got off the school bus crying
And I had to do something to defend the little girl hiding
I never hesitated to do what I had to do to protect you
It wasn't a chore, it was a must, something I'd always do
But, then I changed and the storm above our house was me
For so many years I was just to **** blind to see
Until one day I realized you stopped picking up the phone
And even when we were both there, you'd rarely make your presence known
I couldn't make sense of it at first
I couldn't have been the one to cause so much pain and hurt
But, your eyes told it all
I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to stop denying what I saw
My reflection in your eyes was ugly and sad
And you were more than just mad
What I couldn't deal with I put on you
I suddenly switched from protecting the little girl from the school bus
I became worse than any bully you ever knew
Tears flood my eyes, drown my face
And it's no wonder we're trapped in this place
Somewhere along the line we switched roles
Dying inside, everything was growing cold
No more cookie dough and flour fights
Just angry words and silent tears at night
Those two girls hugging in the pictures on the wall
Were fading to nothing at all
You didn't know it but...
Everyday we spent in silence felt like a 1000 paper cuts
The roller coaster ride has been something most won't understand
Without you I'm not whole, my arms aren't waving in the air.. Everything's so bland
We've been trying to cross the same bridge for awhile now
We get so close and I ***** it up somehow
Bitterness and shame consumes me
And I just become different and forget the "we"
This letter is unbearable to write
My words are blurry and you're no where in sight
I'm standing at the bus stop
But the bus has come and gone, and the second hand moves faster on the clock
You're one I admire most
Even when jealous, I can't help but talk about you and boost
I would never want you any other way than you are
Your strength has taken you far
And my anger at life has caused our bridge to crack
And I just wanna turn the clock back
I wanna hear you beg me to play the bubble game
And then spend hours laughing so hard, the memory in my mind in a frame
That little girl from the school bus has always had my heart
Even if at times we had to part
I gotta wrap this up
I tap the pen nervously but..
Seal the envelop and put it in the mail box with hope
Hope that the little girl from the school bus
Well, that she still remembers us
That she remembers the sister that jumped on anyone that ever tried to hurt her
Not that just the one who messed up who we once were
I'm back at the bus stop again
I know it's a long wait and tough battle to win
Ill never stop trying to be better
That's why I had to write you this letter
I know it's not much, it's not an eraser
I'm not gonna push but, I will be the chaser
Because the little girl from the school bus deserved so much more from me than she got
And all that she's done, will never be forgot
Ill just stand here and wait
And never again will I hesitate
Hesitate to say what's right
And let my hatred of others drag us into a fight
I know there's so much I can't undo..
I guess I just had to write this so you'd truly know..

I love you

Your Meme always

They say that those who have a darker and more crowded mind,
Have a better perspective of the world than those with normal minds.
It is the truth.
We see the devils behind the flesh,
The true nature of people behind the mask,
We can sense the lies and lack of faith
From a mile away.

Walking the streets while a whole network of emotions
Are pulsing through your head makes you see the world in a different light,
More enhanced senses.
We see the truth behind the smiles,
We feel the wrenching tension of the person next to us,
We hear the staccato heartbeat of someone trying to stay calm,
We can taste the fragility of words from a persons lips,
**We can smell fear.

i did wrong by you
too many times
to count
and now
when i want so much to do right
you want nothing to do with me
i am sorry for sewing you a patchwork heart