Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago. In it, you told me to go **** myself. I still remember that night. I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully. I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel. Two months ago I called you at 2 AM. I expected you to ignore it or send me to voicemail; those were two of the things you were best at. You answered and I felt my heart begin to race; you probably thought it was because I missed you, but honestly, I just didn't expect you to answer, and because I really had to ***. I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused. It was like you forgot I existed and that I was once part of your life. You told me "fine" and I smiled. That was the last conversation we had. I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way. Fast forward two months; and I still wonder how you are. I still wonder how your dog is or if you've seen any good movies lately. If you heard me say this you'd probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet. You'd probably think that I think these things because I still love you. But that is not the case. You see, six months ago, I was jumping through hoops trying to please you. To make sure that you were happy before myself. To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness. But it is not six months ago. It is now. And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to. A person I told secrets to at 4AM and ****** to feel a sense of closeness. But it is not six months ago. It is now. And now I miss you, I miss the way you would call randomly just to see how my day was. I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn't. I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories. And maybe one day things will be different. Maybe you'll call me on a Tuesday afternoon to see how my day was. These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep. But for right now? Go **** yourself.

Because days like this,
I feel the tears role down my cheeks,
and I think to myself,
I've never loved anyone like I love you.

We're deadly, you know?
We're a bunch of suicidal kids,
Falling in love with other suicidal kids,
Killing ourselves over the thought of losing each other.

I see you are doing just fine without
me,
The girl you said you'd never leave,
The girl you said you couldn't live without,
The girl you said you loved,
The girl who's not ready to say goodbye,
The girl who's not sure she'll ever be ready to say goodbye,
But I see you're doing just fine without me.

Dying is certainly something scary, we don't know what comes after death, and most of us fear living because we "know" what's coming for us and that's scary, but truth is, we know nothing about living, we don't know what's happening two weeks from now, tomorrow, or even three hours from now, most of us never actually live because we are existing in fear of everything, but we are human, and fear is inevitable, we can't escape it, but the advice I have to offer you today, is to live, fear what we don't know, but have hope, because we are human and we all have hope, hope for a better tomorrow, and just keep on living until you decide you like what the next today brought you

Home,
My home is in Madison in my big blue house,
In my bed full of stuffed animals and
Mommy and daddy in the other room not screaming at each other,
And my puppy on my bed cuddling me,
While I cried at night because I was scared of the monster under my bed,
And my play house kitchen,
Where I played grown up,
Where I thought I would always turn out okay,
And I danced smiling in my little dresses and bows in my hair,
As mommy would dress me in,
And sit on the couch with daddy while mommy dusted her shelves,
And play hide and seek with my dog because he knew how,
And get a kiss goodnight
And a kiss for every scrape and bruise on my body,
And run in the grass putting flowers in my hair,
In my big blue house in Madison,
And now MY big blue house in Madison has been painted yellow,
And strangers have taken over my room,
And have planted these awful red flowers in mommy's garden,
And daddy's office is now a garage,
And my puppy is dead,
And so is daddy,
And there's a new puppy who runs in the yard,
And mommy cries sometimes because her baby girl has grown up so fast,
And daddy isn't here to tell her she's beautiful,
And her puppy has turned to bone,
And little girl is all grown up,
And she doesn't know where her home is anymore,
Because home is no longer here.

I'm becoming a memory to you,
Fading away just as I do best,
Into the back of your mind,
Where I won't be thought of again,
Trapped in the depths,
Trying to claw my way back to your thoughts,
I miss you, you know?
And the way we used to be,
The way that made me smile,
Even in my darkest times,
It seems that with you gone,
I am gone too.

My love,
I do not like what I am feeling,
My soul is turning cold and dark my love,
My soul is turning into yours,
You do not know how many times I've tried to fight the darkness away,
And call out for help,
I tried running to you but I was too afraid.

It's like everyone and everything around you is moving,
blossoming,
becoming something,
And you're here,
watching it all happen,
the only thing telling you you're alive is the rising and sinking of your chest, and you're alive but not living,
and you feel nothing,
numb to the touch,
Numb to the sadness that makes the tears stream down your cheeks,
Numb to the pain that makes you pinch the fat on your body and scream looking in the mirror,
Numb to the anger that makes you rip out your own hair,
It's someone who meant so much to you leaving you to notice all the bare walls and empty spaces and expressions,
Just like the one that's left in your eyes,
It's like laughing at a joke but not really understanding what was funny about it and it just seemed like the thing to do at the time,
It's like every emotion at once yet you're still left with no explanations for anything you've said and done the past month or so,
It's a sinking pain that starts in your chest and sinks so low you think it'll reach your feet,
It's like that part of you that makes you feel anything at all,
Has been surgically removed and you're left with nothing,
Absolutely nothing

Where have you gone away to?
You see, I've looked all the places we used to go together,
I've asked the stars a thousand times,
I checked under my bed where you used to tell me that the monster could never reach me,
I've asked myself in the mirror countless times,
But you see, you've left no clues to where you're hiding away from me,
I could lie to myself a million times,
Tell myself that you're okay and that you're happy without me,
And truth is, I'm sure you are,
But you see, I am not,
Those nights where your absence chokes me up,
Those nights where you used to dry my tears are now flooded,
The pain of loving you has a new partner in crime,
The pain of missing you,
I remember the nights I was clenching my chest,
Gasping for air,
Choking on salty tears with sadness stained cheeks,
Begging you to stay,
But nothing,
Nothing compares to this,
This ache,
You see, your silence is killing me,
My ears are ringing,
My eyes can't seem to focus anymore,
My hands? I can't stop them from trembling,
But nothing brings me closer to you,
And so my question still remains,
Where is it you have gone away to?

I'm sitting here thinking about you,
In a poets point of view anyways,
Thinking of how to write about you,
About the boy this sappy poet fell in love with,
About this insane feeling in the pit of my stomach that you have created,
But nothing really comes to mind,
And I realize I am completely mad,
I have finally lost it,
Every single word that normally would just roll off my tongue so gracefully,
Just kind of sits back,
It's driving me crazy,
I have so much to say,
But no sense of what is right and wrong to say,
The last thing I ever want to do is hurt your feelings,
I've decided to just shut the hell up,
And look at you in my poets point of view,
Because I guess that's what I do best,
And I've realized you are beautiful,
In every sense that someone could possibly be beautiful,
And I have realized that I am completely mad,
And that I have finally lost it

Release me
Unlock my heart and steal the pain away
Release me
Open up the door and help me break this chain
Give me back what I gave to you
You couldn't protect me
I couldn't go anywhere
Trapped in this love I built with lies
and everything I have left
is gone with every goodbye

Whispers in the dark,
Colors that cry,
Hallucinations that haunt your head,
Inside your body a parasite crawls,
Fear,
It lurks inside of you,
Running from no one,
No one,
Trembling,
Scratching at the thoughts,
The urges,
These voices are your only friend,
Let it take control,
Control you lack
Insanity incurs with hysteria,
Schizophrenia.

You were so unstable,
You thought it was okay to walk in and out of my life whenever you pleased.
It was far from okay.
But I forgave you,
Time and time again,
Always told myself "this is the last time"
But who was I kidding?

You controlled when it was over,
You always did,
And in a sick and twisted way,
I think you always knew that.

I'm angry with you.
But I was raised to forgive and forget.
But you see,
It's easy to forgive,
Anyone can accept hollow apologies.

Forgetting?
Now that's the hard part,
Because forgetting means moving on.
That part,
Well it's almost impossible for most,
Because leaving that one person,
That one memory in the dust,
It holds a piece of you,
And if you can't live without that piece of you,
You're stuck.

I'm stuck.
And I'm angry with you.

Sometimes I try and remember what it felt like when you left those years ago,
I try to remember the words you said to me before we went our separate ways,
And I try to remember if I slept that night or not,
And I try to remember if my mother noticed the redness and blotching of my skin when I tried to hide what was going on,
I try and remember how long I spent in the shower with my knees tucked to my chest not even caring when the water got cold,
And I try and remember if I could even eat the week after you left that night,
I even try and remember the exact date you left because; I have the date we met etched into my bones,
And I try to remember if I even cried that night or if I was too choked up to even move because you had a way of making my chest concave,
But truth is,
I can only truly remember the pain- staking memories,
Because it seems to me that the little hurts fade faster than the ones that created the scars left on my body,
The scars from every bad fight we've ever had,
And I admit seeing couples kiss still makes me uncomfortable to this day because I can still envision them being us in the back of my mind,
And I try and blame you for ruining some of my favorite songs,
But truth is,
They probably wouldn't have been  my favorites if it weren't for you,
And I admit that even the rain reminds me of you because I can remember the way you smiled when I used to go out dancing in it,
I even remember you in the ways I try and forget you,
And remember you in the ways I still write poems about you,
And I painfully remember you when my friends ask whatever happened to you and I really don't have a straight answer,
Because those are the things that impact me the most,
Those are the things I still find myself tearing up over,
But I guess time heals the pain and fades the memories; slowly one by one,
And only the scent of you now lingers on my T-shirts,
And the chest-clenching pain you had inflicted has faded to these words,
And I guess it's no laughing matter but I do find it funny how time and memory work together to try and erase the things that damage the human body,
And I guess that proves how vital survival is to us,
Even when the clock reads 4:36 AM and we lie there wishing to die.

****, did I love you,
You, and all your insecurities.
Fears.
Lies.
Hatred.

Loving you is twisted,
That, I know.
I threw myself at you.
I didn't realize I was throwing myself away.

"How could you love such a thing?"
"How could you do this to yourself?"
Those are the questions I always seem to ask myself.
I used to be able to answer them,
No spaces between my words.
No hesitation.
But now?
Now there's nothing but an ear piercing silence.
And I've realized that I can't answer.
Because it's not me inside my head anymore.
It's you, and all your insecurities.
Fears.
Lies.
Hatred.

You have crawled under my skin,
Cut and rearranged the wires to my head,
Imbedded yourself in each and every single one of my brain cells,
Taken away morals I used to possess.
It's my fault though,
Isn't it?
That's what you claim.

I should have warned you that getting close to me,
Would damage you beyond repair.
But then again,
I guess we both should've come with warning labels

I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the times I asked you to stay,
But you'd leave,
Just as the many before you,
And the many to follow,
And I have been told countless times that nothing lasts forever.

I guess that was my first mistake,
Because you weren't nothing to me,
You held so much of me in the palms of your trembling hands.

How I wished for you to be my nothing,
And maybe,
Just maybe,
You would've lasted forever.

And then the words that have been burned into my mind,
Could have a new meaning.
"Nothing lasts forever"

But I still took my chances,
I begged and begged you to stay,
I begged this monster to stay,
Because maybe,
Just maybe,
I'd see you start to care