for once,
say i am a snowflake;
fragile and
cold,
awkwardly unique.
but even if i was a snowflake
or not,
i met every time we touch.

IT'S 3AM AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT BUT I'M SO GREATLY TIRED BUT I CANNOT FATHOM GOING UNCONSCIOUS WHILE YOU'RE COLD AND BARELY BREATHING.

dreaming of the day
when i could be me
and you could be you
i'd love myself
and be happy, too.
my wrists would be clear
and so would my mind.
you would start eating
as you used too.
and maybe your under eyes
wouldn't be so blue.
but until that day comes
when we're hand in hand
i'll be dreaming of a place
called Neverland.

the moon shines brightly
with it's cheesy grin
the moon shines brightly
like the sun's twin.

I watch it nightly
as it phases, ever so slow
as it slowly spins
with a sorrowful glow.

patience he taught me
was the hardest to learn
yet once mastered
could easiest be burnt.

heaving loudly, in his usual spot
a spot that none would take
he wonders quietly why he tries
to race across the endless skies.

cold stream of air,
clear, raw sky, rare
wisps and little shrouds
or shawls of clouds
fast fleeting.

low sun lancing,
screened less
by intervening
trees' unleaved undress.

I stand in fleece
and boots, out back
a breath, a break
of afternoon, the stir,
to mark the slide away
of bright and shivering day.

this is my apology
for not being my best.
though I have not
been all the merry
and at my best.

this is my apology
for no inspiration
or motivation to
provide words for
you to read.

this is me giving
you my apology,
also known as
a good deed.

A year ago I sat in bed and cried.
I cried because I never fit in.
I cried because school was hard and I didn’t understand.
I cried because I loved but was not loved back.
I cried because I fell in with the wrong crowd.
I cried because I was sick of crying.
I cried because at several points..

Death seemed easier.

This year I sat in bed and cried.
I cried because I felt like I fit in.
I cried because I started getting A’s.
I cried because I loved and was loved back.
I cried because I’m finally with the right crowd.
I cried because I was happy.
I cried because I finally realized..

People weren’t being cliché when they said it gets better because it really does.

When I was being
abused by the one
I thought was my love,
you came into my life

And held my hand when
I needed it and offered
your shoulder when
my tears stopped by

But I didn't think of you
as anything but a friend,
until one day,
I opened my eyes and saw
the love that was
shining in your eyes

I realized you were the one
for me and I fell
passionately in love with you
and it was the happiest
I had ever been

Until you proposed and now
I can't even put into words
the joy I feel when you smile
or how thankful I am
for you coming into my life.

my music isn't loud enough to drown out her voice and my fingernails are too dull to scratch her touch out of my skin and my lungs are on fire without her icy personality to cool me down

but at 4am,

when I can't sleep;

and my bed is uncomfortable;

and my mind is racing;

you would be in my head,

the taste of your lips on mine as the smell of your puffins fills my nostrils.

I would think of your hair
and how it would fall down your waist

so beautifully, and your eyes;

how I could melt staring into them.

and then I would feel okay.

I would feel like I could breathe,

as I see you in my dreams.

they were forceful,
tiring and painstaking.

they destroyed every
atom of me,
to the weakest and
most strongest days,
they were there.

they were my companion,
the one who i shared everything with.

they were tiny voices
that repeated the same
words and phrases,
drowning myself.

they weren't human,
they were **me

one cut
two cuts
three cuts
four
someone's knocking at my door.

five pills
six pills
seven pills
eight
sorry, i might be a bit late.

nine days
ten days
eleven days
twelve
my food's still sitting on the shelve.

thirteen flushes
fourteen flushes
fifteen flushes
sixteen
why do they have to be so mean?

this is dedicated to
all those broken dreams
all those annoying little things
all those empty apologies.

all those lies you told
all the promises that were broken
all the words you wrote in bold
all the words that are unspoken

all those times you made me cry
all those times that made me want to die
all those times you showed me off
as if i was something people would make you proud of.

all those times you made me believe you
all those words you said to help guide you
all those things that helped remind you
all those reasons i was kind to you

all those days you made me smile
the minutes that you tried to make worthwhile
and the worst...
the seconds it took for you to put the
pieces of my heart in that pile

all the words you made me speak
all the promises you couldn't keep
all the secrets you wouldn't let slip
all the times you let me trip

all the crap you put me through
all the things you said to them, too
for all these reasons
i dedicate this poem to you.

please do not
tell me that
everything is fine
when you're driving
into the sunset with
huge rays of sunshine
while I am left alone
with a bad case of insomnia,
staring at this cheap, rip off
drama segment.

the blood poured from her skin
but she never screamed in pain
her cuts always burned and itched
but she never did complain

every other injury
she'd sit and whine about
but she'd never cry out
the hurt she put upon herself

she wanted to live a normal life
but the monsters had a better idea
they manipulated her
then she made them a deal

"i'll hurt myself, you devils,"
she promised to the demons
but they raised it so many levels

now the girl is broken
she is ****** up and scarred
but what can she do now?
she never knew it would be this hard.

they tried to take me,
with much force and hurt.

almost all of me,
wasn't how it used to be.

so ashamed and imprisoned,
inside of my cold, worthless body.

though i reached deep down,
to find the last remaining ounce of
hope that i never knew exsisted.

from here on out,
i know that at my roughest,
most tiring days,
they'll always be a little
ray of sunshine peeking out for me.

as long as i'm here
over your shoulder
i will lift off your chest
that heavy crushing boulder.

when i am here
you will feel no remorse
i will help you
when life takes its course.

i will be your guardian
watching from afar
ready to push you away
from a speeding car.

it is not one of my chores
to save your soul
i will do it again
without being told.

you do not have to thank me
for i am the blessed one
to be the final one with you
when the air forever
leaves your lungs
never to return.

I wrote some words on ancient stone
So you will know you're not alone
These silent words, a heartfelt plea.
A prayer that you will come to me.
These messages I've left you,
Come from my heart,
And all are true,
So I sit here in reverse and dream that
You will come to me.

feeling kind of bad today,
in a suicidal and depressed way.

the blood and tears,
mixed with the sound
of music and sobs
make it harder to
understand the cause.

not really sure why
i'm actually still alive.
im just a ****** up mess
on this ****** up earth.

his eyes were like the northern lights
the way they shined so loud and looked so bright

the way his nose would crinkle along with his eyes as he heard about a fascinating journey once made by my granddad

he'd always lean up on his elbows going forward as if the closer he got the more realistic the story would get and oh the places he'd go

beauty was his name and I was quite lucky to call him mine though now he's alone in the cold and sadly I'm spoiled with warmth

you stay up all night
trying to convince
that stranger over
the internet
across the seas,
or maybe even your
best friend across the street,
not to hurt themselves or
die tonight.
but they never question
if you're alright
so once you convince them not
to cut or commit suicide
you're back in your room
questioning your own life.

I covered my eye with a bold stroke of eyeliner in the blackest shade and masqueraded my lips with a velvety red lipstick.

I was hoping that if you focused close enough on the cover ups, that you wouldn't notice the dark circles under my eyes from staying up all night thinking of you.

Maybe you would pay more attention to the color of my lips than to the words escaping from them.

Because sometimes I say things I don't mean and I don't want to scare you away and I'm sorry.

She stood in the bathroom looking at the mirror.
Her eyes scanned over her reflection and she instantly picked out her flaws.
Tears pricked at her eyes as she remembered the names being passed around the school.

She groped some of her skin. I  could  lose  more  fat.   Then  they'll  start  calling  me  skinny  instead, she thought.

As she continued to ***** her skin, tears rolled down her cheeks.
She looked at her body in full hatred and disgust.

it's 6:10 in the evening,
i wouldn't prefer to be here
i'd rather much choose to leave.

it's not like i have the biggest choice.
though being with you,
is one of them.

being with you,
rather than listening
to boy bands sing
about how girls
should love theirselves.  

as i said,
i'd much rather leave
with you by my side.

i dont know what
to do anymore.

i cant keep up
with everything;
im lost.

i guess i just
have to admit
that im done.

it has appeared to me that I have been
so terribly upset and ungrateful.

until I met you, I haven't been able to
see the light from the dark.

you make me smile,
and for once, I am happy.

the kiss of a candle,

against my finger.

the scrape of a finger,

against my wrist.

the wings of a butterfly

brush my face.

the blue of the sky

that pierces my eyes.

hot world.

cold world.

painful world.

gentle world.

world that won't stop.

the past haunts me
in my head
in my dreams
no explanations,
to be made.

the present mocks me
at my life
in my face
no empathy
to fall from grace.

the future scares me
in my eyes
through my lies
no more running
it's time.

weighted down, heavy.
grief filling every open space
the little part you didn't know
she filled, now an empty place.

didn't know her well
a face that you passed by
now gone, eliminated
causing the painful tears you cry.

she passed before it was her time
anxious to be an angel
crossed the road to Heaven's gate.

I met a boy today who told me he liked me.
he was gorgeous like a summer sunset, just like he described me.

I told him that I felt amazing with him by my side, but I was too late.

He had grew older.

sadly, this isn't a poem. nor is it anything worth reading; however, I feel as if this is the only source of life I have.

I think I was recovering, but I failed myself. I am no longer the many years sober as I once was - I havd nothing to be proud of.

I am miserable & I hate myself.

I'm sorry for
not being good enough,

and I'm sorry for
crying all the time.

I'm sorry for
being a disgrace,
and taking up space.

Goodbye.

don't tell me that I'm beautiful
until you've seen the marks
etched in my skin,
and the ones on the inside,
on my heart,
that I hide.

don't tell me that I'm strong,
until you've seen me break down,
fall apart,
time and time again,
and cry until the tears no longer come.

don't tell me that I'm a wonderful person,
when I shut you out completely,
and push you away,
because I promised myself,
that you are just like the rest,
and you'll get tired of me, too.

don't tell me that I'm lovely,
until you've seen what nights are like,
and the terror that sometimes possess me.
seen me sob and tremble and question, "why me?"
until I run out of air
and collapse.

don't tell me that I'll get through this,
that this is only temporary,
until you've seen the inner torment,
inside of my mind,
and the demons that refuse,
to be silent.

but if you have seen that other part of me,
the scars, pain, insecurities and bitterness
that I hide,
the voices that whisper during the day,
and scream during the night,
the darkness lurking behind my smile,
and you still stay by my side,
and think i'm truly beautiful,
then maybe.. just maybe.. I believe you.

As I lay in this bed alone,
I cannot help but think.

Think about the differences
if I were not here to weep.

As I lay in the humid air,
I cannot catch my breath.

Every passage is closing up,
too anxious to let me in.

As I lay with my eyes squeezed close,
I wish I wasn't here.

I wouldn't have to deal
with my troubled filled mind.

And neither would you.

i think sometimes we get too caught up in our minds.

we get trapped in our own prisons.

we guard them ourselves.

we know how to get out and

where the key is,

yet we chose not to

because sometimes this suffering is better than reality.

im not sure
what to do,
nor how to
do it.

everyone is telling
me that i don't
want to die,
but if only they
knew how much
i tried and cried.

maybe they'd understand.

that im just a
****** up piece
of ****,
wanting to be
left alone to die.

and all i want is
to have someone who
will love me for me,
despite my flaws and insecurities.

i will love them for them,
despite their flaws and insecurities.

we will love each other,
for who we really are,
despite our flaws
and insecurities

sometimes i ask myself,

'am i really

that weak

to cry

over something's

not worth *it?'

down on the hard bed,
  smothered with tremendously large
  blankets
   it's getting warm.

the previous night's memories
  flood through my mind with
  no choice of a filter
    it's hard to think.

all the comments, the hateful comments,
  they're coming in one side and getting  
  trapped, not leaving the other
   the room is spinning.

the flashbacks are killing me,
mentally and physically
  i only wanted to sleep and never  
  wake up
   it didn't happen.
    *yet.

you are just

a beautiful

autumn lead

caught in the wind

slowly

making your way to the ground

and away from me.

the sky is wounded;
i can watch it
cry angels for
hours and not
catch a **** one.