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Kai Jan 22
Less than a drop in an ocean
than a molecule
than a single explosive atom
in an ocean
in an abyss
in a universe.

More than a landmass for a billion bacteria
a colossal energy machine
a life-giving, life-taking sun
a universe
an abyss

Just enough to be
human.
i think about how insane it is that life exists, that emotions and identity exist, et cetera. how everything that led to the people on earth today is both a total coincidence and some kind of extreme precision

and it’s like, how can you ever feel like a failure? stars collapsed so you could be here. whatever you are is already more than enough
  Jan 19 Kai
Nat Lipstadt
an existential question so deep,
it can be answered only by
enumerating a million tiny
words:

in the quiet crackling of a spine & unsticking page noise of an opening of a brand new book, a first of firsts, a thrill for free in any bookstore that is yours now, uniquely and forever

in the upward stroking of a smooth
cheek, by your smallest finger, upon
a newborn’s face, your youngest child’s
newborn, and a rare moment of unadulterated love tinged by
immortality

the smile you retrieve when scratching
that old beloved pet’s face, in the exact
spot only you two know and a long time ago
discovered


patrolling the Promenade, espying an
elderly couple so bundled against the
city’s Arctic cold freeze, that movement nearly impossible, nonetheless holding gloved hands in a manner and a moment describable only as inseparable

letting someone jump in front of you,
at the supermarket or the bank, when
they have only one item to purchase, and you, a dozen or so, but the most important item you really really urgent need you have is to prove to yourself that it is possible to buy more time
for a human

crossing with an elegant eldery woman
across the wilds of First Ave., who insists
she needs no help (ha!), but doing it anyway
by complimenting her candy striped cane,
and being rewarded with a “stop that, or
I’ll be forced to take you
home!”

searching endlessly for  red kidney beans in olive oil in a health store that has no less than 19 varieties of everything, and an immigrant teenager employee tskes you across a cityscape of aisles, turns, niches and alcoves  to the exact spot and item, and you
smile and weep because the beam of their smile at your pleasure lights up two souls
simultaneously

next, herbed flavored tofu?

making a bank teller laugh (a near impossibility) when depositing a very large
check, and when asked if there is anything
else you need, informing that you would like to withdraw half immediately but only if they have a sufficient quantity of extra large size single dollar bills!

a group of privileged upper east side college seniors eating out at a wonderful Italian neighborhood restaurant, talking loudly about their recent travels abroad, and how crazy it is that one cannot get a cappuccino in Italy(!) except at breakfast
(oh, the in-justice)

here I stop, because not a lot, of my reasons
to be brought forth are concluded, but only because  you have started
to feel an urgent need to p-
repare/start your own list, immediately if not sooner to ascertain precisely your own anwer to:
Where
are you
being?


5:48am
NYC
Shabbat, January 18, 2025
18 Tevet, 5785
most of these happenings occurred all on one day
last week;; one, 7 years ago…only ine was imagined but is planned

https://hellopoetry.com/poem/4956772/exactly-how-far-is-it-to-you/


https://hellopoetry.com/poem/4956772/exactly-how-far-is-it-to-you/
Kai Jan 4
after years of ministrations,
mimicry of empathy, empty sympathy,
simple solaces and asymmetric affections,
aching hearts, hurt, horror,
hoping for your healing,
hearing whispered worries, and
wishing an iota of insight on your indulgent identity
inserts itself into your mind,
i muse:
maybe my myopic love was lacking
all that’s left of it is lethargy.
i can’t leave,
lest you come undone and decimate what little direction you’ve divined
and die, suicide, someone somewhere somehow
staining my conscience.
cordial conversation continues— a commitment i’ve conceded to

i am in spite of you
i am because of you
you made me who i am
i love what i’ve become
so i guess i love you, too
this is about a longtime friend. both of us have changed since we met, partly because of each other.

i don’t know what i want. i’m just tired of hoping things will get better when they aren’t.
Kai Nov 2024
my dreams drain me,
pain me,
but i still wish they were real
in my dreams, i am the person i dream of being
i call you, i tell you i love you, and i fight to be real

once i claw my way to the surface,
that person has already drowned
10,000 leagues of dreaming compress my body
(and also two blankets)
i don’t call you. i don’t say anything at all.
and i wish i wasn’t real.
dealing with some heavy things
“i’m stuck inside a fantasy where i could be all you would need” - the comfort of a laugh track by ROAR
Kai Nov 2024
a thing claws at the walls of my abdomen
it roars for release
if i were stronger, i would dig my fingers
into my flesh
pull it apart, and
let the thing out

the thing is innocent. the thing is guilt
i guard my innocence. i am guilty

with this thing twisting my stomach, i feel nauseous
is the thing nauseous, or merely nauseating?
is the thing nauseous because of its own thing?
is the thing within clawing, too?

the thing within is truth. the thing within is afraid.
the thing is true. the thing is fear.
and i am the silent liar who seals all these innumerable things away.

i claw at the walls of my facade
i roar for release
am i the thing?

my teeth taste of the acid of remorse
if i’ve resolved to live a lie, why must these things claw inside me anyway?
did i resolve to live a lie?
or am i the thing?
if the things stop clawing, who am i?
if i am the thing, why am i trapped?

i am innocence. i am guilt
i am innocent. i am guilty.
i am truth. i am fear.
i am true. i am afraid.
and i am the silent liar who seals the innumerable ‘me’ away.
Kai Oct 2024
I am empty, but
the good thing about
being empty is that no
matter how much I pour out,
I will feel the same.
Does that make me full?

Holes are full of air.
Space has dark matter.
Nihilists are full of thoughts.
Nothing still has thing inside.
Maybe I am full
without knowing it.

Nothing matters, but
I love some things anyway.
I determine worth.
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/4877116/empty/
i learned how to do italics!!

_this_ = italics
__this__ = bold
___this___ = bold italics
  Oct 2024 Kai
Nat Lipstadt
disclaimer:
a long poem, tumbled out complete,
feel free to *** along

<!>

a poem that does not need writing,
scripted once before(1), sung this song,
nonetheless the heart purges,
then
newly urges
for fresh eyes to revise

for each second, four new babes come
into these world, estimating that one
will be infect by poesy, and there is
and yet,
no-known/cure, there be no disturbance,
no Cain mark distinguishing,
no sign from heaven,

so this enlivening disease, sometimes takes
almost a generation to bud, blossom (4) and pollinate the world with its unique nectar, uncontained, unconditionally & uncontrollable, and naturally,
incurable

by you awoken & aware of yourself
as a carrier, the strange heart rate
display of your EKG, that the doc
cannot explain, with that extra heart
beating beat (2) revealed, tell them not
to worry
it’s ok,
it’s a genetic
that makes you
tick
that’s yours
distinct,
and

there is no cure expected, no foundation advertising for dollars to lead the fight,
maybe one that does exact opposite, but no
matter, the infection becomes a condition,
with symptoms diagnoseable by the
colored gleaming lights in your
aggregating eyes

then comes the days of
frustrated declination
when every undisciplined
***** ditty wordy rejected,
crumpled and to the round
container sailing,
that’s the pain for the gain,
though all natural talent marked
by higher standards
self~imposed,
for only you can judge
when it’s good enough to satisfy
the judges observing,

the ones astride you
on each shoulder,
censoring the trite,
******* you back into the fight,
and soliciting you to go easier
on that body
for it already contains
all the nutty nutrients
that will combust
into a poem
that will be any equivalent
to an
******  of
new life breaching the
mind’s cautious customary warnings

so much more to tell,
by way of example,
who are the
predecessors that give me instant inspiration,
in the expectation of periods of
Saharan drought, (3)
the need to jot every random thoughts,
for oft
we compose in drips and dabs,
every birth owns its own timetable,
took Cohen ten years
to make Hallelujah satisfactory,
theiving so/too much of your time,
until the best distraction arrives,
announcing the following;

“if I did not truly loved her
it would be causas belli
should I fail not to
bring her an ember of
coffee”



but writing in the moment
is a stupendous momentous
so smile sweet,
tell her where to go,

where
the mug with Hawaiian scents
awaits, and let her lover
decompose what needs saying

immédiate
right now!

so by way of closure
I ask you
why
are you still reading this too **** long
soliloquy
and not
stariing into a world
of words
all your own?
<>
for
inscribed upon your every breath,
are
your words,
a trickery uniquery
to which

nothing will ever compare
<>
this one, came atumbling, stumbling
in one fall fell swooping on a Sabbath morning,
10/26/24, between
6:00am and 9:00am
>>
(1) https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2433933/0-followers/

(2) https://hellopoetry.com/poem/4767467/intrinsically-intrigued-by-my-irregular-irreverent-extra-heartbeat/

(3) Hafiz, Whitman
(4) started writing late, in my sixth decade
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