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Stop asking for reassurance
Stop asking if it's wrong
Just do what you want
What's your problem?

I'm just so afraid
The last time I made a mistake
I was violated and tormented
I can't trust myself anymore

As a kid I wasn't allowed
To think for myself or decide
The one time I let loose
I fell and got broken and bruised

What if it happens again
No one will help me repent
I can't feel or be open
This fear is permanent

My mind collapses
I fall apart
My day is gone
I'm just not strong

I thought I'd grow stronger
But I only fall apart longer
Every night it gets worse
Every one laughs at my curse

I want my childhood back
I want my innocence
I want the love and bliss
That I had to ******* miss

It's not fair
I never accepted til now
The emotional abuse
That torments my mind
Is no joke oh no it's not kind

It grows stronger
As I grow weaker
I'll never have any of it back
I'll never grow into a beautiful ocean
I'm a mud piled puddle
Only to live with struggle

Step on me
Run your car over me
Break me deeper
Til I become weaker

At this point im useless
I've lost all my faith
I'll never find my place
I'll never find comfort
For I hate myself too much
It resides within me so deep
I truly know I'll never be loved

I just ask the stars above
Stop mocking me, please
Let me sleep
i have so many words
itching to get out
plots and characters
living at my fingertips
waiting for me to breathe life
and bring them onto the page
why can't i?
they are stuck
waiting for me
should they simply
go find someone else?
should they simply
stop wishing for me?
no
i can do this
i think i can
i shall try
to write
and breathe life
and breathe hope
and breathe courage
maybe into myself
maybe into others
but *******
i will do this
i will write
and breathe something
into the world
something that will
impact others
make them talk
make them think
make them hope
dangerous weapon
to have and hold
i would much rather not
i suppose i have no other choice
to find the words
and get the courage
because i know what i must do
this is what i want
this is what i need
this is for me
and for others
to make an impact
to make a difference
to make my life
mean something
the curse of being a type 4, wing 5
 Aug 2019 jza aguilar
yin
burdens
 Aug 2019 jza aguilar
yin
there is no earth on your shoulders, atlas,
there is only the rubble of stars in your veins
and the wreckage of your heart
and the oceans in your lungs
and the red on your hands
these sins are all you can bleed now, aren't they,
and they're not even yours, are they?
they are the ones that have fallen across the earth and to its ends
until they found their way to you
and scarred your once starry skin
so that you may bear and bleed these sins of theirs,
until you shatter underneath the weight of the world
i wonder,
how can it be that a thing so inhuman
be responsible for us acting like one.

the soft smiles, the warm welcomes
don't they mean anything?

does my personality has any chance,
when you weighing cheque books?
can money buy kindness? can it? is my soul really "priceless", as they say?
 Aug 2019 jza aguilar
Jeo
Where did you go
I don’t even know
You just vanished from my life leaving a hole that nothing fills
Not work
Not friends
Not alcohol
You became my life
My routine
I looked forward to waking up because then I could text you right before you went to sleep
I looked forward to 1300 because you were just waking up to go to school or work
I looked forward to 2100 because you went to lunch and I could finally talk to you
I loved when you asked to video call because I loved just looking at you
Memorizing every feature of your face
The small beauty mark on your nose
The way your eyes looked so bright and full of love
Or even when you did your school work and I could just see so much determination in you
So much effort you put into everything you did
So I’d just stare at you
And enjoy that being the closest I could be to you for awhile
I miss holding your hand and squeezing it gently just to make sure you were still there
I miss randomly kissing your hand just because I loved to it
I miss kissing your nose because you’d have this cute little smile on your face while you turned red ever so slightly
I miss spoiling you in the stores because I knew you loved being able to have everything even if you didn’t want me to pay
But your gone now
Just left me
Because I didn’t look like I loved you
My eyes didn’t have the same light they used to
We didn’t really like the same things
While you enjoyed the little things and running around
I just enjoyed you
It wasn’t the places that we went that made me happy
It was being with you
Even if I didn’t smile as much
Even if I didn’t always laugh
I just liked looking at you
I gave you my whole heart
I poured everything into your cup
But then you just let the cup go
Why did you let go..
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