I don't read you anymore
polluted all my secret spots
and if you wrote one thousands words
my eyes won't have a single one
you see I have a billion thoughts
already
plastered in my head
one more word
i feel of yours
might corrupt each word I've said
and so I'll kindly let you know
that i won't
read anymore poems
i'm still so lost in my own soul
your stories
pour pain down my throat
and
i'm trying like a king
to be open to this reading
not really knowing much about you
confuses what I should believe in

it is unwise to avoid certainty
i've turned silent for landscapes
made for deprived mothers
queens to deafening men
lost of their purposes
why have they hidden her crown ?

I have your legs
but we're running such antithetical courses
Mother, I miss you but I cannot come home
I gain weight
I lose sleep
there are no lovers left for me
the wind has an ancient distaste now
for all the nights I exhaled complacency
I want to sleep with my door open
I can trust anything under a Libra moon
but never another repeated phrase
me, you
the first place I swam, the first meal
this is trust
you are love

I never learned to love mountains
but I was born with memories of them
I was born in Florida

I've picked apart women that
didn't deserve or earn it
like petals
she loves me
she loves me not
she loves me

when did I learn to grasp ?
to keep
we should be taught instead to let go          
before we are learned to catch
so we aren't holding on so tightly

I strangled myself
I learned quickly to let go
& became grateful of deep-breaths
weary of knots
weary of nots

I refuse to be my own worst enemy
I am all that is mine. all that I find is fleeting. eventually all things will lift, just as they will be dropped or put down
to keep, ha !
walk into my room
I have nothing
it is easier to breathe like this
I don't like being alone with shadows  

we are all royal
skin and salt
iron and decay
bone over brain
over-thinking our day
we are alive
we are afraid
we are okay
we are okay
we are

to replant or relearn
like they're the same thing
that to swallow a seed
is like eating the tree

water feeds worry
& words tell me
n o t h i n g

but you told me that you loved me
& it is all I can believe

tonight i'm finding poems
in every place you stood
& I am digging deep in gardens
busting knuckles over wood

the grace to understand, my love
is doing me no good
it is the way you burn inside of me
I wish you understood

I just needed to hear something
soft like
yellow from the lamp or
my love because
I can't stand the haunting hum of waiting
the anxious, ancient hour under my bone
half bent, ticking
picking my flaws like a hurt bird;
it is my time i give away
& unlike my heart
sadly stuck with me
i cannot keep, cannot get
these minutes back

I've been choking from the moment
I was forced to let you go
I should have spoke it out of poems
so that you would ever know
that I am bowing out & broken
want to unlearn every bone
until my heart re-bleeds the reasons
I keep sleeping here alone

so won't you
untie all my finger-tips
& hand me back my lungs
I was the fool that glued my heart to you
please can't you see what you have done ?

there's a slow burn in her words
I've come familiar with drawls
I watch your voice turn to coffee
I sip from your jaw
I'm not thirsty, just nervous
speaking in black caffeine tongues

"I'll fiend before it starts
& I'll feel clean after it's done"

cause you can't run from the two lungs
catching breath after breath

& you can't squeeze life back from death
if it is dead
then it is dead

waking up is always the same
one lonely body
in her garden of graves
my heat is just that
my heat
my dreams are still mine
just because you haunt them -
a reminder to dread nothing
no toothless lion
clawless beast
I'll fly from your split
jolts, I never come back from
I don't believe in reach
not unless I am shown stretching
arms do not speak
but they release
it's been done
& done & done to me
freed, "you are safer like this"
loveless lips, the only ones I see
& feeding from the tips of a liar's teeth  
fed until I depended on it
then thrown into a gust
I'll fly far away from you;

& hopefully soon
when enough is e n o u g h

my instincts will kick in

when I fell for you
I handed you my feet
that night in the city
my lips forgave ****** down Haight street
we searched for cigarettes
I slammed to my knees
I still can't believe you were right there with me
I found your mouth
your hands
my hands
your back (I want you back)
& you
you
with all my attention, darling
I watched you ride off with it
I watched your eyes
I watched you leave
you took my bones and breath
I'm a paper bag
I am just dead leaves
useless as wreaths
and I'll sit
i'll stay, a good girl
a good girl
I'm great at waiting
Patient like the dead
a professional faker
& suddenly yours, nonetheless

The sea has shown me
Many things
Like how to float
How not to sink
To be aware of danger's tales
To live amongst the sharks
The whales
The sea she cures my sores
With salt
Waves that shave my
Every thought
The wind she sends
A scent that melts
Everything I thought I felt
In the sand a name was carved
The waves they came
& Dissolved it off
Nothing left of me and you
I watch the sun pass by the moon
And slide my body through the sand
And swim unseen
Till I see land

tell her
tell them you love them
tell them dramatically so they hear you
say it everyday
remind him
tell him
tell her
make it a big deal
it is a big deal
love is everyday
be grateful for days
for love
for your mother and siblings
for your father and his heart
you only have now
it comes and goes by the second
grab all of those seconds
and be gentle

I said enough when it wasn't  
my like for a mountain of
mouths to **** time
& I'm still standing in the hallway;
happening upon where it went
or
if you could have helped it
I know I couldn't
when I can hardly stand or
stand it
built a lump of love in the blue dark
during wine
she's just
a woman in jeans
a heavy thought against my knees or
something I think I need to
belong with me

If I'm not told
I am not whole

I don't need your affirmation darling,
but some attention would be nice

mystery is only good for its journey

& I can't go around picking up nothing

silver cup reflection
sip watcher
I'll have it, I'll take two now

let me die beside
something beautiful
even if it won't love me

& say thank you
a hundred times until tomorrow
good morning
late thought hangover
my mind can't wash it

I don't want to say
poetry
during poetry
but nothing helps, so

count down like a rocket
for something less than
a show of sparks
honey, it rains like we do it's
only March

are miles suppose to mean something to me ?
if I don't breathe when I'm with you
if I can't breathe when you leave
it's the same **** thing
[ e v e r y  t i m e  ]
I scribble these lines
I try making them rhyme
am I just wasting mine ?
what is all this time good for ?
torture maybe ?
if miles separate lives
when i'm  dying to find
the right lines to align
and building this frame
with nothing behind it
the sky is the limit
but the sun is so blinding
so I go out at night
and chase moonlight with wine sips
I've learned not to trust wine lips
or lips at all, really
cause i'm afraid of the brain
that makes it all so appealing

I imagine outer space to feel like this.
like;
no matter what, I can't lie down.
seeing a star that close made
all else seem
so much less bright.
I'm unimpressed.
I just want to love again but, you left that spell on me.
my eyes don't see color anymore,
my arms aren't reaching.
you printed poems onto my bones.
my mouth won't let me say marvelous and my hands quit thinking.
I'll turn to dust like this darling.
I'll be a little sandstorm on your
shore for awhile and
dizzily dissolve into your
winsome crashing.

you
you're just a thought in my mind
and i
i'll be fine
without you
( daydream )
you won't hear my calling for
anything at all
and now when I redo us
i'll bust out my big guns
and it'll be nothing like before
cause nobody trusts that
it's done with
i spit it out with my left lung
my third rib
and i finished it off
quivered
cause most of the time it's just like
t h i s  
quivered;
but even the shaken warm again
and i'm fine until then
i'm being p a t i e n t
i'm being complacent with the situation being placed adjacent to my observation
my loss of sensation; inspiration
or the strange complaisant state I relate and stay in
or the location you placed on every plain of our sensation
creates my saddest frustration
that we're past tense
d o n e
I erased it
that at night when you bite down
hard
you still taste it

great love to me is frightening
it's all ache and burn
the
rearranging of breath & bones
justifying anything at all to see that
smile in front of me
I can't
rightfully explain it the way my knees can
or my
right hand but
I like to call it floating
I like to feel that &
sink at the same time \
it's confusing and beautiful;
hours become petals,
heartbeats are worthy and
it is cold settling after this.
it is unbreathable
when the warmth gets wasted

I lay my lighter on the title written Fire
I crawl inside a bedded box
relieve my body of attire
I tend to sleep on the right half
(the left half needs sweeping)
I need to quit seeing you lying there
I need to quit this all-night-drinking

Now who's thinking for me while I think about you ?
certainly not the same brain
that's been trained
to think things t h r o u g h

what do I do now
wanting to do you
do I
sit sit in this room  
& bang myself blue ?
do I do myself stupid
or ask again what to do ?

I am through with it
i'm through
I know just what to do
busting through lust's must
I get fronted by the view
*this front of you

it is
February already
& the rain keeps confusing me on
what day of the week it is.
he says over coffee, how the
storms are keeping him up /
making me grateful for Florida summers.
i made mine too strong & am having another, reminds me how you'd laugh & dispute either
ever being a problem.
i am convinced i'm
happiest with my heart beating like this anyway
and on my way back downstairs
i look down passed my knees & think
if feet shook like hands i'd
probably take up flying

I am stuck on this surface
with man eating serpents
that tear down your layers
and turn you into servants
with sharp daring teeth
and disease ridden purpose  
they'll eat you for breakfast
and save your hands for dessert
it's a plan for the worst
if you think that you deserve it
if you think you're worth more
than speak profound for the wordless
don't look down when you're nervous
these words will burn through your dermis
fight for what it's worth
our souls patrol for what's important
it's your soul that has a purpose
it's your right and you deserve it
speak for what you love
for love confirms the earth's performance

My words
these words
to her they mean nothing
I feel like burnt bread
left stale in the oven
she wants
she wants
me to feel
and feel all of these things
but she wants nothing to do
with the one
thing
that means
[everything]
to me

it is when I sit with
beautiful things
I am reminded that
nothing ever keeps;
the words might smear or
the air should dampen
and if
you should not believe me
ask the flower what it is like for her
at nighttime and then
ask her to repeat it
explain to her
what it is like to be
lived in

I lost all my thoughts 

in a knot 
when I saw her

my brains playing games 

a dropped jaw

and i slobbered
Her face is a maze

I’m amazed when she smiles

I get lost in this cause

& in her eyes 
I run miles
that neck

now i’m wrecked

in between both her shoulders 

I want badly to sip

from her lungs 

and to hold her
My eyes follow paths

down her back 

and I ponder 

to turn my eyes into hands

a lascivious squander

I've spent my morning
reading, dreaming
I listened to the rain
oh how the drops, they hit my roof
each one spelling out your name
each letter is it's own
every drop
a little fuller
& in the wet
I catch my breath
I see it pouring as I pull her
if I replace the steam that I now breathe
my gasps won't seem as cruel
that I might look up at the sky
my dear
& all I see is you

I'm having beer for breakfast
& you're nowhere around
freed a completed checklist
of my spine spiraling down
I'm queen
I'll eat you legless
your knuckles form my crown
through your deep breathing down
your knees become my necklace
and I'm pushing through your sounds  
it's the bed that's shaking now
but you feel it in the ground
your sweat has met the sheets
and through your bones
I feel you now
between our breaths
we're chest to chest
I fumble through your brown
with every strand tied in my hand
and both your lips against my mouth

you know from the moment
you
stop feeling beautiful
she said it
wasn't suppose to matter
and
I always want
what's
gone

& you're always gone
so what's beautiful
without your forearm
without our throats
& when I can't hear you

cause I'm not writing poetry
I'm filing a complaint
in a love letter
to your name

you're about as
quiet as lightning
& just as much ;
you put the light in it
I'm counting down from two-thousand,
slowly
quitting breakfast and everything early
that bird can keep it like:
what am I supposed to do if I can't have you
what kind of a sudden is it breathing cause I have to \
****** the gasps I caught you stealing-
Saturday mourning on Wednesday's feelings
saying
I like Monday cause, Friday's fleeting

I own the rest of my hair, you know
you own my body
I'm as open as the screen-door you broke
& you did handstands for someone else already
otherwise I'd listen, cause
I can't find the lyrics in splitting
can't find the best in bleeding
that love was airplane-waiting
that love was
silent begging, restless leg\
restless blinking
rip the
day out my weeks baby
till all I keep lie sleeping

what could she say for me to lose you ... ?
i'm in a war against keep
fighting an army of loose truth
& if you win, who loses ?
& if you lose, do I approve blue ?
it isn't sane for me to choose clues
over an ocean of proved truth

what do I lose if I lose you ?
all of my come-trues
have become you
& if you lose me, do you lose ?
I'm not this someone to hold onto
we can expand views if you choose to
open a window or your mouth
either will do
not to confuse strews with don't do's
I am through with all this proving
I'm a wanter wanting all of you
ensuing all this sousing

My pocket is glowing
In most places it happens magically
But tonight it's just someone texting
grief and tragedy

how I'm all but
suffocated
by the story of her
wake
& somehow she is always
busy;
I've crawled so far
out of my way

I cannot stand to
sit and listen
to my heartbeat falling faint
its own pulsation makes me dizzy
& veins paint painfully her face


so I can call it quitting
now that everything's turned grey
& all my cannot haves are useless
just like, loving you this *way

I lie awake in the waves of the wake you left me in
My lungs fill with water until my chest bursts open
My body is a lake again
I know I make mistakes but I can't fake like I can displace your skin
I sink deep with every crash
Let me in
Let me in
Let me in
Let me

the representative of insensitive 
needs what kind of incentive?

to be bigger than this 
without risking intention?

i’m wishing she’d listen

how I wish she would l i s t e n 

to the thoughts that i drop 
on her deaf comprehension 

she swallows discretion 

she f o r g e t s to mention 

about her horns that grow thorns 

that envelope her dimensions

I woke up early
& went outside where the ducks were sleeping
I thought about seeing you
I did this all morning
the air was cold & wet
my shoes were off

I didn't have coffee today

a n d
*I really can't wait to see you

That moment between
Asleep & dreaming
My brain plays your face for me
& suddenly you're streaming
I'm dreaming
I'm dreaming
My pillows keep beams of you
My sheets too
& you're being seen
You're being dreamed of
& because of this treat
I could sleep for weeks
Easily

I'm trying my best
Woman
To let go of you now
So the aching might stop
& breaking my bones
Trying to shake you off
Climbing to figure out how
I lost like this
& you don't want it anymore
I've cracked through my chest
& slammed shut all my doors
On the floor
is where I belong now
crawling all my thoughts
If you could see my mind
You'd know you are not forgotten
& I have not let go yet
I don't know where to start
I use to start by kissing you
But not this time
This time I fall apart

I'm crawling
I'm crawling
I'm calling you, woman
my holy intrusion
I'm confused but still moving
I've been known to breathe like lakes do
been known to freeze
did you think I was blind
do you think I can't see ?
clearly
we all have our beasts
but mine is scaled and rather frail
and yours was born with teeth
so roar for me
and I'll feed you my body
you cannot hunt for my blood
after you've chosen to swallow me;

see i'm no old woman
and you are no wolf
with your fairy-tale face
your storybook looks
and oh what big eyes you have
no better way to haunt me
than the pain stains on my hands
from me and all my wanting

I'm inside of the d*** on purpose;
the last couple of plates you've dropped
& kept eating from, and I wish you'd just be careful.

I only wanted for the grass on this side to stay green, but I certainly wouldn't have minded if you sat down.

I don't like trying to squeeze between your ribs but I know I left something good there.
Like, how I should have been less than a stranger the longer we kissed until it backfired and now it's the mouth making all of my decisions while your hand covers my heart.

& It was never about bodies /
I wouldn't know how to worship anything
& peace of mind has never been very gently priced so I'll overpay in the form of self destructive predicaments and overused adjectives, pretending everything's okay when I can't hear any of the rhymes anymore.

I'm in a little bit of a rush here
still I'm
trying much softer /
speaking in grey, untying my
tongue
biting the side with your name on it /
be something other than beautiful
say something other than rain
liar's lullaby, a
fool's morning
feeding off the extra
& I'm to do it over again ¿
twice removed.
in your shoes.
under my spell.
over coffee.
put on the Beach Boys this time
drink *****
stay up 2 hours longer
I'll see you again, I swear
when there is, less grass and
when you call her
do it in the other room
the cold one, way in the back

my lips, limbs
this skin
I don't recognize them
I breathe out
& breathe in
my lungs do without it
how did it begin
to then end
before it is poured
I am opening doors
it is yours
this is yours
I'm picking my sores
& my bones off the floor
I cannot bend anymore
all of my laces have torn
& I'll front-face a storm
I haven't a fear of disaster
it is my hope that gets choked
& sharp pains replace laughter
what did I look like before this
& who's is this voice
what comes after you've left
I do not have a choice

I've not been known to nest low
I've stayed fairly high
but I've been let go to shatter
& glass birds do not fly

Let's start with some words
before we go any further
before I get lost in this world
that exists on your shoulders
before I allow you to break me in
& wear me out
I'm about to convince my nerve endings
that we need to fly south
but I flout
I doubt bouts
as I
shut
down
my mouth
in fear of every word
burning
my insides & out
cause they are loud
& it shrouds me
like a cloud or thick smoke
you evoke this hoax that I've drowned in
& throw boats down my throat
how can I float in a landslide ?
it's making me dizzy
how can I grow if your lies are what's keeping me busy?
it's misery really
& the feel won't fulfill me
so I dump myself out and rebuild what i'm missing
I spilled all the will I had left for this feeling

I am ashamed of my love for you
when all of the earth is denied
but without you

(& oh, how I live without you)

I am compiled
I'm:
undersupplied

sleeping beside
a mirage of sleeping next to you
this constant reprieve

I'm being denied response
denied life
denied pride
self deprived
watch me, deny grief
I deny I
so many times
like time denies life
then I deny me

oh
p l e a s e

have me
so I can find *s l e e p

You see;
Keeping a dog on the leash
is not easy
Cause chasing tail is so
incredibly appeasing
The pull teases until you release my leash
My teeth breaking through petals of meat
I'm chewing through
your shoes and excuses
I'm a nuisance when i'm loose
But you already knew this
Throw me a bone here
I'm starved for your scraps
I'd sit in your lap
but you're afraid that i'll attack
you're afraid that if this strap snaps
I'll run fast and never come back
bribe me with snacks
& take naps with me
lets be happy
I'll show you how good I can be
without my leash
One day, you'll see it
but by then i'll be gone
someone else's dog
someone else's add on

the last few nights
i've been writing
frightened
trying to decide
what's right
in my mind
but i'm blinded
by this time
this time
this space
it doesn't make sense to me
to erase you
while
you replace me
i've never felt so empty
as i do
right now
reaching out to you
and knowing you
don't want it
i'm being selfish
i can't accept this
and pounding my head
against this table
why do i torture myself
when she doesn't want me

I curled up
fervently
on this California morning
in the gaps that built your back
you told me i'd been snoring

I wondered what you'd thought about
arrested in your sleep
you took my arm around your *******
& you said you'd dreamt of me

you're all I see
you're all I see
she thoughtfully repeats

I see you in my sleep my love
I see you where I breathe
& under trees, between my knees
I hear you when I speak
& from April until March
you're the leaves beneath my feet

silently
so silently
I squirmed in this defeat
I have this fear of always leaving
a deer who runs from anything
I can't be all you see I said
& open up your eyes
I don't trust periphery
and the heart it often lies

she held on even tighter
& choking on her fill

then I will love you while you let me
like this
for this
I will
I will

I searched for nothing
& On the ground is where I found it
I was astounded at how loud
all of it sounded
Nothingness
Like a crowd with no boundaries
I found out the hard way
Like I got hit in the knees
With a hammer
******* her
& All of these seasons
I'd have better reasons
If I had two hands to believe in
I'm tangled in strands
Strangled and clamped by her breathing
I'm damaged by dampness
thigh handling freedom
I breathe in again
Just until I breathe out
Still filled up with nothing
It's pouring
out
of
my
mouth

it's early; 7:17
first things first
I push open the window
the morning soaks my sweater
my skin quickly drenches in its chill
I think of you
the flowers are blooming and resting on the window screen
alongside a large mosquito
I ignore her & she ignores me
I make coffee
inhaling a breeze created for me
it is easy clinging to these things
a lot like leaves do their trees
& much like them
I fall slow
but it's spring now & the birds are sipping and singing
that Raven with her suddenly, loud solo
against a white canvas
painting the only image that exists during these
isolated seconds
& I thought of you
it sounds sweet sometimes
it even tastes as such
but much easier is it, t y p e d  o u t
*t h a n  d o n e

I want a woman to scour
& beat me with flowers
for hours to tower my
tightened empowerment
delighted by sight
at what hasn't been sighted
i'd be delighted if just for a night
you'd sit right by side
but that hasn't been quite yet decided
for a while sit tight and at night fight the silence
the silence of quiet excitement / be frightened
but don't be afraid of my plight
be delighted
i want to crawl all of your ribs
count your bites
i tried twice to fly right by your mind
to entice it
but tonight I just write to
make bright on my mind
on my mind you shine brightly
in my mind you're like lightening
and kindly I'm blinded
your beauty is blinding
I'd like to rewind
to remind
and remind
and remind
and remind you