Your still drowning in my mind,
           you do this on purpose.

                                                Calamity on the surface,

waves of comm
                             uni
                                      cation dead

Floating in the ocean of my head

                                        Among the graveyard of ships,
       and all left for dead.
                                                                   Lies all of the things

that we left
                                    unsaid.

She was there when
I first rode a two wheeler
All by myself
She was the one who
Grabbed the back of the seat and gently pushed me along
Helping me to stay balanced
Letting me go at the perfect moment
Hugging me
Telling me how proud she was
When I finally got it

She was there when
I mastered the chain stitch
She taught me how
She encouraged me when
I got frusterated
And threw the needle and yarn down in disgust and defeat
She's the one who said
You can do it
Keep trying

She was there when
I landed my first backside boardslide
She had him build the ramp and rail
For me
So I could practice
And get better
She clapped when
I did it
She smiled and said
I knew you could

She was there when
I was first really introduced to Christianity
She told me about God
His awesome power
His amazing grace
She answered my questions
Pushed me to
Look closer
Delve deeper

But
She was also there when
I was hurt
Beyond any comprehensibly reason
She was the grand master of my pain
Directing the show with
Biting words and
Slicing actions
She was the one who
Made the demands
She was the one who sat and watched
Hand on my thigh
Stroking
As he whipped his ***** against the side of my face
As he licked places that should not be licked
She was the one who
Smacked
And yelled
And kissed
And touched

Yes
She did all these things
And this,
This is why
My heart overflows with conflict
And nothing,
Not a single thing
Makes any sense
I feel a strange sense of attachment and care
But in the same moment I am gripped with boiling hatred
My brain is twisted into
A spiraled mess of indecision
And I just want
Out
To not feel sick
But
Normal
To know that what I feel is true
And right

But I can't
And I don't

One of the most frustrating things,
is when people say they know how I feel.
Frankly, no you don't.
I'm not discrediting the burden you are saddled with,
as your trials and tribulations may have been great,
but you can't possibly know how I feel.
Can you possibly comprehend what its like
to feel empty? to feel nothing?

Sometimes,
people take it a step further.
When talking about being hurt,
they feel the need to relate a story
about how they overcame
the tragedy of a passed away family pet
or one time daddy didn't buy them everything.

While those may be instances of pain,
pain and hurt are two separate categories entirely.
Pain is short term. Temporary.
Hurt can be eternal.
Something you don't just
"get over".

At least the people who say things like
"get over it" aren't misguided.
They don't understand,
but at least they haven't deceived themselves
into thinking they know what it's like to hurt.

Abuse after abuse
scar tissue forming over broken nerves
only reflect the inner hollowness
of no more feeling.

Ever so often a flair of hurt
wears down the numbed barriers
becoming the only thing that's real.

You can't tell me you know how
I feel.

Because I don't feel. Not anymore.

Its tough
growing up in a world
when you never feel like
you're good enough.
When people walk out
so frequently
and almost certainly
where you just come to expect it.

Its hard
not having someone
who you can go to
in a time of need.
When everywhere you look
people shy away
only out for their
own selfish ambitions.

Its difficult
trying to be a kid,
being carefree
not having a care in the world.
When you're ****** with responsibility
of making sure you
will be warm, fed, safe
only after your sister is the same.

Its exhausting
making sure you
keep walking on eggshells,
fearful of messing up.
When making a mistake,
only results
in disappointed stares,
if you're lucky.

Its painful
getting whipped and belted
as you feel the flesh
being ripped away from your bones.
When you would
do almost anything to make it stop,
crying out for help but nobody comes.
You're alone.

Its eternal
when the savagery
goes far beyond
mere fragments of memories.
When repressing and blocking them out
doesn't work,
little things, big things
make you jump, flinch, hesitate.

Its saddening
knowing that I'm not the only one
that grew up this way,
its some kind of trend.
When there's a line
that people blatantly cross
leaving fading scars
along with haunting nightmares.

I'm not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box,
but hey,
at least I'm in the box.
If only sometimes.
More frequent than not,
I'm content to break out,
do my own thing,
but really, its just
running away.
Wether it be
making jokes so that nothing is too serious,
keep my distance,
so they won't matter,
because then it can't hurt.
I've been worn down to the nub,
as dull an indigo Crayola as you've ever seen,
label peeling off, stepped on, cracked.

It's true that each color has its own flare,
its own brilliance,
its own
beauty,
if only to the artist overseeing.
So while I may not always know
the plan God has in store for me,
who am I to stop resisting,
even if the design
is still an empty page
waiting to be explored.

Do you ever have those moments
When life just seems
Too ridiculous to be true
Like you're going to wake up
And everything will have been
Made up
Fictitious
Not real
The last month
No, really
The whole last year
Has me
Feeling like
That

But for one of the first times in my life
It's because
Everything has so perfectly aligned
Fallen into its rightful places
Places I didn't even see
Places that popped up and surprised me
Delighted me
Amazed me
Reminded me why
Life is wonderful

Yes, recently,
Life rocks
I am excessively happy
All the time
The corners of my mouth
Turn down for what?
Nothing.
And no one can take that from me
Because I have a Savior who died for me
I have a God who answers my prayers
Every single day

My circumstances seem confusing
They make no sense on the surface
But deeper, deeper they do
They make all the sense in the world
And deeper,
Deep down inside
I know
I am definitely not dreaming
No, not even close
This is the most authentic,
The most real love
I've ever experienced

All day long
Kids come up to me
Holding up
A ****** elbow
A scraped knee
A paper cut finger
A rug-burned hip
Usually crying
They beg for a band-aid
They want help
Desperately, they sob until
The band-aid is firmly in place
And I've given them a hug
Then they are okay
A smile often returns to their chubby cheeks
I send them off to play again

What I'm wondering is
At what point did I
Stop
When did I stop asking
When was I no longer more than willing to
Cry out for help,
Help that I knew was there and willing

At some point
I decided I would be fine
Walking around
All ******
I convinced myself
Somewhere along the ride
I could make it
Without the band-aid