You are so intoxicating
I am already an addict
Hopelessly craving your kiss
Anxiously waiting for your
Lips to touch my skin
And then I am lost
My brain is tripping
On the sensation
And all the feelings that accompany your lips
When you leave
I count down the hours
Until I will see you again
Already lusting for the next fix
Of you and everything you are
Wanting for the rush of emotions
Coursing through my veins with unequaled passion
Flooding my brain with impossibly beautiful scenarios

That day was very overwhelming. So many people to meet and new things to learn. I was scared, but excited because  literally anyone I met had the potential of being my friend and any boy could be my future husband, just walking around. Not knowing yet that I existed.
You groaned when you saw my twangy taste in music.
You said this radio station didn't play that.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Ah, if only
If only sentences floated out of mouths
Through ears and then disappeared
Evaporated into the atmosphere
Like a foggy morning that the sun burns away
Long forgotten by ten am
But instead, they linger
Like smog overtaking a city
Consuming light
Choking out beauty
Words, turning to acid
Burning themselves into me
Seared into my flesh

My bones are sticks
My heart a stone

When we die
We're all alone

I don’t really care for cigarettes
I grew up with asthma
So the idea of anything affecting
My lungs is
Unappealing at best

But watching you light up
Inhaling that smoke
Tasting it on your beard
It’s intoxicating

In my dreams you’re just as unattainable as in my waking life. But at least in my dreams I can touch you.

I think about you
Quite often, actually

Dreaming of what it would be like
To be together

I mean, literally dreaming
You’re in my dreams all the time

Just this morning
You were there

We were sitting in a crowd
On bleachers

And I was hold your hand
Your entire arm, actually

I wouldn’t let go
Because I had finally gotten you

And your skin was soft
So soft

It felt just like it does in real life
Those beautiful times I could touch you

It’s been years
And my dreams are still this vivid

I don’t really understand what that means
But it makes me feel...

Sadness
Loss
Comfort
Joy

A million conflicting ideas
Because every dream is so real

But in every dream we don’t end up together
And somehow even my unconscious mind

Knows that that must be how it will always be
Never quite together

At least for now

Rilke is wrong
Life isn't right
There is too much pain
Too much hurt
Not enough light

The darkness consumes
It cannot be beat
One must just stand all alone
Shaking from head down to feet

He has to fight the outside
To improve the within
The bleakness is heavy
His strength is wearing thin

How much longer can he fight
To feel goodness and warmth
When wrong seems so easy
Cold, evil winds blow in from the north

Chilled to the bone
From a murderous gust
He digs deep in his brain
To remember to trust

Memories spring to life
The blackness fades to grey
His face smiles a bit
And suddenly, it is not such a horrible day

His soul begins to warm
He envisions a time
When someone picked him up so high
His spirit continues to climb

All darkness is gone now
The gloomy shadow has passed
Sunshine has replaced it
Out it has been cast

It is not finished forever
This he surely knows
But next time he will be ready
To stand firm until over it blows

Life may not be right
But perhaps it's not wrong
He realizes this now
And right now
He is immeasurably strong

I don't think you did it on purpose
But as we sat and ate and talked
You weren't sitting across from me
It was just a slight angle to the right
But it made everything feel different
Like we really have broken apart

You're right
I've been selfish
I've been keeping Matthew
All to myself
Hoarding his affection
Storing up his kisses all over my skin
Willing myself to remember every sweet thing he says
So if I'm sad or lonely
I just have to search my brain a little bit
To feel better
Because he does that so well
He makes me feel better
And happy
And cared for
And loved
I think I'm making him feel those things too
And I want you guys to know
I don't want you to think this is some
Silly fling that I don't care about
I care
I care so so much
I want to show you
But not right now
Right now, I am trying to remember what it feels like
To be genuinely happy
And cared for
And loved
So, I'm sorry for being selfish with your friend
I just don't want this overwhelming joy to end

I hold on too long

Even after something is long dead and gone

I sit, clutching the ashes

Desperately trying to force them back

Into what used to be

I love your huge green eyes
I love your bony, jointy hands
What a perfect fit
I love when you rub my leg,
Almost absent-mindedly
I love when you glance over at me and smile
I love when you kiss me
I love it even more when you pull away
And we both smile
I love when you hug me and hold on tight
I love listening to you talk about your family
I love staying up until 6am on the cold, janky stairs
I love our picnic of grapes and mac and cheese
I love when you walk up behind me and
Press yourself into my back
I love how your write
I love those ridiculous floral flip flops
I love that sweatshirt you stole from your mom
You look so carefree and cuddly when you wear it
I love the effortless way you dress
I love listening to you sing
I love your Conrad Birdie swagger
I love having tiny dance parties with you backstage
I love not feeling like I have to hold onto my thoughts
I love when you open up to me
I love how hard you're working to make yourself better
I love how much you love your friends
And how much they love you
I love that you didn't tell me what I should do
You just said, "I think you know what you should do."
I love that I don't have to guess how you feel about me
Or wonder if you care
Everything you do shows me how much you do
I love anticipating your messages
I love how free and easy this is
I love that you make me want to write poetry

I have been thinking it
For a while
I know it's only been a few weeks
But after you read that poem to me
And I got a glimpse
Further into your mind
I realized that
I love you
I'm not in love
Yet
But I am sure that will come
You're easy to fall for

I see my eyes flashing
Leaping from word to word
Getting lost in the script
I hear my voice cutting
Slicing through the ends of syllables
Spitting out the text
I can feel my hands shaking
Longing to grip something
To squeeze the life out of it
I can feel my heart racing
Bubbling over in anger
Filling with hurt
And that's why I can never read it to you
You can't know my real feelings
They would break you like they broke me

The walls are lined with figures
Studies
Sketches
Paintings
All filled with colorful bodies
Moving
Dancing
Undulating
So, why is it that a drawing
Graphite
Bones
Skulls
Seems the most alive?

How dare you treat me like a dispensable  
Nothing
I gave up so many things for you
I did so many things for you
I let go of myself for you
I loved you more than anyone ever has or ever will
But go ahead
Walk away from that
Toss me in the trash
Throw me away
Get rid of the person who
Loved you unconditionally
Cared about you more than she cared about herself
Always went out of her way to relieve your stress
She wasn't perfect, but she certainly tried
Just for you
All of that for you
You
Who couldn't see
That I am
Funny
Sweet
Caring
Loyal
Silly
Intelligent
Brave
Dedicated
Cha­rming
Honest
Clever
Unique
Witty
Beautiful
Strong
Determined
Gracious
Talented
And a million other things
Look at this list, Ryan
Look what you're missing out on
Look how selfish you're being
Look how much you've hurt me
Look in the mirror and tell me that who you see is
Really you
Tell me that he is the person doing all this
Tell me you can give all this up without batting an eye
Tell me that you never cared
Don't hold anything back
Don't lie
Tell me.
And while you're at it,
Throw in a real, heartfelt apology
Get down on your knees
Kiss my feet
And with tears in your eyes
Say "sorry" over and over
And over
For how you used me
And my generosity
For how you sat back and watched
As I drown in a love that was no longer real
Apologize for being an arrogant ****
Apologize
Because I deserve it
I deserve a lot of things
Much more than you've given me for the last half of a year
I deserve to be
Cherished
Loved
Respected and
Valued
I deserve more than what you are right now
And I want you to tell me.

You pig-headed ****
Don't you dare tell me how I feel
I know I am no more entitled than
You or anyone else
I just want you to know that I care
That I'm stressed
That I'm trying so hard to make this perfect
That I have tunnel vision
And that the pinprick of light
At the end
Is him

If this ever goes south,

Blame me.

It's eating me alive
Knowing you're somewhere
Alone
Trapped and stuck
Knowing I can't do
Anything
Nothing to help
I just want to reach out
Grab your hand
Never let go
Make it better
Fix it
Take away all your stress
All the problems and confusion
But I can't
So, I'll just sit here
And type
About how useless I feel

I think that sometimes
It is easier to think of rain
As the tears of a thousand souls
Than just a simple weather phenomena

You're not you
I love you
You are happy
You like to have fun
You enjoy my presence
You kiss me all over
You aren't drowning in life
But this person who I hung onto for the last six months,
He's not you
I don't love him
He's stressed out
He doesn't care
He no longer loves me
But I firmly believe that he's not you
So I'll just wait for you to come back
Because I really believe you will

You'd think it would hurt, seeing your all the time
Deep stabs to my heart when I catch your eye
But I'm so glad we get to see each other everyday
Those little moments mean so much
A glance, a nod, a tap from your umbrella
Anything to let me know you still care
Even if it's just a little bit
And out of habit
But soon, you won't be here anymore
I won't see you
You won't see me
You'll fade away
And I'll be so sad
The dull pain will lessen maybe, but
This slow ache is going to **** me

You and I
Different,
But inextricably linked
Together

You said it perfectly,
We are two sides of the same coin

What I wouldn't give
To lean into you
And feel you press back into me
To place a quick kiss on your neck
When no one is looking
To stay up until 4am
Gossiping about nothing
To know you're still in love with me
And you plan to stay that way
To be promised forever
And have that promise be kept

I miss you
I miss holding you
I miss winking at you
I miss talking to you
I miss feeling as though I'm yours

Yeah, this new guy is exiting
I'm in love with his eyes
I care about him a lot
But I don't love his entire being
Like I do yours
I love everything about you
Really, I do
No matter what
You couldn't do anything to me to make me stop
I care too much
I love you too much
I hope you come back
In the future
I hope you see how perfect we are for each other
I hope I get to love you forever
Like I planned.

I can feel your gaze on my face
Staring at every line, freckle, imperfection
Seeming to memorize each of them
Trying to peer into my soul
Attempting to learn everything about me
By just looking
With those eyes
Those stunning, deeply lidded, green eyes
A green that is filled with a million stories
I could get lost in those beautiful eyes
And for a while,
I just might

I thought I would feel more sad
A little heartbroken
Like I was missing something
But I don't
I don't feel anything,
Really

You used to write me poetry

Now all you feel is anxiety

And I am left with what used to be

I have stopped eating as much as usual

It just does not seem so necessary

And besides,

This way my empty heart has

My empty stomach to keep it company

Right now everything is scary
It's new, foreign
A little foggy and unclear
But there is so much potential
You have so much talent
You're not sure what exactly is going to happen
But neither am I
All I know is that
Through these last few crazy years
We've stood by each other
Solid, faithful
Always there
So strong
But now you're scared
And you've closed your eyes
Shut out the love and support
You cut the chain to the anchor holding you safely in the harbor

Your mom is blind
The kind where she can only see fuzzy outlines of shapes

You're blind, too
The kind where you can't see how much I love you

If my skin could talk,
it would tell tales about every mark, blemish and scar.
It would fondly remember the day each freckle arrived,
and how the sun had kissed it and
left a permanent reminder of that day.
It would ooze hard work and the
sweat that accompanies such accomplishments.
It would rave about all the wonderful places it has been and all the people it has touched and been touched by.
It would profess its love of texture and materials.
It would call out, begging to be near to another,
Longing for the warmth and love of affection.
If my skin could talk,
It would not worry about being anything but itself.
It would not be concerned with its hue
or that it had a different amount of melanin than another.
It would not hate when it came into contact with something not like itself.
No, instead it would draw the outsider in
surround itself with this foreigner,
learning the marks, blemishes and scars of the new individual, recognizing similarities and embracing contrasting characteristics.

If my my skin could talk, it wouldn’t see; it would feel.

I didn't mean it like that
I didn't mean to make it sound like a personal attack
I didn't mean to fill your head with thoughts that shouldn't exist
I didn't mean for you to think like me
I didn't mean for you to be afraid
I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't mean to cause doubts
Because doubts eat at your insides
They gnaw your vital organs
And to live,
You have to get rid of the doubts
And that would mean
Getting rid of me
And I certainly did not mean that.

I don't want you to be in your bed.
I want you to be here
Talking with me
Letting me calm your fears
Pet your hair
Tell you it's going to be okay
That I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't say all the right words
At all the right times
I want you to wake up
Please
Wake up
Come here and let me fix this
Fix you.
I don't want you to be in bed
I don't want you to be asleep unless
It's with me
Forever

You know those blank pages at the end of a book?
The ones there just to make the other pages with numbers line up?
Yeah. Those.
Those are for me.
I get to fill them with all the things that the book didn't say.
All the emotions and double meanings woven
Between the lines.
Scribbled hastily in the margins
The can all be neatly compressed into that
Great
White
Expanse at the end
All the words there mean more than any plot a chapter could hold.
These paragraphs tell a different tale.
One without page numbers or punctuation marks.
One that is constantly evolving.
Something only I understand.
Only I can see all the things I made up.
The things I let bloom from nothing into nothing.
I create stories so fantastical no would could believe them.
No one can understand.
It's all assumptions and hurt.
Compilations of innocent, mistaken gestures.
The paper holds a ticking time bomb. Waiting to explode and destroy every relationship I've ever had.
Because probably, none of it is real.
I am the protagonist and the antagonist.
The villain and the hero.
The winner and the loser.
No. Just the loser.
The stupid girl who created a magical world she couldn't escape from.
She allowed letters and words to imprison her.
And the worst part?
The words aren't even real.
But I'm still stuck between The End and the back cover. In those stupid, empty pages.
Trapped in my own delusions.

Remember "Rocking Chairs"?

Are you still going to want me there then?

I don't understand how you could.

I am writing this to remind you
Of what used to be
And still is

There is still a light
At the end of the tunnel

Right now,
It's dark
Gone
Black
Non-existent

Maybe it's been 20 years without light
Maybe you've only ever seen
Small swatches
Shadows dancing on the walls
Only to look again
And see nothing but an
Empty
Dark plane
Void of anything
Especially happiness

But just because you can't see it
Doesn't mean it's not there
And what a shame it would be
To give up without ever knowing
How close you were
To the brilliant
Joyful
Saving
Light.

Today, I realized that I'm a foot.

And not just the bones, ligaments and muscles

A body part with an attitude

See, I get cocky.

I think,

"Wow. You are the foot. You get the entire body where it needs to go. You support all the weight; bear all the load. You're in control."

It wasn't until today that I realized

That what being a foot really means

Is that I get

Dirtied

And stepped on

And controlled

By everything else above me.

**** the system.
The regimalized plan
That "Works for Everyone. "
That funnels persons from
Different backgrounds
And stories
And wounds
Down into the
Same
Dark
Lonely
Standard
Tired
Broken
****** up mass of ****.

Instead of helping
Your "Standard Procedure"
Just added to
The beaten down
Bleeding
Non-believing
Exhausted
Pile of hurt.

It's wrong.
That saying
The, "No one can love you until you learn to love yourself."
It's incorrect.
Senseless even.

You don't have to love yourself to have someone do the same.
In fact,
I think it's the people who don't love themselves
Are loved the most.

Others see their hurt
And reach out
Open their hearts

Let feelings of
Concern
Appreciation
Respect
Friendship

Love.
Enter in

The self-loathing one just doesn't know.
Or doesn't want to

They're blind
Eyes covered by a blindfold
Held securely in place by
Doubt
Fear
Hate
Anger
Regret
A past where something
Sometime
Lots of times
Went awry.

They can't trust themselves
Or anyone else because of that.

It's not easy to love someone like this.
It takes
Work
Determination
Persistence
Many different things

Some people will throw in the towel
Say it's too hard
Not worth it
But not everyone

A select few will stick around and love The loveless person
Shower them in appreciation
Cover them with love

So, don't think for
One
Single
Second
That you aren't loved

You are.

By me.
By others.
By God.

And all of us will be here
When you finally remove
The caked on
Mud
Dirt
The blinding debris
From experiences past

We will be here

When you can finally see just what about yourself is worth loving.

I'm afraid you're not The One
And I'm wasting both our time

I'm afraid you don't know me anymore
That you have to be around me to know me

I'm afraid you're taking me for granted
Remind me why you love me

I'm afraid I'll break your heart
Please don't let me be right

I'm afraid this will end like very other time
Stay in my life

I'm afraid I'm blinded by fear
It's not your fault

I'm afraid it's not just the situation
It's just you causing confusion; doubt

I'm afraid this has run its course
Will we still be friends?

I'm afraid you are The One
So I can't let it go

I'm afraid this is all it will ever be
I can't do that to you

I'm afraid of this whole situation.

And I hate it.

I want to ask you everything and nothing
I want to know all of you
I want to dig down to the bottom
Dredge your lake
Find out everything
The good, the bad
And the unthinkable

I'm just worried
That if I search too deep
Go too far
Push too hard
That the only thing I'll be left with
Is a corpse

There will be parts of you
Remnants
Pieces
Maybe just shards
Floating on top of waves
Being pushed and pulled for eternity
Because I wanted to know too much

The lake in my town is
Beautiful
Calming
Crisp and blue

But only if I look from a certain distance.
Until I break the smooth, glass surface and dive down
Run, jump off the dock and splash
I've  shattered the calm

I'm in the water
It's surrounding me
Cooling me down
Wrapping me up
Bringing me pleasure by its simple existence

Still underwater, I open my eyes
This is not what it seemed
This isn't how it should be
It's dark
Swirling
I can't see anything
It's all green, full of foreign things

I put my feet down
And they sink into mud
How can this be?
How can something so shining and clear be so...
So different than it seems?

It's *****
Through no fault of its own
Full of sticks and silt and plants
All these, these things invaded the lake
Cluttered it up
Took it over

It was powerless to resist
It couldn't
Do
Anything
A victim of circumstance
A battered man in the side of the highway with no Good Samaritan to come to the rescue

For years
It just is
Crashing, pulling, ebbing, flowing
Hiding
Concealing the mess it really is
Just a few feet down

Don't be sad for Silver Lake
All hope is not lost
It doesn't have to be this way forever
The DNR is going to dredge it

It will take time
But eventually
The lake will be clean
No mud
No tree branches
No blue-green algae
It will be free of all the stifling pressure
Of everything it's been holding in for so long

Then,
It will be just how it looks to me now
Beautiful
Precious
Lovely
Pure
Bright
Calm

Free.

Tonight
Standing at the sink
In the bathroom
I remembered

I remembered that
Eventually,
When we don't live
Happily ever after
That you'll be gone

And I'll be sad
And confused
And a different kind of empty than I've ever felt before.

Do you wanna be my friends again?
Please come back and stay
I can't talk to you anymore
How long are we going to do this for?
We used to be best buddies
And now we're not
I know exactly why
I will take all the blame
I just want things to be the same

Do you wanna come back in my life?
We can sit together at lunch again
Me texting you is overdue
I have no one to talk to
What happened to how things had been?
It's a little lonely
All these empty stares

Please I know they're in there
Those feelings you used to have
I know that they're still in there
Give me another chance, let me back in
We only had each other
Now we're both alone
It feels like I have no air

Do you wanna come to me again?

No? Okay, bye.

This is the end

There is no coming back this time

I set fire to the bridge

You so carefully walked on before

It went up in flames

And I let it happen

I thought that's what I wanted

That in the end

It was better for both of us

But now

All I want is to come

Crashing

Barreling

Sprinting across

The swinging rope bridge

Into your heart

Arms

And mind

But I can't go back now

Because flames destroy

I wish I wasn't such  pyromaniac

Playing around with fire

And your heart

You know that thing about not knowing what you have until it's gone?

Well, I did know. But I wanted you gone anyway.

So you would stop loving me. So I wouldn't break you.

But now all I want is to have you back. Because this time, I broke me.

We broke up yesterday
And we weren't even dating

But it feels exactly the same as I remember
It's just like last April

I'm staring at your from across the lunchroom
Knowing I shouldn't

But hoping and praying
I'll catch your eye

I just want to see you smile at me again
Like you used to

So in love
So perfect for me

I want to text you
Talk to you

Tell you about my day
Read your funny messages

But I can't
Because I broke the part of you that cares about me

And I can't get it back
So I'll have to live with what I so desperately desired

But now I know that I never wanted that
And could never handle you going away

Life is still going on
But it's not as fun

And it's only been a day
I'm so lost

Please don't let this be permanent
Please accept my apology

Please don't stop
Loving me