It makes me sad that I can't tell
about all the things that have happened
since we last spoke.

Like: "I've started to smoke."
And you'd tell me to "be careful,"
even though it's ***, not cigarettes.

I finally have a job that wasn't easy to get.
It's that barbecue place I told you about-
the one that hired me in the summer

when we were still together.
I wish you read the poems I wrote you,
and at the same time I'm glad you didn't,

because in them are a lot of things I only admitted
with word and on paper.
Like: "I loved you...

and still do."
I'm not sure if you broke my heart
or just hardened it against everyone frozen.

I was thinking about you most when...
I was going to try to think of something,
but never mind,

because I realized I think about you all the time.
You were my heaven on earth, but thanks to God,
without you, the world's hell.

For all the time I've know you
You've worn a mask upon your face
It appeared beautiful, perfect, and friendly
But now I realize that wasn't the case

For hiding underneath that mask
Was a soldier bent on destruction
Posing as a comrade fighting for good
But following the other side's instruction

You wormed your way into our ranks
And we accepted you as one of our own
But all of us were unaware
Your true intentions had not yet been shown

When an opportunity presented itself
You struck without any hesitation
Our troops started dropping left and right
Without any sign of infiltration

You knew you only had so long though
Before your actions got you caught
So you moved to abolish your final target
A tougher task than you had thought

That night, when you attacked me
You allowed your mask to fall
And as you fled, I caught a glance
Of the real person beneath it all

Well, "What doesn't **** you makes you stronger"
And you make me tougher every day
Which is why no matter what you do
I refuse to let you stand in my way

I learned some valuable lessons
About how you fight this war
And now those same old boring tactics
Won't work here any more

So thank you for the knife
That you embedded in my back
For you just gave me the tool I need
To defend against any future attack.

You know not of my existence
Though I follow you everywhere
I lurk in the shadows
Waiting for a glimpse of your face
Those intelligent eyes and witty tongue which always gets my heart beating
You notice everything except me
I know you deserve better
But am I selfish in wanting you for myself?

My mind wants to get over this unhealthy obsession
Though my heart can't bear to
I know I love you
Maybe someday you will too

don't think about the way he held you when he saw you cry for the first time. don't think about his smile when you turned around and caught him looking at you. don't remember the sound of his voice whispering your name to see if you were still awake at 2:48 in the morning. don't recall how perfect and warm his hands felt on your body and how gentle he was with you.

don't.

remember him shooting down your ideas and making a mockery of your opinion. remember how he called you pathetic in front of his friends and laughed as you tried to shake it off. think about how he told you that he was glad that you two could joke about anything with each other, after he called you a *****. realize the distance he created in the final weeks in the countdown to snipping the thread that delicately bound your heart to his.

remember him telling you that he never loved you. remember him treating you like a child, remember him calling you beautiful only when you laid on your back on his rough flannel blanket, staring at the ceiling until he decided he was satisfied.

remember waiting for him to text you and call you and talk to you, remember him ignoring you and making you feel worthless.

don't remember how his eyes sparkled when the sunlight hit them in the right spot. don't remember him pulling you close for a kiss.

(i was only in love with the idea of you)

a painful thing is hearing you say that you have never been in love,
a screaming cut is you telling me how hard you were falling two months earlier.

am i an idiot for knowing that i would take you back if you asked me once?
twice?
any number of times?

you are not my downfall.
you are not my hero.

i would do anything for you to love me again.

pathetic is the way that i yearn for your attention,
clawing at anything tangible;
your water slips through my fingers in a
parade of mocking figurines
twirling and fleeting as my grasp tightens
and i end up with less than i started with.

do not think that i am the only one who notices
your frigid civility
and a bitter taste rises through my throat
as i remember the way you gripped it,
squeezing,
screaming

"i'm so sorry"
i forgive you.
no! no! no!

away with my tender thoughts and deceived imagination;
come closer, dear, and i'll show you how much you mean to me:
i hate everything about you,
and i want you to love me back, please.

twist my melancholic soul,
for you have become so cold.

(and i will heal you,
although i cannot remedy myself)