There is a woman
Who loves me like air
She gave me life and she continues doing so
One time she told me to please not smoke anymore
But she has found every way of making sure I know
(Bribe, beg and banter, bring me to tears)
Consistent and persistently
That she isn’t happy with how much of me there is
My flesh offends and worries her
She says that she fears for my health
And she wants me to experience my full potential of youthful beauty
She says she thinks I’m beautiful but others may not
Never considering that the opinion I care about most
Is my own
Concern for my outside more than the inner that she can’t see
My lungs that struggle to breathe
My brain that just tries to function
My afflictions inherited from her
She says she only cares for my happiness and well being
In her eyes taking up less space would solve
All of the problems I experience in life
My anxiety disorder
My insecurities I have had as long as I have been self-aware
My emotional detachment and trouble committing
My concerns about being a good person and a valuable friend

Do you think me so superficial, that my happiness rides on my presentation?
Mother please, if you could read my mind
I love myself for who I am
This flesh is matter, and it can change and shift
It is merely my vessel in this world
I wish you could care about the person I am becoming
As much as what that person looks like

You only existed during the night
You burned cold
Your shadow consumed and
Your smoke filled me up
Thick and heavy

Always intense
Deep feeling
And the end of the world
Never eating or daylight or
living in the real world
No mannerisms or stories
Just darkness and cold

I saw you in the light once
Your shadow obstructed
Your mystery disolved
Through the thinning smoke I saw
Sadness
A cosmos of fear and  hurt
Fueling your cold fire
Burning everything
Eventually
Even you

What a feeling
To feel nothing
Not empty
Parts. Wires. Still there.
Missing a spark
A current

See this
My party trick
Dowsed in wine
Throw myself
Rattling wires

Social un-pleasantries
A scandal of youth
I, unaffected and unaffecting
Nod along
Shout along
Expel words I don't mean
I try on their night

Attempt to make my
Blood slow
Skin still
And wait for electricity

I want the best for you
And I can't stand your pain
But they all want to fix you
And line up to solve your mystery
I'll hold the bags
And try not to let my repugnance show

A creature not worth the drama
Only good for a whiskey blind mistake
To shake off and forget about
Turn their minds to better things
Like you.

After I trash the clothes I wore
And make my bed my own again
I will step into the shower, water scalding
And scrub every inch that was touched by you
Your finger-tips, your breath, your smell
I will scrape away all evidence of you
Until all the skin we shared is washed away
And I will step out, red, raw and clean
Much like a snake, I will have shed my old skin
And stand naked, vulnerable and exposed
To make way to grow
Stronger this time

There is a memory I pull out and read when I can't sleep
A work of fiction -
But like a memory; the feeling remains while the details change
I am in a soft mess of warmth, my body so content I cannot feel it
Eyes closed but I can feel the presence of those who love me most
Because the hand on my back is gentle with no hesitation
And the touch on my hair is absent-minded
A calm assurance, from my own reading or from a friendly voice
"We are all happy, and we will be right here when you wake up"
And I know I am safe
And the passage is seamless

I play my CDs from the beginning
Because I know I'll be here for a while
I listen until they put down their instruments
And go home to their loving wives
Who know they've never been faithful
We resent the music the same
Because it goes hand in hand
With long nights awake and alone

I have never been in love, not even close
That has never bothered me
I have other priorities

I’m not half of a whole
I’m more than enough
Sometimes I’m too much

I build up and I break down
By my own hand, no one else’s
No, not even yours

See me bend and never break
See the love I give my self
See me spend my time improving
And see me do it on my own

We're just young
And we're trying to get by

I have seen the best minds and
The greatest potential
Depressed
Repressed
Compressed

I have seen their light devoured
Overwhelmed
And energy spent
Blind and always at breaking point
Minds rejecting
Bodies resisting

That's just how we feel
An entire generation isn't overreacting