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Sinking faster and faster into the mire
Dirt and grime covered my hands
No beauty to look upon, no dawn
No hope of ever leaving this place
The dark corners in this mind of mine
So many secrets I have hidden
Don't want them to see the light of day
I have ran away for far too long
It's time to stand on my own two feet
And stop with the lies that are bringing me down
I pay no attention to my gut feeling
Probably should, I wouldn't fall to pieces
If I put my trust in the direction of intuition
So much has to be unlearned for me to survive
I don't do life very well and haven't since I can remember
I need the help others or I'm going to sink
Deep down in the pit of despair that wants to **** me
I try to climb my way out from this dark hole
But I can't see what the hell I'm doing
There is no light shining on me
No burning bush I can see
Society wants me to behave in a certain way
But I'm so ******* tired of being someone I'm not
It's like leading a double life
I act one way to please you
And behind your back I'm someone else
The real person I should be
But I don't want to go there out in public
I'm more shy than anything else
But get to know me I can never shut the **** up
So why do I feel the need for your ******* approval
I beat myself up if I don't get liked
But what is it that makes me so insecure
Is it that I don't want to be an *******
Don't want to come off as a ******* *******
But in the end I pretty much bow down to you
And that's not how I want to live my life anymore
I try so hard to get away from the mire
I hold onto the truth things will be better off tomorrow
If I do what's right everything will fall into place
But I must not drift into obsessing  over your approval
It will all makes sense when the time comes
I'll be okay once the feelings are done
And I can seriously just drift away
When the time comes,
Will I be a grown up man,
Melding with the stream of life,
Or will I take cover
And hide like I always do?
Will I give back
What was so freely given to me,
Or will I grab a hold of the prize
And never let go of it?
I don't want to be that
Selfish man anymore,
Where all I care about is more,
And how I can get you to like me.
It isn't easy to give up on that,
I work at it everyday.
The more honest I am,
The better I feel.
I don't want to lay my head down
At night and think to myself I wasn't
Much of a human being today,
That I could of been kinder
And gentler to other people
Who are struggling with how
To do better too.
In the end,
Our hearts all be the same.
Death seems inevitable
Why was I born
Just to wither the **** away
All hope has vanished
It has gone away like the tide
Here alone I sit and ponder
The questions about my life
I have lied to get your attention
I have lied to get your approval
But in the end it doesn't really matter
Because eventually we all are going to ******* die
Should I stop with the *******
And live my life with some principles
Holding onto the belief everything will be alright
Or should I say **** it and let the darkness win
Caging my heart in the blackness of the night
Letting the devil inside this soul of mine
Selling it of course for a **** and some wine
Tortured, oppressed
So many questions to ask
Why all the suffering?
Where do we go from here?
Can we ever escape the pain
The soul-sickness in our guts?
Can we ever get to make sense of it all
Or are we just always going to feel lost?
The time is coming to throw in the towel
Let go and and let God
It ain't ******* right to hold on
And let the enemy ***** us over
The real me is a long way off, I've spent countless vain attempts to prove myself was macho or hero but honestly I was just saying to the world poor little me. I want your ******* sympathy for the way my life is, the only thing wrong with that is I caused all my ******* problems. There wasn't a day in the past that went by I was causing mayhem and destroying people's lives, making them believe I'm sobody when in reality I was just trying to hold on for dear life. I ended up almost homeless, not to mention the heartache I caused my mother, wondering if I was okay. She was dying of cancer and all she was concerned about if there was anything she could do to help me. Talk about unconditional love. Though I was an extremely selfish person, all I cared about was how I was going to get drunk. I have wasted so many years away that one more debauchel could finally be my ruin. I wish I could go back and fix my mistakes but I can't and that's the brutal truth. The idea that I can ever return to those times and change the things that happened has to be abandoned, the only hope I have is that I don't repeat the misery and havoc I caused, that in me there is a chance for survival and victory over this disease. I'm not saying I have been sober for years upon end, nor even a month if I want to be honest about it. But what I do hope is that I can live a life without hurting others, including myself. That I can finally grow the **** up and be the man God sees me as, not a coward trying to escape from life and causing misfortune along my way. That I can finally be the real me, without any additives.
What the **** did you say
Did you mean every word
I'm sorry I ******* offend you
It's just my ******* vulgarity coming out
I'm not one to ******* please
It's just not in me no more
I have chased after attention
Forgot who the **** I am
And what ******* life is all about
It's not about status quo
Trying ******* hard to do away with approval
I don't need you to ******* like me
I've been there and done that
Sought out everyone's mentality
To worship and praise me
I don't know about the worship part
But I diffently wanted your compliments
Couldn't survive without it
I wouldn't know where to go
Angry all the ******* time
It's no wonder why you parted ways
And couldn't ******* stand my attitude
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
That's Arthur C. Clarke.
My wife always believed we are not;
She was convinced we are not alone.
11 months ago,
My sweet wife said to me,
“Wouldn’t a pair of tiny feet
Pattering around the house
Sound so sugary sweet?”
10 months ago,
The doctor told me how
My count was pretty low and
Asked my wife about a bike accident
From when she was 10.
My wife cried a little, and then
At home, she cried
More than I’d ever seen her.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said,
But I told her we’re never alone,
As long as we have God.
She told me, in one of the worlds out there,
We are complete.
The ‘S’ in universes keeps her hopeful,
And content.
8 months ago,
I sat in the waiting room
With my sweet wife who had
Been puking and aching for weeks.
The doctor called it a miracle
And said our lonely days were gone.
My wife said she was glad
We weren’t going to be alone,
With just her and me.
7 months ago,
My wife ate right, and exercised,
And sang to her belly, and
Did all of the things
She was told to do;
But it was not enough, because
1 month ago,
My wife — my sweet, lovely wife —
She tripped on the staircase-
That last creaky step I swore I’d fix-
And fell, and bled and bled.
The doctor said he was sorry,
That my wife, she’d be okay, but
That there was nothing to be done
About the young one.
My wife cried much more
Than she had cried 4 months before.
She said she didn’t want to be alone.
“But we are not alone,”
I held her and I said,
“We have God in our midst,
we are not alone.”
A week ago,
I put out a sign
That declared ‘Garage Sale’
(Unabashedly, as if mocking us)
And lay out a motley of miniature clothes and objects-
Unused cribs and
Tiny, unworn shoes.

One day ago,
I said all the right things,
And loved and supported her,
And held her through her tears, but
Right now, as I cry
More than I’ve ever cried before,
And ask why I couldn’t be enough,
She is packing up her trunk,
Saying she can’t take it, saying
*“I just want to be alone.”
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