Leading, curling, twisting as if cursive
my path seemingly writes it's way back
again, to the moat right outside
Your now closed stronghold.
I am at siege, with no army.
My heart, demands an audience
perhaps to provoke something>
poetic ending, closure?

In my years labelled: "Not-A-Child"
though, barely 20 full cycles of the earth and sky.
Then, full of abandon, and unlearned consequential
Eager to prove my amplitude and unbreakable daring.
Incapable of any end I did not myself proscribe.
So foolish.  So innocently ignorant and short-sided, aye.
hand over hand my life was gambled,
never looking down, not a thought how increasingly far it was.
Only my next hand hold, the hardest route I could own
Eyes only on the summit, mind firmly lost to ego
Pulling my weight from an over-hang, as if nothing special
I stood on that precipice, laughing and moved proceed ever higher
when a simple bit of gravel, a few small pebbles proved
how foolish and childish my ways until that slip had been
one foot, my legs, my stomach next
elbows next, then the hit to my chin
all while my childish, desperate hands failed
finding no proof of my skill, only abrasions were earned
looking up to the point of my end
I thought of my mother first, then family, friends
I relived insignificant child memory moments
hearing my words in my own head:
What have I done?  Because of Me, they will hurt.
Because of this decision, I will cause them to mourn.
And I felt it just before my legs did...
That moment when, my youthful spirit was dead
and adult lessons, real life, or death consequences
as my ankle first, exploded result of 40 feet of free fall,
closely followed my wrist, my knee, part of my front tooth
and finally the sickening crunch of my right eye socket
that brought with it, black, deep nothingness
Jarring, scrapping my inner balance all directions
though no thought of this made any sense, as I must be dead.
but I found no light, no tunnel.  
No angelic form to welcome my spirit.
Opening my eyes I saw the new world as never before.
One eye at least, that is.  
But that lesson stuck.  And I realized how sweet
and incredibly fragile this thing called life is.
I became aware of the importance and responsibility being loved and loving really is.

That was how I grew up.  That was the moment I was no longer just "a kid".

Endless, outside of Time's eye
Have like mine, the twisted inner wards
flickered to near nothing against
Like such as those, yours
Another's pressing, persistence
of inner dialog, thrumming a longing note.
Such a note that haunts the mind
so it owns all want, every delight
each and every night it calls
coming.
each and every time until my ache
and the need of one's heart to heal
are never given the time.
Time it seems, never see how hard I've tried.

At what phase of endless night and day,
day into night shifting might one find,
The sought after point?  
That fabled, miraculously frozen moment?
Free of how too often, low
So SO many of us are feeling?

I say "us", though I know too well
to each, this is "I", just "me", and "alone".

Do you know the point at which I inquire?
Have you been there?
Is it much farther to go from here?

I am weary of the constant seeking.
Faith in such a moment thins
to near less a whispered sweet
Nothing, to my hardened souls ear now.

Come too far now,
I once thought.
Now,..
Is this...

That point?

Laughing; What I might be.
I reserve my right to not be forthcoming
I wish to keep this... It is mine.  Alone.
Besides, to find the humor
One must have use of and you don't
My eyes.  My life choices.  My shortcomings
So, leave the wild eyed man be!
Take not, nor give him reason for not.
He's enjoying himself, though...
you may diagnose him...
a little off.  Certainly crazy.
But stay put!  If you wander off?
He will return to melancholy.

A puzzled thing of thoughts.
Its own harsh judge
Watching always this mess of
Nothing great and nothing grand.
Two parts of one facing off.
Desperate for and too guarded.
Loving, outwardly too much
To entertain such notions,
Placed purposely by subtle sabotage.
Sculpting the view the two sides
Agree to see him to be.
Now I'm realizing what's been done.
Too long, too far gone, too late to change
Back to anything the one may want.
Ive brought this on and I ****** up
Adjust my acceptance to a lonely
Life to wait through until gone
Because I've been afraid and I got exactly what cowards ought to.  
An awful thought to wake up each day believing.

Promise a light, innocent thing
A gesture at times simply said
Enough to warrant disappointment
Though I know I never meant to
I sometimes misplace intent
I don't mean too.  I'm awful
To not do all I thought to
But I get that you don't trust
The Intent that I meant to
After all words are often meaningless
and intent alone won't do much more
Than lose the trust of those that matter most.

Held out; Missed myself
Unchosen; unknown reasons
Proof; never certain.
Know now; should've listened

Brilliant rays no longer
The night has devoured all color
No moon to remind one of Sol
Only muted ambient blues and purples
Stars spy us as a star from afar
Crickets song battles silence
Most fall off to fantastic inner visions
While seemingly I alone
Watch from a window the monochromatic
So much like the mind I find
When in the deeps of depression
The sun will come
I know, but no colors with it
Unless I force my eyes to see them.

If I were a flower...
Having died however long prior,
I would then smell just as nice
As the day I first opened up?  

Would I  be allergic to my own pollen?

How terrifyingly huge a bumble bee would seem.

If I were a flower...

I sing to the night private melodies
Cause they help me
Yes, they help me
Through my ways.

And there is a weight
Such a weight I hold
Pressing down, always down
My ways, my ways
Each day, every day

Silent melodies,
Take away my ways

I am, can be...
Not right here,
And not right now...
Much more than I've ever
owned up to.
I can be above even the lowest
Those are moments
And those moments are down there.
I will continue to climb.
Ahead to the very top of
The mountains of my life.
To the greatest of beyonds
Well above my lowest lows
So much higher than right here.
Live my life, doing right in my life
I will climb from the dark to the light.
I will, I am, I will climb.

As my venturing continues,
Yet once more unto to the depths.
My senses mean nothing,
All I feel is not physical, it is not.
Though I feel my heart crushing
The broken parts collapsing in.
I remind myself  this
Hurt has happened before
I did not die, I will not this time.
As I feel wetness roll
loose of my unfocused eyes.
Let them, it is my salve
My acceptance made real
They represent the new memories
I know I'll never get, and am only letting go.
I will be fine, as the world now lost and
All around is dark to and loneliness
Calls to have it's audience for

A beat behind the first rays
Of a sun that beacons me
Foretelling of a day
That day has come already?
Now rise I tell myself
At best half heartedly
My shell, aches, acts automatically
Giving the helmsman precious seconds
To toil, to toil, on to back breaking.
To toil, to toil, beneath the sun
To the fields, to the heat, for coin
And for food to eat.
I stand and stretch, following my feet
To toil, for the imaginary proof
Of currency, that I might live,
And I might eat, beneath a roof
Upon a world, that made me.
I get up and I face the day.

You will never know
How even as I write back
The simple truth of it
Via that message I am telling lies
You will only read how I'm doing
I write I'm fine, doing well
Through fresh tears still drying
I'm often lost in myself
Caught in endless decline
Spiralling to a place of mine
Longing for help without asking
Reaching out too difficult
You will never know
I use my phone to hide from you
To block the from view my hell
Ashamed of these moments
Residing in self loathing and woes
How terrible and egocentric
The real Me becomes alone
But I hope you know
How thankful I am for you
For asking about me, my feelings
I want you to know I love you
For trying and making me smile
Thank You.  

Thank You.

My eyes and their lack of interest
Sentimentality killing what little there had been left
What does it mean when pride, its unimaginable cost,
is top of one's list of bills to pay off.  Above all else, pride is what one took in them self.  Their work, or very presence amongst the precious.  It was no crutch, or blemish in need of a shadow.  i swear once I thought it was the wings that could carry us...
Above all else this life has to throw at us...  Unless, that obstacle in fact is not thrown or placed, but the instead the face, we are made to face every day? That one we listen to and try to teach to speak in better ways that don't hurt so great.  What if it is "Us".  And that image once so prideful, arrogant, and... well, invaluable.  Is a price well within our bill of sale, so little of them left, is there... You can take, or leave the pride one once felt in them self as the lesson that it was. Is,. but you can never leave it... you can never leave yourself.

Because it is easier
to tell myself I will never have again.
And to close that part of life
with imagined hope for what was.
Because hurting once was enough.
yet, knowing for too long following
a sense of never being enough
and viewing each day since as proof
of such.  
Truthfully, the more difficult is this
life lived closed and guarded
knowing what isn't coming back
knowing, and choosing to live
accepting a sorrowful loss
cause it is easier than moving on.

if i seem out of touch
am i lost in search of
are my reasons
alone as i too often seem
my own to be held dearly
against my chest my secret
leading me in search of
a place or being
to fit and be part of once was
is that then me lost
or in need of that which is
what was and was lost?

Fear in this
Possibilities endless
No solid proof
Leaving us to guess
On which do we then
Place our faith
Does it matter?
Until then
Guessing is best.

I can see
these
Things I want
Thoughts
Tricky as they be
Trail off.
Manifestation lost.
Hard use of
This abusive need
And thoughts cost
I see these things...
I will not give up.

The morning arrives as it does
While I sip and process the state.
Weather holds, my day is filling
With some good, other less things.
I process those and recognition comes

Good morning Shade.  Another visit today?
My hand reaching for the bottle of pills.
I am quite alright without the need or the want, to focus on the negatives.  But negatives and I securities, they are all you ever bring with you.  If I do not entertain your notions and paranoid delusions, you cause trouble or increase the imagined problems until I succumb.  And I stay inside, safe as you say while my life and my responsibilities become really are in tatters when I'm once again free of you and your depressing methods.  I will not play this circular game.  To you I say good day.  As I take the pill and affirm you away.

The whispered breath
From behind, against my sense
Of well worn, welcome
Back again, the lips left unsaid
Sad sad day or ringing
Clearly as a crowd of mourners
The day, so close I barely hear them
What is this non sense
I'm not, to his won't,
Echo in the eyes as I the ears
Might hear what my lips
Did not.

To take a direction all my own
Legs place distance bitter sweet
Mind is at war with life and love
With living and with being without
If I dared, I imagine turning around
I bet I could see you
The thought taxes the beat within
It never lets go, always longing
Even when it's not my wish for it to.

I've tried to be a good man
Done my best at parenting
Raising an incredible human being
Far far better then I have ever been.
It's the other areas that I lack luster
Romance less after three attempts
Horrible at the game of credit and imagined numbers leaving no room for changes.
I do my best to choose the avenue of success
To find I've missed that turn or am now head on wrong way traffic.
Day by day, job by job I pay my help and partner to find I've forgotten myself once more.  Sought self help without asking others assistance and developed a respect for binaural methods of entrancement.  Lean far too much on auto correct, and procrastinate on reflex most mundane tasks I'm faced with.  Breathing wrong and wasting ridiculous sums.  My aches and pains grow more pronounced each day.  Until I drop I'll have to bear through to keep a roof.  I've not one lifelong friend that I've kept close and I have no excuses for my lack of attempts.  I have forgotten boons that a good man would've returned equally if not more as soon as they could.  I do my best but all in all, I feel I've been mediocre at best.

I am not this vessel
I am fluid that will one day evaporate.
This vessel is half full.
And days seem hotter
Draining more and more
Until it rains again to fill it.
Then that fluid will do as I do.

Stop. This.
I am confined.
These ways we...
We're.
Two lines now...
And I need something.
This route
This time
I'd like to be by myself.
I feel like walking.
Go.  On now to what is yours
I know you
You'll make great time
And, me?
Mine, is...
A beautiful walk.
Really.
So, please? Stop.


And love drives off.

I began walking.

Tonight, as several others
I, we, the night and I write
Perhaps nothing profound
But entirely poured out
What is willing from a tilled soul
Turned over and we exposed
Emotions to use as few chose
In circular flight on wings of words
I offer another glimpse of the one
Frightened and tired I bury inside.
We, with the night tried.